TRIGGER WARNING: Contents of this post have the potential to be triggering to trauma survivors. Mention of alcohol use, food, and my own personal experiences as a child.
The title of this post is a common phrase everyone knows and one that is often heard during the holiday season. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, happy, give thanks, feel lucky because you aren’t in the hospital when many are or because you have more than another person or group of people and so many other things could go on that list. You know them all and probably have heard them all, not only during the holidays but at any time. Many holidays are also surrounded by the idea of sharing a meal with those we love and care about meaning family. Many family homes are not safe and involve people who have caused harm and pain. Food, though a very needed thing for survival, is often the enemy or the comforter for someone dealing with eating disorders.
While any or all of the above mentioned things are deemed to be good or positive there is a bad and sometimes dangerous side that comes with them during the holidays or in general. There was never a childhood Santa letter ever written by me that didn’t include “Please be good to the little girl and boys in the hospital” not because I understood what that meant but because it was a family “rule.” Having a disability has involved multiple stays in the hospital, none during the holidays. Having the constant year-after-year reminder to think about the hospital and those in there took away from the enjoyment of my holiday and experience of Santa Claus. I was never allowed to forget horrible and scary things and always was expected to never forget about those worse than myself leaving me feeling very undeserving of the simple joys of Christmas.
The internal screams to let the holidays be mine and allow me to enjoy them the way they were meant to be, went unnoticed and unheard. Looking through the photo album at a seemingly happy untouched and harmed three-year-old child, having my mother pointing out the toys that I had gotten, being asked if I had any memory of the year Santa was drunk and my toys were broken. Of course, I had no actual memory of the events but, sadly, as I got older I also had no reason to believe that it was being made up because I was still experiencing the results of my father’s drinking along with abuse from both of them. What I do remember from that time was the fear that I had within me for my own life and safety, even at that young age, because Santa aka my father wasn’t only breaking my toys but putting me in dangerous situations.
I was born disabled and as a result, I am unable to walk which puts me in a situation where I require the assistance of another person to get around by helping me into my wheelchair and into places or by carrying me when wheelchair access isn’t an available option. The one you depend on for this being under the influence of alcohol and choosing to also drive puts a person in danger that is not only scary but life-threatening without escape because of the disability. It also leaves a person with no choice but to accept what the situation is in the moment and hope for the best, especially as a child who doesn’t know or understand the dangers. I learned them much later as I got older. I know, I know, forgive and forget and quit dwelling on the negative, put on a happy face, and show up in the world like everything is OK.
It doesn’t do any good to forgive and forget because that which is forgiven requires the actions of the other person to change. Sometimes they can’t because they can’t see the danger or the harm in what they are doing. Speaking about unspeakable acts done to us is trying to process the experience not dwell on the past. Putting on a happy face when we are overwhelmed with many emotions and sensory stimuli around us and the pressure to act a certain way to belong and be part of a group increases the pain we are under and does nothing to reduce or relieve it which in turn causes a negative experience and the cycle starts all over again. Things aren’t always how they seem on the surface. Survivors need to feel safe, supported, and understood for what they have experienced before they can begin to take part in any holiday traditions or handle expectations placed on them during the holiday season and anytime. Illness whether or not they are physical or mental, not for any reason, just automatically shuts off but how other people handle those things around us can without a doubt shut us down. Before this can become a season to be happy or joyful and filled with positivity ‘Tis The Season to be and let be. It is about traditions, not conditions. People deserve joy and experience it in many ways not only the way someone approves of or accepts it as the right way of doing something.
Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.
