Many nights I toss and turn until I can’t stand it anymore. I lay wondering what past trauma or current conflict is contributing to my sleeplessness until my mind just goes blank. In the early years of recovery, it seemed every waking moment was devoted to objectively identifying inner conflicts and the root cause of so much relentless distress.

Being raised by constantly critical “parents” who reveled in pointing out my flaws, and wanting to free myself from inner pain, I became fairly proficient at identifying and eventually resolving issues. An example of turning adverse conditioning into a tool for progress, it’s a useful approach – a way of reclaiming my power.

Now, as the birds chirp rather loudly over the drone of air conditioners in the foggy dark before dawn, it occurs to me that somehow that obsessive need to find fault, even from a purely objective perspective, is holding me back. I notice anomalies and pathologize them. What if, some hidden self whispers, all that tossing, and turning isn’t actually an issue? What if it’s not some buried anxiety churning? What if it’s not some harsh self-judgment working its way to the surface?

What if, in fact, it’s a longing to express some creative urge? Some impetus to progress? What if I just need to get up and DO something productive and meaningful? What if this unrest is evidence of growth, a turning point, rather than evidence of dysfunction? Well there’s a novel notion!

After all, I did and do automatically and unfairly compare myself to the status quo, to see how and whether and to what degree I match or measure up. But if recovery has taught me anything, if my own self-observations bear anything out, it’s that I don’t naturally resonate with certain conventions of the status quo. My brain rotates around a different sun. I mean, I routinely awaken well before the sun, like 4 am this morning. What rule says I must sleep from 10 pm to 6 am? What if that’s not how I’m wired? Attempting to force me into yet another mold I don’t naturally fit only creates additional angst. So maybe the real issue, since I seem so determined to identify one, is trying to force myself to accommodate some status quo convention or outside expectation. In a quest for authenticity, I really must object!

This, to me, is something of a revelation! I suspect a great many people if allowed to be themselves, would deviate from the status quo in various ways. Not in negative, detrimental ways, not in ways harmful to self or others, but just different. I don’t just mean green hair or body piercings either. There’s something to be said for allowing that difference. After all, innovations are the result of some deviation from the norm. Automobiles don’t have wagon wheels, after all. Status quo norms are generally accepted practices, not absolutely how things have to be. Conformity to the norm may well be an underlying cause of otherwise unnecessary personal conflict. Why not eat cereal with fruit juice rather than milk, even almond milk? Just because that’s not portrayed in TV programs or in the homes of family and friends doesn’t make it wrong or weird or inappropriate. Maybe not sleeping more than 6 hours per night or more than a couple of hours at a time is no different. If that’s not natural to me, why force myself to be otherwise? Or worse, why pathologize it? Why must I automatically assume something different from the norm is inherently wrong? Hmm.

I’m reminded of one of my all-time favorite quotes. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted in a profoundly sick society.” – J. Krishnamurti. Having suffered from serious dysfunction imposed upon me, and enduring the long-term, adverse consequences firsthand, I want no part of it. So if that means doing something as simple as getting up when I feel like it, I will. If that means actively seeking the beneficial purpose of my “quirks” rather than defining them as wrong, I will. If that means embracing my neuro-atypical “uniqueness” as potentially a gift to myself and the world, I will.

Today, though painful, confusing, and extremely inconvenient, I can’t say that abuse trauma is only an impediment. In fact, it maybe a significant factor ensuring that I become who I was born to be. After all, lifelong self-doubt ensures that I question automatic assumptions. Built-in distrust demands a deeper search for truth. That same brain wiring used for hypervigilance can also be used to notice diverse correlations that lead to a greater and far more certain understanding.

Gosh, I’m really glad I got up for this. Instead of fuming in frustration in a futile attempt to sleep, I’m smiling … with the birds sweetly chirping over the gentle hum of air conditioners in the cool gray dawn.

by J. Bradley O

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J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.