Living with C-PTSD has to be one of the most widely misunderstood mental conditions in the modern world. Some may say that it is not really a real “condition,” especially if one hasn’t been to war, been held at gunpoint, or been involved in a major car accident, etc. It can be an incredibly invalidating condition to have; often we aren’t believed, and people go on to say, “Oh, well, others have had it bad too, even worse.” Yet, our need and want to understand relationships and how they work is often misunderstood as some form of victimhood, or narcissism.

The body often speaks way louder than the mind. Our cognitive ability to override the amygdala often exhausts us–constantly, to no avail. Yet this invisible fight we have every second of every day is unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. In fact, sometimes it’s the opposite, as we are criticized and put down.

Others accuse us of living in the past, of not being able to let go. They say we are stuck, and never able to recognize the positive things in life. My brain rarely scans for positives because it is constantly on the lookout for threats and exit points (now also for my children). If you are a long-standing survivor of abuse, the layers can be thick over many years. Happiness may feel like such a fleeting phenomenon that you don’t even know that it exists. The mind will often sabotage, with no emergency stop button to save you.

Days spent recovering from an argument or misunderstanding often lead to deep shame and the need to overexplain every reason behind your reactions. Thus, we can seem dramatic or out of line to many, unless we simply attract a partner or a friend with traits of narcissism who have their needs met perfectly from our trauma bonding. We want them to understand us, to love us, to want to know us and let us know them–yet what we are actually doing is re-traumatizing ourselves.

We exhaust ourselves, and potentially the other friend or partner, when all we wanted was to feel safe and free, and connected. But along comes the Inner Critic, who is the very voice(s) that we want to be free from. We hear the voice and do what we are told because we have been conditioned to believe it. In fact, we constructed our entire world view upon our core wounds, leaving us with a fragmented sense of self, if any sense of self at all!

Therefore, the sad reality for many (for their whole life or a large portion of it) is to exist like the elephant who is chained and allowed only to walk a certain radius. When the chain was finally broken and she was set free, she remained in the same tiny place, walking within the same measurements of trained distance because that is all she knew after years of conditioning.

The loops of the world forever in front of us. We see things happening, life passing us by, and we want to join in but feel so overwhelmed, and full of self-doubt, that we just can’t get there. We are scared of having emotions, because that is not allowed, and we find “safety” with people who break our hearts and betray us. So, when we finally do open up to feel the emotions and ask questions about our relationships, the hurt is deep and terrifying. The trauma of life cuts so deep; it reinforces all those things we were told as children by the adults who were supposed to care for us.

Then, as we try to put ourselves back together again, old wounds surface. We do not have safe support networks, and we struggle to make sense of reality. The vicious cycle of this life is like paper cut after paper cut that never heals. It takes a long time to trust ourselves because we were never able to trust anyone! If people with C-PTSD could wear our emotional and spiritual scars on our bodies, the reputation of survivors would be much different.

I don’t want to be called strong. I don’t want to be fiercely independent. And I certainly don’t want to be the kind of person others look at and whisper, “Phew… I’m glad my life is not like that.” Like many with high trauma from childhood and adolescence, I am a highly sensitive person and have withdrawn from the world because my heart cannot take pain anymore. I have tried and tried to connect and be emotionally vulnerable with little to no guidance or support through life; I sit here now and wonder the meaning and context of so many things in this world. I have learned so much; my curiosity has always sparked, so I have literally tried as many things as possible to help myself heal. I now know there’s no “fix” to this.

What I suggest, and what I do for myself, is going to bed each night knowing that when I wake up, I’ll take the time I need to breathe. I will listen to the morning, stretch a little bit, and engage in some gentle exercise without any pressure. I will set an intention for each new day before I get out of bed. Now, don’t be too hard on yourself if you wake with anxiety, triggered by loud sounds outside, dogs barking, neighbors fighting, or bright lights in your own house. Just remember that each day is a new chance, and that the past is past. Wake up and take a new breath before anything else can come in and take over.

The important part here, though, is that you don’t give up. Radically accept what you cannot control and focus on what you can. Now this is where it gets tricky, and only through repetition and hard work is it possible. You can control how you react–somewhat. Some are automatic responses, and over time you will sense these in your body before processing them in your mind, where the pain resonates. It is essential to find a soothing technique that works for you; test them all if you must.

A simple one for me is putting my tongue on the roof of my mouth and leaving it there so I do not speak words I do not mean. Knee-jerk reactions, Black & White thinking, being labelled as erratic or volatile are a big reason I do this. I need to know that what I want to say is, in fact, what I want to say, in the right tone with the appropriate emotion or velocity of that emotion. I struggle with this all the time, but I persevere. We got through the abuse, so we have to know and trust that we can get into and through the recovery.

If you are not who you want to be, then stop talking, stop overexplaining why you are the way you are. You are you, and that is cool. You are here; you are reading this. You may find you hyper-focus on one problem and ruminate and then get caught in a loop. Find something to stop yourself, to interrupt you and distract you. Maybe put your tongue on the roof of your mouth and observe and listen before you speak. If you are already heightened, then find that breath work that will calm you in 4 seconds; breathe into that belly, not just your chest.

Put a face cloth in the freezer. When you are angry, grab it and put it over your face; it activates your dive reflex, and you take a big, deep breath. Eat something sour; your taste buds will distract you instantly. Sometimes, a brief distraction is all you need for your brain to refocus and your body to adjust. Arguing with someone who doesn’t understand trauma is like explaining something in another language. Stop wasting your time, and use it to regulate your nervous system instead.

Let your loved one know you value them, and communicate that when you are in freeze, flight, fight, or fawn, your response or reaction isn’t a true or honest reflection of who you are. Just like people who have autism spectrum and co-existing attention disorders have the “in your own time,” it’s important to remember that your nervous system requires some extra understanding and time to ensure that it’s doing what it needs to do.

So, ‘In your own time,” don’t feel pressured to answer straight away, or do something immediately if you need more information or time to regulate yourself. If your body and mind are disconnected or you have dissociated or have a knee-jerk reaction, don’t be too hard on yourself. Practice pauses- that little go-to tip that may work for you and help your body to de-escalate and not tune into the next level of a cortisol dump and hypervigilance that comes if you blindly go into your fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

Ideally, most of the time we want to be in a calm state where we feel safe to be ourselves, or safe after such a long time of doubt and pain. You will fail over and over, but you will also succeed, and that may help us all build a habit of helping our bodies and minds find a little inner peace. Or not view the world so darkly or so dangerously. For our minds, we are fine-tuned for danger and pain, disruption and chaos, big emotions all the time or no emotions at all; there have rarely ever been times where there are smooth and calm waters. You don’t need to live in a constant storm state. Venture into the calm waters of life, which is not tuning into everything around you and every person’s needs you think you are obligated to meet all the time. Know that you have worth and are worthy, like all others, to experience safety in love and safety in friendships and life.

People will come and go; some will hurt you, some will discard you, yet some will treasure you, love you and support you. What’s important is recognizing what chaos is and what is peace.

We are used to chaos, so if you hit smooth waters and think danger or boring, then put that tongue on the roof of your mouth, get the freezing cold face cloth, reach for the sour lolly or lemon. Jump up and down on the spot, push on the door frame as hard as you can, scream into a pillow, go for a brisk fast walk, sit and breathe, listen to music, write something down, think of the most random thing you saw that day. The list is endless.

What’s not so good…

Sitting on your phone and doom scrolling, letting your inner critic out to put all that shame back on you, speaking words you will regret later, escalating in a negative emotional state where hypervigilance and cortisol come at you in large doses. It is hard, and it is lifelong, as I said; I fail every day, but I also succeed every day. Life is hard; it’s exhausting, and C-PTSD is gravely misunderstood.

You survived; not many may have believed you, or the sheer amount of it, or if they do, they will never quite understand the indelible marks and changes to your core and how you simply cannot just leave it in the past. It shaped you; you are who you are because of what others did to you. Remember that you did not do this to yourself; this mental condition has come from what others have done to you when you had little to no autonomy or ability to survive on your own without them.

Remember the metaphorical chain I spoke of, and the elephant has her freedom but still walks the loops she was forced to walk; remind yourself the radius and limits are non-existent now; they are only the ones you put on yourself. Tell that inner critic anything you want, even swear at it; tell it to shut up and be gone!. You are you, and that’s cool and wondrous all at once too.

You have the freedom of choice and control of who and what you give your attention to. You will have many moments of self-doubt but don’t underestimate your ability to transform your emotions into good ones because well haven’t you had enough of those negative ones, I know I certainly have, my brain just likes to drag me back to them as much as possible because well our brains are lazy and creatures of habit too, its easy for the brain to keep functioning the way it has for so long. Is it conducive to living a peaceful and calm life? Absolutely not!

Ideally, our minds and bodies need a rest, but we need to allow it, and it feels like handing over control. No, you’re handing over a key to another part of life. The part that actually might be some fun. The part that you have been on the outside looking in on life, longing to belong to it as well. You are worthy of happiness too, and every emotion on the grand spectrum of them all; just be accountable for your actions and acknowledge others how you want to be acknowledged. Sabotaging and exhausting relationships are never in a flow state.

Know that there is ‘time’ to take a breath and think about the situation a little more before allowing your “Auto Default Mode Network” to take over for you while you disappear into the maze of your mind. Only to return to more stress due to the disproportionate emotions in yourself and in others that were probably unnecessary had we only taken an extra 3 seconds, 3 minutes, 30 minutes who knows? We can only try our best.

Anchor yourself to Hope for a life full of peace and calm with many new wonderful emotions to explore and express. There will be storms along the way, but those storms will pass, and you have the skills and the tenacity to overcome just like you already have. You needn’t worry about what has been look at yourself and know that you are you, and that is cool. You are Here and you can go ANYWHERE

Gemma Jones

Photo Credit: Unsplash

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• About the Author
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Gemma Jones

Born in 1980 in Australia

Instragram:   Gemma Sky Jones and also Gemma Sky Art

Survivor of extensive childhood abuse, and now live with C-PTSD, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Pain Disorders

I am a Community Practitioner, Psycho-Social Recovery Coach

Trauma Informed Doula

Trauma Informed Yoga Teacher

NDIS sub contractor for Trauma Informed Care and Development and Advocacy

If there’s one thing to remember its:

Kindness can change a life

Kindness can save a life

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