How to Leave a Toxic Abusive Relationship

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No one ever sets out to be in an unhealthy relationship. We all strive for a version of happily ever after, where our needs and partners are met in a shared life we build together. But for a variety of reasons, that only sometimes happens. Instead, what we thought was promising turned out to be toxic.

That word—toxic—gets thrown around a lot, especially in the context of romantic partnerships. But what is a toxic relationship?

“A toxic relationship is one that adversely impacts a person’s health and well-being,” says Dr. Jamie, a Founder and Executive Director of TAR Network.

” We spend so much of our time and energy on a romantic partner, these relationships are especially influential on our well-being. When they are going well, we are usually doing well. But our health and happiness will likely be negatively affected when they are not going well.”

From the outside, it may seem like a toxic relationship is easy to spot. But things get more complicated from the inside since toxicity can often be wrapped up in flashes of romance. If that’s the case—and you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship—we know it’s tough. But it may be time to make some healthy adjustments.

Below, Dr. Jamie and Mila, a TAR Network writer and a survivor of TAR delve into the red flags you need to look out for and how to leave a toxic relationship when those troublesome signs appear. Read on to get their insights, so that you can do what’s right for you.

Love Bombing.

Love bombing is a behavior often seen in people who have narcissistic or borderline personality disorders. At first, it may be exciting that a new partner is so eager to be with you, but then things may start to feel off.

They may also engage in “all-or-nothing thinking that can turn on a dime,” where the mood is great “and all of a sudden a fight comes out of nowhere”, and you’re in this horrible place.

Constant Stress.

All relationships have conflict at some point or another, but if you’re feeling constant stress, it’s probably not a healthy dynamic. You might feel like it’s easier not to tell others about certain behaviors or details of the relationship because they wouldn’t understand, creating more tension for you.

“If you’re covering things up and justifying behavior that you know on some level is wrong,” says Dr. Jamie, that’s a red flag. He adds that a feeling of walking on eggshells or having constant drama are signs things aren’t heading in a healthy direction.

Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that happens over an extended period where one person causes the other to question their thoughts, memories, and even how they perceive reality. It can take place in any relationship, from family to romantic.

Gaslighting is usually a red flag for spotting people who are manipulators.

Lying.

Lying, especially at the beginning of a relationship, can be an indicator of bigger problems in the relationship. Lying might be linked to infidelity or hiding compulsive addiction behavior.

On the other hand, if you feel like you can’t be honest with your partner about certain things because of how they might react, that’s a red flag, too.

How do you safely exit a Toxic Abusive Relationship?

Ending things with a partner (friend or a co-worker) is easier said than done, even if it becomes crystal-clear to you that that’s the best course of action. To start, gather loved ones in your corner and fill them in on the situation; you can lean on them both during the breakup and afterward, as you work to heal from the trauma of enduring a toxic relationship.

If safety is of any concern, make a plan to move in with a family member or friend in another neighborhood or city, alert co-workers and friends not to make your whereabouts known, limit posts on social media, and consider changing your phone number.

Alternatively, if you think a breakup conversation is safe and feasible, it’s typically best to have one. When addressing the situation, set a time to discuss your desire to end the relationship, so you’re not ambushing the person, and practice assertive communication. There’s also no need to go into any more detail than you’d like to share.

Remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. And in any case, your well-being isn’t up for debate.

Join TAR Live Meetings!

Every Monday at 7 PM EST Dr. Jamie and Mila will be hosting meetings on ITR platform and guiding survivors through the hell of TAR. Dr. Jamie will introduce TAR Dojo, a set of techniques that will help anyone who has suffered or is currently in TAR.

Attendees can expect to learn tools that will help them heal and recover from traumatizing experiences, practice how to spot red flags, and avoid toxicity in their lives. Ultimately, the meetings will help all become more self-aware and will help them shield themselves from all toxic.

Please join the TAR Live Meetings Group and get in touch with Mila in case you have any questions, email her at [email protected].

Peace and Serenity.

 

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