Training for a marathon makes sense. Training for a job evaluation-definitely. Have you thought about training for the holidays?
Winter is Coming…
Up here in Canada, the leaves are turning yellow and falling from the trees. Summer days give way far too easily to the chill breezes of autumn. In a blink it is over, the snow quickly covering any leftover reminders of dappling toes in the water or feeling the sun sink deep into our skin. For me, autumn brings a kind of dread that is difficult to explain. It’s like a summoning up of courage to face the oncoming cold. I begin to brace myself internally as soon as I feel that chill and desperately scan the sky for the sun. I know it’s more than the temperature that my brain is anticipating. Winter is synonymous with traditions, celebrations, and reminiscing. It brings a season of holidays, one after another, that have to be navigated carefully.
Winter Brings Holidays
These holidays are difficult for those of us who carry trauma in our bones. Holidays are seldom filled with only positive emotions. They are markers of the passage of time that require a measure of nostalgia.
In 2 days my son will turn 15 years old. It’s the first of many sweetly painful moments of the winter season. His boyhood is gone and, if I am not careful, I am hit like a truck with memories of his father who we are still grieving. I hear his father in his deep, throaty guffaw. I see the same twinkle of glee in his blue eyes that his father had when dishing out a terrible pun. I feel his protective gaze upon me when he worries, and it reminds me of the way my husband loved to be my protector. Amidst the preparations to honour his birthday, I grieve once more for the loss of my husband.
These holidays and traditions of winter are just beginning and I feel unprepared. Soon Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas will be upon us and we need to begin preparing ourselves. We need to train for the upcoming marathon of emotion.
The Danger of Denial at Holiday Time
I wrote a post about last year in November when I was struggling with overwhelming feelings, traumatic flashbacks, and lengthy dissociations. I recall a moment with my doctor when she was asking questions to determine the root of this increased distress. We went through a long list of possible causes but nothing resonated until she asked me about Christmas.
“Christmas?” I replied. “I haven’t given Christmas any thought at all.”
She looked at me with her typical keenness and made an observation. “I think Michelle, we should look carefully at what you are avoiding thinking about.”
I practically gasped out loud as the gigantic pile of worries, fears, memories, and past traumas connected with Christmas appeared out of nowhere. No, not nowhere. They were there the whole time. Like an elephant, I had tried to cover with a tablecloth muttering, ‘la, la, la” and plugging my ears to pretend it away. I’d fooled my conscious self but my unconscious self was not to be trifled with. The feelings I could not understand before, crystalized.
This is what we do sometimes, not only those of us who carry trauma. We deny. We hide. We run. We minimize. My Christmases of the past carried horrible experiences of my Grandmother’s suicide, my father being incarcerated, the stress of financial issues as were bankrupted over and over again, and graphic memories of childhood abuse. Now, I had to add even more to that pile of unresolved pain. My husband’s death, worries about my children, and making Christmas a beautiful memory for them, Covid robbing us of a family at a time we needed them most. I had tried to run from it all and it had dogged my heels, landing on top of me and burying me in pain.
Training for the Holidays
I don’t want that to happen again. I want to be ready to face the inevitable swirl of emotions that each celebration will bring. That is what I am going to train for.
How? By doing the opposite of my instinctual reaction. I will not run, hide or deny. I will face the emotions with whatever skills I have right now. It won’t be pretty. I can guarantee that. But I won’t be sucker-punched by unresolved trauma from years past or present worries.
I will journal. I will talk to trusted individuals. I will use art to express emotion. I will practice self-care. I will be ready.
What will you be doing to train for the holidays?
Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
This was absolutely beautiful. I honor your bravery. I’ve often wondered why some legacies are so sad and then how we transform them. I resonated with every word. Thank you.
Kat
Thank you for the kind words. Breaking family cycles is hard and painful for sure. I hope my children will struggle just a little less than I and that my grandchildren will be even more free of our destructive family cycles.