“Why do I feel as though I’m writing a sad story, when my aim was to tell the story of a liberation?” – Edouard Louis
On the road of healing from Complex PTSD (CPTSD), our stories are often filled with sadness. In other moments they may be filled with stories of liberation and possibility. I actually believe that, in moments along the healing path, they may occur together to create a sense of wholeness.
There’s no denying that there’s much sadness connected to surviving relational trauma
There’s no denying that there’s much sadness connected to surviving relational trauma. We may grieve what we’ve lost in time, our own potential, opportunities, relationships, or even a simple peace within ourselves free of shame and anger. And, it’s necessary and central to healing to remember, and to feel our way through, deep sadness. Naming this kind of grieving “self-sorrowing,” Pete Walker writes it’s “…one of the most beautiful and restorative of emotional experiences. There is nothing in the world more centering than a good unabashed cry about one’s troubles. Nothing dissolves the awful abandonment pain of the inner child like a good cry for the self.” Grieving for what was lost, what was unnecessarily endured, what had to be forfeited or never-realized of our own potential is all a critical part of healing.
At the same time…
Healing is not only a slog through solitary, unremitting sadness. As a counterpoint to necessary self-sorrowing, there are moments of what one of my clients calls, “self-marveling.” “Self-marveling” becomes possible as self-compassion grows, most particularly compassion for the wounded parts of ourselves revealed through our self-sorrowing. I’ve witnessed these moments in the progress of a client’s healing when there’s a sort of “consolidation” of experience; it’s a reunion of various parts of ourselves and experiences that have come before, allowing a sense of wholeness. These are moments where self-compassion has begun to find some measure of footing in an arid landscape previously littered with self-loathing or shame. These moments are guideposts along the healing route signaling some hopeful progress. They nudge us towards a liberation from what was, toward a sense of future possibilities.
They are not singularly brilliant or joyous moments. They are more like moments where one rises to the emotional equivalent of a 20,000-foot bird’s eye view and sees the whole of what the path has been – challenging, painful, a series of psychic descents into, and ascents from, depths of struggle. In those moments there can be an acute and painful awareness of what the younger parts of ourselves had to navigate in our family, community, and culture.
Simultaneously, there can be an acute awareness of the brilliance of the young parts of us who survived in spite of it all; the toddler, school age, teenage and/or adult parts of us who survived creatively, perseveringly, and by finding nourishing resources wherever they could… through imagination, books, art, music, teachers, work, school, sports, or friends. In this space of self-marveling, we can connect with the exiled parts of us who had gifts like humor, originality, tenacity, grit and playfulness. In connecting with these qualities from the past, there’s also the possibility of reclaiming those early gifts for ourselves in the present.
Without a doubt writing a new story of healing is daunting. However, also without a doubt, having “a sad story” does not negate the possibility of also finding a “story of a liberation.” With dedicated and courageous effort, it is possible. To know more about the process I described, you may wish to explore the writing of Pete Walker or Richard Schwartz. You may also wish to learn more about therapeutic work done through the Internal Family Systems model at www.ifs-institute.com.
Copyright 2024 Jennifer Lock Oman
Photo credit:
Engin Akyurt/Pexels
Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
Jennifer Lock Oman, LISW, BCD, is a psychotherapist with over 35 years of professional experience. Her passion has been the study of human emotions, and their centrality in motivation, connection, and change. Currently, her interests also include the study of Complex PTSD and the clinical application of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy to healing relational trauma.
