Hello, I’m Randi, and my mother did things to me that were cruel. This is the story I told myself growing up. It was the story I told others as well. However, the sad truth is that saying those words will not guarantee that someone will start listening. (trigger warning, as this may be difficult for some readers, so please be kind to yourself as you read.)
Why? I’ve learned the hard way that awareness is everything and that the lack of awareness of the “A” word (abuse) made it so that my story wasn’t fully understood or heard. Why is there a lack of awareness or desire to learn about emotional abuse? One main reason is that emotional abuse is harder to define. Abuse, specifically emotional, is still taboo. Since there are no physical scars, was it really abuse?
This was the question I could never answer when I would tell my mother that what she was doing was wrong. Like most abusers, she told me it was my fault. Starting at 8-years-old, I was told that if only I was more respectful, she wouldn’t have thrown me out of the house. I was “retrieved” at the beginning, but over time, I would have to bang on the door to be allowed to re-enter. There were incidences where I was not allowed to pass into my mudroom entrance all night. I felt abandoned, unwanted, discarded, degraded, unsafe, and conditioned to see that the outside world as a bad place (after all, my “punishment” was to have to leave my home), but was this abuse? I was clothed, I was fed, I was physically healthy. Was she disciplining me in a way that I didn’t like, or was it something more?
Over the years, I told my story to a few. Once I told them what was going on, we never spoke of it again. Their discomfort only reinforced my belief that although it was bad, it was not worth harping over. To this day, I have childhood friends that will call my mother “crazy” but have never used the “A” word to describe what happened to me. Shockingly, I told the details of my story to therapists who shook their heads with disbelief and simply labeled me as having General Anxiety Disorder. I was put on and taken off medication. We discussed ways to “conquer my anxiety”. The lack of knowledge about emotional abuse and CPTSD is mind-boggling in retrospect.  I never used the “A” word, and sadly, neither did they.
These were not terrible people. So why did they turn a blind eye to what was happening to me? This brings me to my second and third explanations. Denial and lack of awareness. There needs to be more light shined on emotional/psychological abuse so that there is never a doubt that abuse comes in many forms. The lack of openness and education about this made it easier to see my mother as a wacko rather than to see my mother as abusive. There isn’t enough widespread knowledge about the numerous ways abuse can rear its ugly head.
I learned from an early age that monsters are real. When I told my story, I exposed a rawness and a knowledge nobody should possess. I wonder to this day if/how my life would have changed if someone would have recognized that the terrible things happening to me weren’t just unconventional, they were downright abusive. So how do we spread awareness? It is the proverbial story of the chicken and the egg. Did the mainstream need to step-up and take initiative to learn about abuse so they could have recognized my abuse for what it was? Or do survivors need to speak up and educate others so that the mainstream gains awareness? I think the answer is both.
With events going on in the world today, I have learned more than ever about the importance of awareness. Complacency will not allow for change, and there is so much change that needs to take place. As a child, there was nothing I could do to stop the abuse. It is sad and terrible that nobody saw my childhood for what it was. I was (and still am) a victim. I am also a survivor. No matter what type of abuse you endured, no matter how devastating its effects were in your life, you are still here. That makes all of us survivors. The people in our lives failed us, and it is necessary that we show compassion for ourselves, look our pain in the eye, and label it for what it is, abuse. We need to spread the word that abuse comes in many forms. We need to face the discomfort and the denial that others have shown. To do so gives us power in a world where we were powerless.
-My name is Randi, and I am the victim and survivor of child abuse. I am sharing my story to illustrate the importance of knowledge and change. We have a responsibility to advocate for ourselves and scream the “A” word. We cannot change our pasts, but if we speak our truths, perhaps we can save others from the horrors we experienced.  I can’t promise that everyone will listen, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. We were once alone, but we aren’t now. I hear you. I will listen, and I promise to stand beside you.
originally published on Surviving Mom Blog
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I am a native New Yorker, but I currently live in Atlanta with my husband, rambunctious 8-year-old daughter, our 2 cats, and our hyper dog. Writing has always been my outlet. I have contributed to numerous publications, including The Mighty, Thought Catalog, Morning Lazziness, Authority Magazine, Her View from Home, and Thrive Global.
I believe writing helped me become the person and mother that I am today. I created Surviving Mom Blog (www.survivingmomblog.com), where I write about surviving abuse and the struggles of of life, relationships, and motherhood. Please head over to the blog, where my hope is that my words provide support, validation and comfort to others in their own healing journeys.
Let’s connect! Follow my page on Facebook, @survivimomblog (https://www.facebook.com/survivmomblog/). I can also be reached on Instagram (@SurvivingMomBlog), Pinterest (@survivmomblog), and Twitter (@survivmomblog).
Randi, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so damn right, abuse is abuse is abuse.
As another survivor of CPTSD, abused both physically and emotionally, I get that people don’t want to hear about it. It makes them uncomfortable. Some tell me to just get over it, to not “wallow” in it. They think positive thinking will conquer all. My negative attitude is the problem.
Too bad, they are just plain wrong. What we have is real, you and I know and feel and live the reality of it every second of every day. I share my story with everyone I consider a friend. If they don’t want to hear it they aren’t a true friend. A true friend listens to what is in your heart.
Thank you for your story, Micah Lyn.
Hi, Micah! Thank you so much for your support. You are incredibly brave and strong to be able to share your story openly with anyone you consider a friend. You know the horrors of what you’ve experienced, and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise! I wrote a post on my blog about the importance of acknowledging trauma if someone shares their story with you.
https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/addressing-the-elephant-in-the-room-why-silence-is-not-always-golden
Micah Lyn,
Thank you so much for your support. I’m awaiting approval on my response to you because I attached a post from my blog.
In the meantime, I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your feedback, and how strong you are to openly share your story with anyone who you consider a friend.
Randi,
I’m very sorry to hear your story and know that no one intervened. I am 52 years old, so when I was young, and being bullied for an entire school year, no one stepped in for me, either. I believe the ignorance over how deeply traumatic such events can be, was a sign of those times. Mental illness, verbal/emotional abuse, etc., were taboo, or not understood. Now, my 19 and 18 year old children are likely on the CPTSD spectrum, from psychological abuse over their lifetime by the man I chose to marry. He is likely suffering from NPD. He, however, is not the type that needs to be regarded as the best. Instead, he sucks the life and money out of women. Because I work as a TV News Anchor, and do the evening newscasts, the judge in our divorce granted joint custody, but allowed my ex to be the residential parent, since, according to the judge “You work at night.” As the financial and insurance provider, I eventually had to move five hours away from my children. My ex husband is “allergic” to work, so without my income, and that of his now third wife, the kids would not have remained in their school, with their friends, and so on. My point is, my children grew up terrified of their father’s subtle criticism and judgement. He was verbally abusive, but so clever that the kids blamed themselves for disappointing him. With my presence removed, they have become allied with his way of thinking, and have told me not to contact them again. It is like Stockholm Syndrome. My ex truly hates me, for I am the one person who knows what and who he really is. So, to love or defend me to their father, was dangerous to the kids. They learned that in order to have their basic needs met, they must adopt the opinions and perspectives of their father, and therefore reject me, at the cost of becoming independent individuals, and successful adults.
Did not intend to ramble out my story; but, for you, for me, and for everyone one else out there who has survived the abuse by a sick person in their immediate circle, I will find a way to use my platform as an anchor/reporter to shed more light on this issue, which is far more pervasive and insidious than we know.
Katherine, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. It breaks my heart to read about your suffering and the suffering of your children. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am in awe of your strength, courage, and determination to use your platform to shed more light on the many forms of abuse. I am trying to use my blog to bring awareness as well. Thank you for your support. Sending hugs!
Randi, thank you for sharing your story. Abuse is abuse even if it is not physical. I have just started my healing journey from the trauma I had as a child and reading this article and then going to your blog and reading your blog made me feel as if I have someone with me on this journey that understands thank you. I love the homeschool schedule. I have printed it and I will be using it when we start school in September thank you for sharing your story!
I’m glad my words and blog have helped you. I’m so sorry for what you went through as a child. Abuse is abuse, and you are right; you do have someone who understands 🙂
I’m happy that you found the homeschool schedule useful. Best of luck with your homeschooling this year.
That’s wonderful that you are starting to heal and process your trauma. Sending strength and hugs!