We assume we know people’s lives by the mere glimpses they show us. We think we know someone based on the brief encounters we exchange on our way to work or when we bump into each other. The playdates where we talk about our kids. The smiling family photos on Instagram. The superficial exchanges we have over text. The times when we politely ask how someone is doing and they say that they are fine. That isn’t someone’s full life. We shouldn’t judge a person by what they choose to share about their life. It is what they allow you to see.
Take me, for instance. Most people would describe me as peppy, outgoing, bubbly, happy, and exuberant. That is a part of my personality, but there is so much more to me that people don’t know (unless they read my blog, that is).
In reality, I feel fearful most of the time, I’m quite shy, I have social anxiety, and I am afraid to tell people about my past. I care deeply about others, and I also feel deeply. I put my heart and soul into every post I write, and I grieve for the childhood I never had. Each time I write a post about my past, my vulnerability takes a huge toll on me. I put my stories out there to try to break the stigma and shame associated with it, and it saddens me that some people I consider friends have not reached out to me about these private and traumatic details.
I typically show people the side of me that is full of life and contentment; the parts of me that are filled with loneliness and anxiety I tuck away when I am around others. Although talkative and engaging in groups, I am usually exhausted emotionally after a social event. I’m a true introvert, although you’d probably never know it.
Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I am not putting on a show when I’m around people. We show different sides to ourselves around different people. I am simply showing one side, and that is a genuine part of who I am. However, there is so much more that doesn’t get seen. There is often much more to someone than meets the eye if you get to really know them and don’t turn away.
Never judge a person unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
I have gone through hell and back, but I learned at a very young age to keep my pain to myself based on others’ reactions. Many have gone through their own suffering. They have experienced loss, divorce, miscarriages, bullying, loneliness, depression, and pain. Most of us keep that part a secret because society has taught us to “tough it out” and “stay strong”. The people around us feel discomfort about those situations and don’t want to acknowledge them, so those that are struggling often don’t share the full extent of their pain. As a result, it is easy for those of us who are suffering to look around at others and feel inferior. We live in a world where everyone appears to have it all together. I call bullshit.
I wrote a post about always being grateful, but not feeling grateful this Thanksgiving. Many understood the point I was trying to make and told me how much they appreciated it. It warmed my heart when I was told they felt less alone and more accepted because of my post. Others commented that we should always be grateful. I was also told that I shouldn’t write about this topic on a public forum out of respect for those that enjoy the holidays and who do feel grateful.
Feelings are never right or wrong. They simply are what they are. Others may not agree with our feelings, but that does not make our feelings any less valid. Yet feelings are often met with resistance. We are told to suck it up, count our blessings, remember that it could be worse, and sent the underlying message to not speak our truths. Our truths may be different than others, but we are entitled to voice them. Our pain, our truths, our stories- they are all unique and all deserve to be respected and heard.
We shouldn’t judge a person unless we’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
We must stop assuming, and we must start spreading kindness and empathy. I write Surviving Mom Blog and use my platform for all those who have suffered and haven’t had the support of others. Let us accept that we all have our own unique journey. Let us not perpetuate the shame and pain others feel during this time of year or at any time of year.
Let us start acknowledging the sorrows that exist around us, instead of trying to micromanage those feelings. We must stop ignoring and minimizing what/how others feel.
Those people that exude confidence, but feel lost, this post is for you. The children that put on a brave face at school, but go home and cry because they are being bullied, this post is for you. The people who try so hard, but feel so very lonely, this post is for you. For every person who has so much more going on than meets the eye, this post is for you. For every person that is struggling with the stigma of mental illness, this post is for you. If you are the victim of abuse or trauma, this post is for you. On behalf of those who are told to be strong no matter how much their heart is breaking, this post is for you. This post is for me too.
This holiday season, and moving forward, I hope we will stop assuming and start reaching out more. It is often the ones who seem the happiest that are suffering the most. People are more likely to show different sides to themselves if they feel safe doing so. Let’s be a safe person for others.
Don’t judge a person unless you’ve walked in their shoes.
Don’t sum a person up by their smiles and laughter. Instead, talk about topics of sustenance. Reveal matters that others wouldn’t know by common banter, and give space for others to do the same. If someone bravely shares something private and difficult to share, express kindness and empathy. Do not turn a blind eye to their pain or tell them what they should or shouldn’t say or feel.
Life is hard enough. Choose kindness. We don’t know what burdens people are carrying, but we can help them unload that baggage if we assume less and open our minds and heart more.
This story was previously written in Surviving Mom Blog.
I am a native New Yorker, but I currently live in Atlanta with my husband, rambunctious 8-year-old daughter, our 2 cats, and our hyper dog. Writing has always been my outlet. I have contributed to numerous publications, including The Mighty, Thought Catalog, Morning Lazziness, Authority Magazine, Her View from Home, and Thrive Global.
I believe writing helped me become the person and mother that I am today. I created Surviving Mom Blog (www.survivingmomblog.com), where I write about surviving abuse and the struggles of of life, relationships, and motherhood. Please head over to the blog, where my hope is that my words provide support, validation and comfort to others in their own healing journeys.
Let’s connect! Follow my page on Facebook, @survivimomblog (https://www.facebook.com/survivmomblog/). I can also be reached on Instagram (@SurvivingMomBlog), Pinterest (@survivmomblog), and Twitter (@survivmomblog).
Randi, this is a great post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. I too feel that feelings are real and should be shared, it is the only path forward.
Thank you for your kind words and feedback. I’m so glad my post resonated with you.