Stepping into the Shoes of Who You Are is a nice metaphor for coming to wear the shoes of who you are—perhaps for coming back to wearing… once again.
Here I am, standing in the depression of a gut-ugly emotion-tinged experience and habitually wearing a cleverly designed mask
The actuality of your life’s wonderous expression of self, my god, without permission to be, seems such a perpetual, lonely, toxic nightmare of living. At least for many, and most distinctly, it has been for me. Here I am, standing in the depression of a gut-ugly emotion-tinged experience and habitually wearing a cleverly designed mask. A mask emanating from dark recesses deep within me; my world in so many helplessly painful ways has become but a toxic mirage of non-reality. My daily routine is waking to a dull ache of a fearful exposure, rising from bed, showering, shining, having breakfast, and taking from the closet by the front door my attempted invisible emotional state. Leaving the house, I am numb, other than the radiating hypervigilance turned on, like a radar from hell, causing mysterious symptoms emanating from dark recesses deep from my soul’s core. Where is my happiness in and about life?
A terrorized wounded child hiding so deeply in the dark chamber of self-hate and living a paralyzed life of fear of being different
I could pretend the struggle to wear a false more appropriate face to present to the world these days, but I’m tired. I’m worn out from doing that for a lifetime. That doesn’t mean that the missing permission to be true and real has suddenly, completely, materialized in a SHAZAM moment of nirvana realized. It tells me that my being fed up with pretending a false self in this life has started a process of striving toward finding my own inner permission to be real, self-love. Real to myself and to who the hell I actually am.
Yeah, I see it too. I’m angry, and I think towards myself. Angry for being a terrorized wounded child hiding so deeply in the dark chamber of self-hate and living a paralyzed life of fear of being different. Whatever that differentness is about me, I took off those shoes of who I truly was early in childhood and put on a pair of FU-shoes that left me perpetually, unconsciously, angry at the world. But I think mostly angry at myself. Self-hate. Isolation, hiding within, living a pointless painful life, but I ask this: AM I REALLY ALONE!? We are not born unto this earth to be manhandled or childhandled into a being that fits the image needs of someone else. I am me, and I am most distinctly not what, especially who, you need me to conform to being. I am, for once, taking back my freedom and finding myself again.
PERMISSION! That is a BIG word. That is an extraordinarily powerful word, but its power is not always so clear as it gets lost and diffused into the everyday routine that eventually comes to be seen and felt as just normal. My God, I sound WOKE here, but I am just being truthful and deeply honest, coming to see the intelligence in what I am saying. Permission to be real, being given the grace and welcoming of being loved unconditionally is a divine blessing too few of us have come to know. But that is permission granted and gifted to you. Loves Permission to be and to behave authentically is a God-given right! Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness can’t be found without love’s permission to be! Think about that. If the life rules around us are too strict, if the punishment for displeasing others becomes too dominating and controlling, it tears at the core of love. The love for ourselves most especially. The love for our parents and the world around us is diminished to the same extent as our gifted permission to be real and true is dominated out of us by rigid, truly mean-spirited others in our lives. Why so mean, and why so mean, angry, and self-righteously judgmental of ensuring others aren’t different? Why so dominating and controlling? What happened to those individuals who are filled with conditions, designing boxes you need to fit into for their approval? Permission is withheld from you to even breathe unless you come to behave and be who you are ‘supposed to be’ in their eyes.
Since love is strictly conditional, there is no permission to be you; thus, you are not free. Who you are must be checked at the door upon engaging the world of others. As you can see in this paper, you are not alone with your inner turbulence and suffering. I feel you. Listen to me, isn’t it obvious I have at least a glimpse of understanding?
TRUST. As we lose perspective and control of the identity-authentic shoes we wear, we come to distrust others in this world around us. To authentically trust is a gift; To trust in the decency of others and the outer world in general, rather than living in a dystopia of hypervigilant daily misperceiving others as a threat to your very survival. Well, on the one hand, there are others out there, far too many, that indeed are a threat to yourself and your world. But I am referring to trust as a basic core phenomenon of being able to trust in a fashion that allows us to engage in and risk intimacy with another or many others. Trust allows us to behave with people in an authentic manner vs. the presentation of a false self or image of ourselves that is… putting our best, false foot forward. Learning to let go of fear under personally chosen circumstances allows you relative safety and permission to be the real authentic you. In return, others are far more likely to drop their own mask of hiding and self-protection and reach back to you with their reciprocal permission for you to be real with them. Authenticity heals your soul! Before you know it you have a true friend. Perhaps, over time, a true and intimate friend, a confidant. Intimacy, by the way, does not necessarily imply a sexual relationship. Its true meaning is essentially trusting another and being free to be real. And, if you’re lucky, find safety in exposing yourself to who you are and reciprocally them with you.
If that is missing in our lives, we suffer the agony of perpetual disconnectedness
INTIMACY. The engagement of self-exposure between individuals. Laying yourself bare and exposed in a mutually shared trust between you and another. Intimacy is the healing, crossing a ford or barrier between two persons. A state of connection via trust, personal choice, and effort of bridging an isolation between us. Becoming trustful of each other through a dedicated effort of voluntarily sharing, exposing, cooperating, understanding, growing, developing, and finally bonding with another separate person. Finding and developing a relationship with another via intimacy closes the distance of isolation and alienation. It only takes one living human being to make a connection with to heal the misery we find in a state of ‘disconnection-depression.’ We all need a friend that we can reach out to when we are lonely. If that is missing in our lives, we suffer the agony of perpetual disconnectedness. Learning to develop the ability to be intimate is a stepping stone to becoming and finding a friend or confidant. Therapy can be a great starting point in learning to be intimate with someone. Sharing your inner world in a safe, understanding environment leads to the development or formation of a habit. A new habit of risking exposure in your struggle to find connectedness.
COMMUNION. This word struck me as a consequence or an afterthought of the act of coming together in an intimate relationship or friendship. Closeness, affection, personal attachment, an affinity developed towards someone, a fondness; intimacy can be a bridge to caring for another, where before numbness may have ruled the days of your life. In my life the cross I carried with me for all my younger days was the burden and pain of feeling disconnected from humanity, living in like a purgatory. I know the horrid depths and agony of feeling cut off from others or separated. That pain drove me to seek help, and out of the necessity to survive, I didn’t give up. It took a dedicated and focused determination never to stop trying. Today, I have progressed to the point that not every living, waking moment is filled with addictions and despair. I still struggle, but most addictions are conquered. I have work to do in the area of developing a stronger bridge to cross the gulf between me and others, but I have been to the other side, and I feel stronger. Having been raised in the Catholic church, communion it seemed was the be-all and end-all of a pathway to God.
It is my belief today that communion, to a living spiritual God, GRACE, is found in crossing that bridge that joins with another person.
Photo by Alexander Andrews on Unsplash
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** Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
- My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 70+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: The Hidden Bugaboo (*recommended). The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday. The Man Who Lives Under the Bridge. Living in the Dis-World. SPECTRUM.
