As I sit here with several benign tumors that are causing constant pain, I realize how chronic medical problems have followed me throughout life. I was always the sickly, hand-shy kid. Pain and odd ailments punctuate every major inflection point, like a divorce or career change. I land in urgent care or the emergency room nearly annually, or at best, every other year. Tonsillitis three times in my forties. Cysts and fibroids abound. A couple of cancer scares. Before I was diagnosed with CPTSD, I didn’t understand how mental illness can affect a body so deeply, even as it was happening to me. In 2005, an orthopedic surgeon and several physical therapists grew frustrated because I couldn’t relax my leg. One flat-out yelled at me after knee surgery because I couldn’t bend the way I was instructed to. My muscles have been so tense for so long that I don’t know how to relax. Now in my 50s, the muscle pain is a persistent bother. It was during a therapy session that the connection was made: a lost child frozen in time.
I’ve been stuck in freeze mode for decades. I’m still that four-year-old child who ran into the hallway begging for help after overhearing what my abusers had planned for me, only to be met with brutality. I made a lifestyle of hiding after that. And I never stopped.
Even in plain sight, I tuck myself into shadowy corners and back rows, wearing oversized clothes. Back to the wall and an exit nearby for a stealthy escape. Not being noticed is my superpower. After diagnosis, the CPTSD Foundation was one of the first sites I found. An article on Lost Child Syndrome struck home, particularly with the line, “The first belief is that they have the power to hurt others around them by taking up space in the world.” It was as though someone held up a mirror and it shook me to the core. I was “safe,” but at what cost? It was the opposite of FOMO. Rather than being afraid of missing out, I worried about having to be there. It wasn’t a social life; it was an asocial life.
The pain of hiding, frozen in time, accumulates. Surrounded by a legion of squishy toys, I squeeeeeze the ever-living life out of them during therapy sessions. My legs tangle around the chair legs as my arms stretch taut across the armrests, with my hands clutching as though I’m on a ride at a theme park with a reputation for being unsafe. Therapy has given me an understanding of how I live in this world and I now have tools to help me cope better but addressing the physical aspect has become a priority.
A New Sensation
I enrolled in a somatic therapy program that uses a combination of techniques like polyvagal therapy and the Feldenkrais Method. Yoga has been a favorite for years, so I expected to dive right in. The result? The first attempt was scarier than anticipated. Why? Imagine dangling off the edge of a cliff for years. Someone offers a hand to pull you up. You’ve been hanging off this precipice most of your life—it’s become your reality. The idea of actual safety doesn’t register. Neither does the idea of trusting the person offering help. Persistence is key.
It took me several tries to make it through the first somatic therapy exercise, which simply consisted of laying down and concentrating on the sensations in my body. It triggered me. I was shocked and saddened, worried that I might not make it through the program. It took several tries over days. Each time I started to cry, but then, finally, I relaxed. Really relaxed. If that orthopedic surgeon could see me now!
The aftereffects were amazing. It was similar to how you feel after a massage. I felt lighter and there was a tingling sensation in my muscles; the tension freed up. I was a bit light-headed but in a pleasant way. While I have a long way to go in these programs that focus on bodywork, I’m already seeing the benefits, and I look forward to putting a lot of effort into them. My advice:
- Before signing up for anything, sample what you can. Some workers in the space make a selection of sessions available for free on their sites or their channels on YouTube so you can try it for yourself.
- Chat with people (says the girl who never wanted to talk to anyone)! If you have access to online or in-person groups, ask what the experience was like for others. Was it worth the cost?
- Be open-minded, but do your research. Some methods seem “out there” and may feel silly at times, but when you find something effective, it’s a revelation. Check out reviews and read up on the qualifications of the people selling the programs. Are they making claims that are over the top?
- Give yourself time! Pace yourself, be patient and compassionate with yourself, and have a line to whatever support you can if you need help.
After a lifetime of feeling disconnected from the world, it can feel unsettling and terrifying to open up. Hypervigilance is exhausting and the physical effects are real. It’s never too late to start listening to your body and guide it through the healing process.
Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
Lee Frost has worked for nonprofits and marketing agencies focusing on healthcare for the past ten years. She’s a patient advocate and recently launched a blog about menopause and CPTSD called the Sinsemillier. She grew up in the Boston area and has a BA from UMass Boston and a master’s from Harvard Extension School. Lee lives north of Boston with her husband, where they both love to nerd out on sci-fi and fantasy.
Due to the Only If It’s In My Own Back Yard mindset, the prevailing collective attitude, however implicit or subconscious, basically follows: ‘Why should I care — my kids are alright?’ or ‘What is in it for me, the taxpayer, if I support programs for other people’s troubled families?’
While some people will justify it as a normal thus moral human evolutionary function, the self-serving OIIIMOBY can debilitate social progress, even when social progress is most needed. And it seems this distinct form of societal penny wisdom but pound foolishness is a very unfortunate human characteristic that’s likely with us to stay. …
I happened upon a study (titled ‘The Science of Early Childhood Development’, 2007) that formally discovered what should have been the obvious. The following quoted text was taken from the study’s 13-page report:
“The future of any society depends on its ability to foster the health and well-being of the next generation. Stated simply, today’s children will become tomorrow’s citizens, workers, and parents. When we invest wisely in children and families, the next generation will pay that back through a lifetime of productivity and responsible citizenship. When we fail to provide children with what they need to build a strong foundation for healthy and productive lives, we put our future prosperity and security at risk
… All aspects of adult human capital, from work force skills to cooperative and lawful behavior, build on capacities that are developed during childhood, beginning at birth … The basic principles of neuroscience and the process of human skill formation indicate that early intervention for the most vulnerable children will generate the greatest payback.”
Thank you for sharing the quote from that study–it’s definitely an important point that often gets overlooked when we talk about things like this.
I’m so sorry for your pain Lee. I really like the Curable app and recommend it to clients who have trauma and pain. I’ve used it myself and have found it really helpful.
Thank you for the recommendation! I looked it up and will give it a try. It looks like it would be a good supplement to the somatic therapy program I’m in now.
This struck me hard. I’m in constant pain and doctors won’t even consider that it’s related to the abuse I suffered as a boy. To the stress I have everyday just going into public (I am homeless and stay as far from people as I can)
I have no money and no job. I’ve had jobs but I either don’t show up after 2 days cuz I just can’t or I get let go because of my situation.
I don’t trust anything or anyone and it’s getting worse.
It is difficult to get people to listen about how trauma and pain and medical problems are connected. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Thank you for reading the article.