PERSONAL POWER
By Jesse Donahue 2024 ©
Characterized by a lack of desire or an inability to focus…
Here I go winging it, with no outline to follow. The development of this paper is a reflection of my life, characterized by a lack of desire or an inability to focus. The push to go forward without thoughtful planning, many would say, as does the voice in my head, “You should carefully plan before you begin writing.” But it seems I do not want to, indeed am resistant, even adverse to, succeeding? (Within this illogical “process” lies a deficiency of will, beyond mere laziness. It is a reflection of lacking a sense of personal power, or “permission,” that has left my life’s vehicle stuck on the side of the road.) This is equivalent to forgetting to get fuel before setting off in life.
In all too many moments, I feel powerless to go down the path I know I “should,” at this moment and throughout my life. I might be successful, I might become somebody of noteworthy recognition, if only I would focus on the moment. Yet the moment is a blur in time, a place I want to escape from, as I quickly and busily avoid any ‘conflicts’ that arise from engaging with others in life. For me to set out and fail from the beginning is a silent, hidden mission of dutifully surrendering my personal power, or my agency, over to my abuser. I have become powerless! Suddenly, I see a new mission and message, “finding and developing my lost and squashed personal power.” Loss of personal power is akin to “Learned Helplessness.” Life and personal success are about engagement in the world, using one’s personal power—a self-permission to succeed.
The moment is a blur in time…
All the suffering in my life, the constancy of moments spent trying to find a remedy for the symptoms of C-PTSD, has derailed me. I wrote a paper a while back where I boisterously decried the audacity of abuse from my mother in childhood. She has passed now, but my mostly unrecognized lifelong battle has been with personal disempowerment. Never daring to confront her openly for what she did to me. It strikes me now that was the depth of my hiding in life; (That paralysis toward facing my abuser. My cowering in the proverbial corner of my mind, hiding my “secret and repressed anger,” is a large part of my elusive neurotic symptoms.) Yet, it still shows a spark of life, having not completely succumbed. Depression, anxiety, phobias, and magical thinking are some of the symptoms of many who suffer from C-PTSD. It may be an imperative, specifically, working to “reclaim that loss of personal power toward your abuser.” To phrase that differently, learning to stand up for yourself. It is not simple. Many of us stand in front of our abuser and instantly revert to a powerless, helpless child. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is not our fault. Trauma can do that to a child.
The strength found in taking my abuser to task for their disturbing behavior towards me was a big step toward starting personal agency. Even if it was after she passed away, and written down as a personal expression of how I feel. Safety always comes first! Personally, I would never have shared that writing if she were still alive. The consequences could have been being cut off from my entire family and being disowned. We may want to, alone and/or in a therapist’s office, take the reins of steering our life, individuating from the abuser and their lack of permission. It has taken years since her death to find the strength to look at the tangled web of issues toward her, let alone stand up to her, for myself. The depth of accumulated trauma upon a soul’s “personal permission” toward self-empowerment can be staggering. The transgenerational buck stops with me! (Ha, famous last words.) Co-dependency requires us to remain powerless. Transcending to freedom does not. Freedom, the journey to it, requires ‘resurrecting’ one’s innate personal power, and the development of self-agency.
The loss of personal power can be related to the concept of “Learned Helplessness.” See my essay at the CPTSDfoundation.org titled “Learned Helplessness.” You can be the judge in comparing these two essays: https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/02/14/learned-helplessness-jd/
Photo by julian mora on Unsplash
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*Copyright notice. All writings copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
Therapy has helped improve my self-understanding as well as writing skills through journaling and essays. Although this writing journey began in later years, it has led to 70+ essays oriented around issues with CPTSD – a trauma disorder.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels (unpublished), and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Initially, the essays, intended for my therapist’s eyes only, began with exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings, or the lack of, onto paper, a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision, I shared them with the readers. *My thanks to Paul Michael Marinello, the editor of the CPTSD Foundation. My intent is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find (if desired) a therapist when they are willing and ready for that step. For some of us, it can be a long and challenging process, over extensive periods, to awaken to the unconscious issues that cause us to act out in life. Our behavior may seem like dancing to a buried, invisible cause we cannot directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding.
Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
Jesse B. Donahue
*Type a keyword into the foundations search engine. (Jesse, Heart, Personal, Twelve, Bugaboo, etc.) Or, Type Jesse Donahue at The CPTSD Foundation on a Google search.
Published with the CPTSD foundation. Top 10 essays in order of number of views:
- The Smoldering Embers of C-PTSD
- The Heart of the Matter
- Learned Helplessness
- Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty
- Twelve Days Without Coffee
- The Hidden Bugaboo
- Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame
- Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self-Hate
- The Emptiness of Yesterday
- Surfing the Light Through the Darkness