Trigger Warning
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Time stops.
My mind is now its’ own universe, everything else is foggy and distant. I feel too many emotions at once. They jumble around, bouncing off each other, competing for the top spot. I’m angry, sad, frightened, ashamed, and confused. I am in the danger of the past. My breathing is slow, almost imperceptible. My chest is tight and I’m running out of air. I feel trapped in place, unable to move. All reminiscent of back then.
I’m not completely sure if I actually exist, I feel inhuman. My mind tells me this is where I live now. There are only these thoughts and feelings – past, present, or future. There is only this despair. I lose contact with parts of my body. I don’t hear the background noises anymore. In my eyes is that far away look of someone who is not fully present.
I’m afraid, I’m agitated, and I can’t control the tears. The critical thoughts arrive. “You are pathetic. Why can’t you keep your shit together? These feelings are senseless and it’s your fault you’re having them. No one likes you, they never have. People are dangerous; it’s best you avoid them. Why can’t you be normal? Stop crying! It wasn’t that bad. There are people who have experienced worse, who frankly are doing much better.”
I am in the process of dying.
I am in that moment when a foot misses a stair and the heart stops beating before tumbling into the void of perpetual nothing. I am no one and nowhere.
It’s hard, but I do talk to select people about how I am feeling. Some folks are helpful; others say things that are laughable. I feel invalidated and unheard. Why can’t they see me? Why can’t they see that I’m dying? Another thought of old.
I want to be held as I sob, for as long as it takes. Perhaps no amount of time would ever be enough. I want to be reminded to breathe, and for them to do the breathing with me. I don’t want to be told that I am safe but rather shown. Respect me, and that what I am feeling is real at this moment. Emotional Flashbacks are truly the same to my body and mind as if they were happening now.
I want to be told that it’s not my fault that my nervous system is hardwired to sense danger. I want there to be room for me to think. My brain is in quicksand and I need to be given time to find my words. I want any helper to talk slowly, calmly, and in a soft tone – but not in a way that is patronizing. I want to have my hand held. I want there to be no judgments, just kind curiosity. I want reassurances that I am not garbage, that I am not broken, and that all parts of me are welcome.
I can’t say these things out loud, at least rarely; I wish that I could and that they would be well received. I find it hard to trust and I expect should I dare to say these things, it would be what brings abandonment. The script is from long ago. But in truth, there have been those who have surprised me with their capacity to remain with me in my pain.
My mind is a chalkboard and the truths that I know are erased. I have to learn all over again that none of this is my fault. My therapist picks up the piece of chalk and writes; “You are allowed to have opinions”. A friend; “You are a special person who is loved”. A doctor; “You are worth my time”. Then an acquaintance, coworker, Internet friend, and so many others start to write other prompts.
My brain isn’t so sure at first, but eventually, it considers these various statements, and it wants to write some of its own. I pick up the chalk, and write; “This isn’t your fault. You are doing the best that you can. You can’t control your reactions, and you didn’t ask for this. You aren’t a horrible person. The feelings are real but feelings are not facts. You will feel something else in time, probably much sooner than you think.”
Then the moment comes, I am me again. I am no longer dying, my thoughts are clearer, I can laugh, create, and I can breathe. Both pictures of being triggered and being well, feel real to me when I’m in them- and that’s what I want you to understand.
Authors note: This is my description of what being triggered or in an Emotional Flashback is like for me as an individual with C-PTSD. I share as I do in my writings for two main reasons. One is that writing is often how I process and re-engage my “now brain”. With this comes the added bonus that I typically share what I write with the members of my support team. Secondly, my hope is to offer my words to those who may experience similar things, but who may never hear anyone else describe it, or who have been unable to create these descriptions themselves. I wish to drive away from the myth of aloneness.
Please do note, that the feelings I describe and my wishes on how to be supported, are not blanket statements for me and certainly not for anyone else.
If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe
Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
Heidi Fischer is a mental health advocate who lives in Saskatoon, Canada. Heidi enjoys writing about her personal experience with C-PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. Heidi is the creator of a popular mental health Instagram called @mentalhealthyxe and can also be found on her website mentalhealthyxe.com.
Has anyone used EMDR to overcome their complex sexual abuse trauma. I have experienced dissociation for nearly 50 years along with an inability to feel emotion. I’ve made progress with my current psychologist using traditional psychotherapy. This includes partial recollection of repressed memories. However progress has now stalled and I’m interested in finding out whether EMDR has some therapeutic benefit.
Hi, My name is Jennifer. I’m a 40yr old with Complex Trauma/C-PTSD. I have been doing EMDR for a year now. It is LIFE SAVING & LIFE CHANGING! I will admit it tool quite a while for me to start actual EMDR sessions bc there is so much ground work that has to be done. Developing a safe place and method to calming down if triggered especially after the sessions. I highly recommend you find someone who’s been doing it for a little while. I found that with the hand tappers and light bar simultaneously it has profound success. It is however totally draining. After a session I’m so drained I literally can’t figure out how to use the microwave or make dinner for my son without extreme focus and so much effort on my brain’s part bc it feels like complete mush and processing thoughts and actions is very difficult for me. My husband cones home early and leaves with our son for a few hrs while I’m in session. He has to make dinner and get him to bed bc nothings working upstairs in my head. But I feel so much lighter and floating everytime a trauma gets healed. I wish I had found this sooner.
I was engaged in EMDR early on in therapy, and it was a horrible experience. It was nearly seven years of being activated, sent home activated, and then doing it all over again two days later. I was in such a state that I ended up losing my job after a very successful thirty years. I lost my car, filed bankruptcy, lost my home, and suffered a completely new trauma from all that. What I’ve since learned is that the proper groundwork for safety had not been established prior to the start of EMDR, and that my therapist did not follow the established protocol. She inserted her own presence into my recollections as a safe person, but that never brought me back to feeling safe.
So…make sure you learn about EMDR, research therapists who use it, and interview those therapists. If they tell you to think of a safe place or person, and then say you’re ready, they are not the right therapist. You need to be able to access that safe person with success when you are triggered, and that takes time to establish. Also, question anyone who claims EMDR will heal you. EMDR WAS established for PTSD, a single incidence trauma, and I’ve been told that for CPTSD it can aid you, but may not be as effective. Also, try reading about bottom-up therapy and polyvagal theory. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing this. At first, I was so afraid for you, and wanting you to find a therapist. As I read on, I found that, indeed, you do have supports! I could so relate to what you wrote. I have received some horrible assistance, and some very helpful therapy, yet in the middle of a trigger or an emotional flashback it is still very difficult to “pull up” the strategies and resources to feel safe. I have recently started seeing a new therapist who is working with me on frequently checking in with my body, grounding, and being curious. This has been helpful because she revisits it and checks in on how it is working, each session. It’s not a “do this/try this/you should…” one time discussion that leaves me feeling like I must be doing it wrong when it doesn’t go well. I also benefit from writing. You totally captured the cyclical nature of CPTSD I experience: I’m doing what I’ve learned and making progress, and then there is the trigger/the flashback up-ending me again, and I fight to rise out of that dark, murky pond once again. There are times when I am so disillusioned by these setbacks still occurring in my senior years, yet my good days are better than they’ve been my entire life. And so I continue. They tell me that’s my resilience!
Thanks Lisa for your kind comment, and for sharing your experience as well. It is a lot of work no doubt, but I do have lots of support and same as you I have some pretty amazing days. Glad to hear you connected with my writing. All the best.
Hi My Name is Cathy, When I am triggered, I become someone else, polarized in a fight response. I scream and yell, then I hit myself, then I freeze, and then I might cry. To someone witnessing this, I am scary, and make them mad at me for screaming. One of the most heart warming things that happens to me, one of the things that makes me remember love, is when a animal is not afraid of me, be it a humming bird that comes close to me, or a cat that snuggles up in my lap, any animal that is not afraid of me, warms me and reminds me I am good, I am safe, I am loved. I had a sponsor once who instead of getting mad at me or withdrawing from me when I was triggered and yelling seeking her help, asked me, simply, “What happened?”… I got to the tears real quick and spoke of my fears…and then I was back in my body, my eyes connected with my soul, I was back on line… What Happened? The most powerful words to me when I’m triggered. If only I could remember to ask myself that every time I get hijacked…
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s amazing what those little words “what happened” can do. I’m glad you’ve had people ask them! I used to think that I would never be able to have real time recognitions of being triggered, but thankfully I was wrong. I do now some times, though I’m still learning. 💕
I can totally relate to the article. That is me. I too am in EMDR therapy and believe it is helping. I was cautioned upfront to find a therapist on emdria.org only. Seeing someone who is certified in EMDR versus one who has attended a course or two is critical. I also read that someone who doesn’t understand proper EMDR can do more damage. I see progress in myself but of course the negative me comes out when I can’t prevent my trigger reactions (my CPTSD Moments). It is a process, sometimes a seemingly long one but I am glad I am healing.
Thank-you for reading my writing and taking the time to leave a comment as well. I appreciate hearing your story, and I’m happy to hear it sounds like you’ve got some good support. Yes the progress can be slow, I know that myself, but it does happen, and I too am glad to see those little improvements over time. I wish you all the best on your journey.