For trauma sufferers as well as survivors, the burden of truth is often a difficult pill to swallow. In a recent dilemma, I have been stretched and squeezed into a mode of discomfort when it comes to decision-making.
My only niece is to be married in late October. RSVPs were due yesterday, and I have yet to respond.
Since parental alienation ended in the total estrangement of my only daughter, it has been increasingly difficult to assemble a rhythm of clear decision-making. It is particularly true for otherwise “easy” decisions. My brain is in an utter tangle, yet there exists a consistency of love, disappointment, obligation, and duty. As a trauma survivor, my brain has built a complex structure of defense mechanisms, actually solidifying past behaviors and patterns to which I always get to the same destination. Avoidance.
I love my niece with all of my heart and am so happy for her and her fiance. I want nothing more than to spend time with them on their special day, but I must be mindful of the unavoidable pitfalls of attending.
The burden of truth, in simpler terms, is aligned with my core beliefs, particularly one of honesty. Should I attend the wedding, all of my family will be there. Further, I will undoubtedly be introduced to all of the members of the family my niece is marrying into. This means I will have to give innumerable handshakes, hugs, pleasantries, and god-awful forced smiles. These are the worst kind – and in an essence lying. That’s the part I struggle with because I do not want to be disingenuous – I’d rather just not be there at all.
Plus, I will get the same question or two over and over and my mind will rambunctiously fumble formerly planned responses.
“How are you?” Option 1: I’m shitty, lonely, isolated, and spend most of my time untangling a grossly unprepared mind. My body and my mind have been broken, permanently. Option 2: I am hanging in there (lie). Option 3: Things are good (worse lie).
The other is some combination of “How is Maya?” or “Anything new happening with your daughter?” (Some of the family know I am alienated from my daughter, though I am not confident they can truly understand the ramifications of this family disease and the broken levees it leaves on another soul, as it is unnatural) Option 1: I don’t know (an uncomfortable truth). Option 2: Maya is codependent on her alienator, the one she has always considered her “greatest ally” She has suffered more emotional pain than anyone I have ever known.
None of these responses are good. Not a single one.
The truth is – at this very moment there are only a few places where I feel comfortable:
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Home on my couch
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My home handball court at Phipps Park (despite having had to mostly retire from playing)
It is my cross to bear and I haven’t made a decision. I’ve been harping on this from the day I first received the save the date, a year ago.
This is my burden and it is also my truth.
Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.
