With the advent of the #MeToo movement, the public has been forced to examine the horrific tragedy of women suffering at the hands of sexual predators. We have learned through marches and very public testimony of the damage women receive when their boundaries and dignity as human beings is violated.
However, there is another group of people who, because of societal restraints, suffer the same fate, only in silence. That group consists of men.
In a study published by Muenzenmaier, et.al.1, men were interviewed to see what types of child abuse they had experienced and found:
- 9% experienced physical abuse
- 9% experienced sexual abuse
- 4% witnessed sexual abuse
- 35% witnessed physical abuse
Men are not stoic stones that do not waver and cannot be harmed. If someone like this family member states he gets suicidal when going to work due to his trauma history, he should receive the same consideration and care as a woman would.
As one can see, men are not invulnerable.
In this series of articles, we shall examine together male victims of sexual violence, how complex post-traumatic stress disorder affects men, and how society conspires against men getting help and healing. The information about to be presented is statistic heavy, but it helps to see the scope of the problem and how desperately we need to remedy it.
What is Child Abuse?
Many people, especially men, have a tough time understanding what child abuse is and how it has affected their lives. Child abuse takes many forms including:
- Watching the child undress or bathe
- Talking to a child in a sexual manner
- Making a child watch pornographic movies or look at porn magazines
- Photographing a child inappropriately
- An older person than the child making the child feel powerless
- Using extreme punishment
- Spankings or hitting that bruises or breaks bones
- Calling the child names
- Constantly yelling or belittling the child
- Criticizing or making fun of the child
- Touching the child sexually or forcing the child to touch themselves or someone else
- Threatening to kill someone or something the child loves
Although the above list is long, it only begins to cover incidents of child abuse as there are as many ways to harm a child as the human imagination can conjure.
It is vital to remember that perpetrators are not only male. Yes, 96% of people who harm children are male, but the remaining 4% are female. This estimate may be incorrect because our culture refuses to believe in female abusers and most rapes and other abuses done by women are never reported. This is extremely true if the victim was male.
The Prevalence of the Problem
Just because society doesn’t acknowledge or talk about male sexual trauma certainly doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. In fact, the statistics below should bring a tear to your eye.
- 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before they turn eighteen.
- 34% of people who are sexually assaulted as a child were done so by a family member
- 8% of men were age 10 or younger at the time of their first victimization
- The average age for boys to become victims of prostitution is ages 11-12
- Approximately 1 in 45 men have been forced to penetrate an intimate partner
After reading those statistics, I would imagine you are wondering why you haven’t heard any of this before, and the classic question, how can a man be forced to penetrate someone?
Let’s examine each of these thoughts in the next few paragraphs.
The Hurt Little Boy Who Was Never Heard
It saddens me that I can go to a therapist, sit down, retell my story of sexual assault and have her empathize while a man might be met with incredulous belief. I’ve witnessed a man that I am related to suffering because all a therapist wishes to impress upon him is how he must work if he wants to feel better.
What rubbish.
Instead, what they meet is a brick wall of people who don’t care to see the hurt little boy sitting before them in their office. They became in their childhood, and still are, unheard.
Adult Men Who are Forced to Penetrate
Male rape is something no one wants to talk about, but it is very real. When men are forced to penetrate women repeatedly by a female or male perpetrator, it leaves them feeling bad about themselves and suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
In a study conducted by Dr. Siobhan Weare2 in the United Kingdom found that men are forced to penetrate intimate partners in a myriad of ways and below are only a few of them:
- The partner uses force by holding the man down, pinning him down, or using a weapon to threaten him.
- Forcing the man to penetrate when they are asleep or unconscious from using alcohol
- By showing displeasure or criticizing the man’s sexuality or attractiveness
- Using physical force to beat or otherwise harm the man until he complies
- Threatening to end the relationship and spread rumors
- Constantly verbally pressuring the man to penetrate
Don’t fool yourself. Although male rape is not illegal or even recognized in most places around the world, it is a crime. Men can and are raped.
Why Haven’t We Heard About Male Survivors
The biggest thing perpetrators of sexual violence have going for them, is silence. Male children and adult victims are made to feel ashamed and told vicious lies to hold them back from telling anyone about their experiences.
In our society today, we have forced men to fill a role no one should be too, the role of a he-man who cannot be hurt and should never show emotion. We’ve painted men into a corner and left them in despair and fear of seeking help.
Our movies, television programs, sporting events, and just about any other form of entertainment you can think of to instruct our men from childhood that they mustn’t feel or show someone other than your spouse any form of physical affection beyond a casual handshake.
The Physical Toll Childhood Trauma Takes in Men
The trauma of male children takes an enormous emotional and physical toll on our men. One can multiply this by a factor of ten if you add in the repetition of the trauma these men faced as little boys.
Just look at the following findings of a study focusing on men who were traumatized as children.
- 8 times as likely to smoke
- 9 times as likely to be obese
- 4 times as likely to experience ongoing anxiety
- 5 times as likely to have panic reactions
- 6 times as likely to be depressed
- 6 times as likely to be promiscuous
- 6 times as likely to engage in early-life sexual intercourse
- 2 times as likely to become alcoholic
There is an undeniable link between men experiencing childhood trauma and many chronic symptoms and disorders that make them vulnerable to mental health issues and early death.
Our Men are Suffering
In 2017 in the United States alone, 47,173 people died by suicide with 77.97% of them being men above the age of eighteen. I got my calculator out. Those stats mean that 36,781 men in the United States of America died by suicide in just one year.
What is even sadder is it is predicted that the stats to be higher for 2018.
Our culture is ignorant of male childhood trauma, and we hide well from even the mention of them experiencing sexual abuse. However, it is all too horribly real. Facts are facts, and they say that must be invulnerable and not feel any emotional pain. Men are to be macho, in control, and never weep.
However, if we ignore the hidden emotions of men we are responsible as a nation for the untimely and unnecessary deaths of thousands.
Men are every bit as vulnerable to the strong emotional scars they carry into adulthood as women but not being able to express their pain leaves them feeling alone and hopeless.
The Treatment for Male Survivors of Childhood Trauma
Male childhood trauma is, much to the shame of us all, only now receiving the recognition it deserves. Trauma-informed therapists are receiving the training they need to respond appropriately to this previously unheard tragedy in our society.
For this reason, men who have experienced childhood trauma have are more likely to find a therapist who can help them to conquer over their pasts.
To find a therapist who has experience treating male childhood trauma, one should consult online find-a-therapist pages available online. You will find below links to these important resources.
The bottom line, and what I hope anyone reading this piece will discover, is that I and many others recognize your pain and will support you on your journey.
“In every real man, a child is hidden that wants to play.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
References
- Muenzenmaier, K., Spei, E., & Gross, D. R. (2010). Complex posttraumatic stress disorder in men with serious mental illness: a reconceptualization. American journal of psychotherapy, 64(3), 257-268.
- Weare, S. F. (2017). Forced-to-penetrate cases: Lived experiences of men-Baseline Research Findings.
- Anda, R. F., Felitti, V. J., Bremner, J. D., Walker, J. D., Whitfield, C. H., Perry, B. D., … & Giles, W. H. (2006). The enduring effects of abuse and related adverse experiences in childhood. European archives of psychiatry and clinical neuroscience, 256(3), 174-186.
My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.
Thank you from one of the 1 in 6 and 34% and 8% percenters . The social stigma feels real, especially in the US (Australia seems to be doing good work in this area). With suicide ideation as a common C-PTSD symptom, you raise an important point about the likely link between trauma and suicide.
You are welcome and thank you for coming to our website. Shirley
Thanks for that article. I remember you told me you were writing it as an answer to a comment I made some time ago. I find it really good that some women like you defend men, especially as I am someone who until a short time ago couldn’t trust a woman or girl AT ALL. Mainly because the one who always put me down in my childhood, told me I was incapable, weak and a shame was my own mother. Also a lot of the “bullying” I experienced was from girls who told me I was weird and ugly, that I was mentally retarded and was useless. These are the words they used. This is how I feel a lot of the time.
Some girl also profited that I had told her of my struggles, to try to have sex with me. Since she knew I was lacking affection and confidence, she basically waited for me to get drunk to take me into her bed by the pretext that “she couldn’t sleep alone”. Fortunately she wasn’t a rapist so it didn’t went further than a few caresses but I can definitely imagine how a woman can rape a man. I’m sorry for all those who didn’t have the chance to only suffer from verbal abuse. Since last year I know some good girls who showed me that I can trust them, although I still have difficulty to realise it. And I can recall I heard sometimes that “I’m just weak” because “a man has more muscles so nothing can happen to him”, some girls I knew even went as far as telling me than I was a potential rapist and murderer anyway like all men because men can only be oppressors to women so basically my feelings don’t matter at all, and of course that “men can’t get raped” and that if for example you are beaten to death “it’s not as bad as rape”.
Also regarding asking for help most men are basically the same as most women, they tell you to “just man-up” and stop being a coward. But in that regard I definitely felt more harm from women. Words can be bullets sometimes… But in the end whether it’s men or women, there are a lot of bad persons everywhere, the sole way to get out of mistrust is to have the chance to meet real, honest, good persons.
Thank you Shirley for this great article. You are right not many people are aware of the prevalence, severity and long-term consequences of MSA. When I 1st learned about male sexual abuse, I was a police officer in the Behavioural Sciences Unit of the RCMP. As such I was considered and being trained to be one of the experts in the field and I literally knew nothing about it at first.
To learn more, I conducted my doctoral research in regard to why so few boys and men come forward and seek help. I am sure you are well aware of the reasons, yet most in the general public are not. I wrote: Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse to a) support male survivors and b) help the general public understand this hidden pandemic…love it if you checked it out and considered collaborating on getting the worlds attention! Thank you for what you do…Dr. Kelli Palfy
Advocacy is my middle name and I’d love to collaborate with you. The way men are treated is horrendous and little boys are just as subject to sexual exploitation as little girls. Thank you for your comment, Shirley
Dr. Eisenberg Thank you – I published: Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse – in 2020. It is based on my doctoral research in regard to WHY boys and men so seldom come forward. My goal is to create awareness, understanding and compassion for male victims of sexual abuse, plus to support male victims. I’d love it if you would support (review) my book and recommend it in your circles (if you deem it appropriate).
Sorry Shirley I just saw this…yes lets connect [email protected] is my email address….I’d love to hear from you…
The impact on men is often far greater than on the women since I have found them to be much more resistant to revealing their history when the trauma involves sexual abuse. Women also seem to be much more open to addressing their past and moving forward to regain their independence and self-esteem. Fortunately, both men and women appear to respond extremely well to treatment and are able to stop/reduce using drugs, reengage with family, and progress in improving self-esteem very quickly — usually within 3-6 months of treatment. The biggest problem I perceive is that of sharing the cognitive intervention that works so well and so fast.
Thank you Dr. Eisenberg – yes breaking through the cognitive barrier is tough for sure – I published: Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse – in 2020. It is based on my doctoral research in regard to WHY boys and men so seldom come forward. My goal is to create awareness, understanding and compassion for male victims of sexual abuse, plus to support male victims. I’d love it if you would support (review) my book and recommend it in your circles (if you deem it appropriate).
Men can be and are victims in every way women are. Boys are victims of childhood abuse. Men are raped by men OR women, and can also be victims of intimate partner violence – be it sexual, physical, or emotional violence. Thanks to society’s overarching beliefs about masculinity, men often do not disclose – and men who do disclose can be retraumatized by society’s disbelief that men and boys can be victims, or belief that men can only be perpetrators, or belief in the myth that boys who are sexually abused will inevitably become abusers themselves.
Male survivors who do speak out may also be told that rape and/or IPV is solely a women’s problem and that they have no place at the table as victims.
Thanks for writing this article. Everyone who speaks up helps.
Just shy of my 62nd birthday and still struggling with cptsd and related comorbidities.
I went through my childhood and youth seeing my sister, also a victim, listened to, getting support, recieving therapy while I recieved none of those. I had no voice, no worth. I attempted suicide a number of times. I struggled with substance abuse. I can not trust anyone.
The few times that I brought up (generaly, not my own) male victimhood, I was attacked by angry women. Told that all violence is perpetrated by men. I had statistics thrown at me, told that all male victims become perpetrators, shamed for trying to say that men and boys can be vulnerable to abuse, etc etc.
Even women in a peace-based martial arts club pushed me out for commenting on a billboard that said “stop all male violence toward women” because noon wanted to hear that abuse can be perpetrated by anyone of any gender or orientation, and that violence takes many forms. I just don’t try anymore, to prevent further victimization.
Even while working in social services (a female dominated industry) I heard these ideas spoken by female colleagues.
Time and time again convicted male offenders were put on my caseload, simply because I am a man. I was Triggered over and over, unable to speak of it. Still don’t have a voice because if I disclose, I will be marked as a predator.
Many times as an adult I tried to get support. For a long time there was just one male survivors group, with a waiting list so long that there was no point. And expensive. And because it was geared to offenders I did not feel safe.
Despite longtime treatment with a stack of 3 antidepressants my anxiety and depression got to the point that I could not work and I needed a psychiatric referral from my doctor. (I needed it 50+ years ago!)
So I am glad that you, a woman, has written this article. I hope that more women are awakened to the actual reality. I am an egalitarian by nature, but despite the struggle for equality, I still see double standards and myths carried forward by well meaning feminists. Pointing these out is very dangerous.
So it must be a woman reporting this to women, as no male will be heard. Thank you for your work
I have a brother who has faced many of the things you mentioned in your comment. That’s why I know about the suffering so many men go through but are not heard. It is a shame on our society that we ignore or demonize men expressing themselves and getting help. I hope your life is good in the future. Caring. Shirley
Dr. Robert Marshall is an educator, pastor and male survivor leading a group called Echoes in the Chicago area. I know he is planning on releasing a book and documentary soon and is planning to do a US tour…in case anyone is in the area and wanting to be part of his men’s groups…
Thanks Kelli
I have marked his name down and will look for the book.
In fact, I will request it for my staff library in the hopes that the female counselors that I work with read it.
RT my book is specifically designed to educate psychologists and support male survivors. Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse…available on Amazon or anywhere else books are sold!
Shirley – I’m guessing this article is focused on sexual abuse as the source of cPTSD symptoms, but there I would guess that my fellow “dicks” would disagree.
I’m in my early fifties and had done a pretty good job of screwing up the next generation before even knowing the concept of cPTSD.
Have you ever been to a little league game? If not you should go some time. Watch the dads. Plenty of negative commentary on their son’s performance.
For me, it was being the bottom of the pecking order at a small parochial school. If described it to my therapists as “having 17 brothers and sisters”. Nothing builds self esteem like your parents blaming you for doing something that resulted in you getting abused by your peers on the playground.
Please remember surveys are biased whether we like it or not. They are not. The most harmed do not answer and don’t even show up in the numbers. For those who do answer, more than likely their answer is biased towards, “it was not so bad, I deserved a good kick in the ass, put me back online, taught me to suck it up buttercup”.
I’m trying very hard to not adopt an opinion of “yup, another woman who thinks they know everything about the world of “dicks”.
I’m not an expert on how men feel and that was not the purpose of the piece. The purpose was to try and raise awareness that men can be victims of domestic abuse just as well as men and how badly society treats men. Thank you for your comment. It was much appreciated. Shirley
You can’t accept men are sexually abused because of your insecurity. You had to reference “dicks” in your comment because you feel emasculated by the very concept of sexual abuse of men. Go to therapy. Stay away from SA survivors and work on yourself.
Grandma: “Women get raped by men.”
Officer: “You misunderstood what happened.”
Mom: “I never did that!”