People with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) or living in other distress usually come from dysfunctional homes. These survivors have endured many traumas perpetrated by their family members, and after reaching adulthood, many of these grown children choose to have little to no contact with their family of origin.
This piece will introduce a new series ongoing no contact with its pros and cons, plus its consequences.
What is Meant by Going No Contact?
Going no contact means severing relations with your family members to end the emotional, psychological, and physical suffering the survivor has endured. For most, going no contact means having no communication or interaction with the toxic family.
Sometimes adult survivors choose to cut off only part of their family, meaning they might choose to go no contact with a parent but not with their siblings.
Other survivors who have gone no contact choose to do so until an ultimatum is met. Still, others choose to permanently sever their relations with their family with the intent of never looking back or even dreaming of reuniting because of the freedom they find in doing so.
There are many reasons survivors with or without CPTSD choose to go no contact with their family of origin.
- Lifelong abuse or neglect
- Continued dysfunction
- Betrayal
- Lack of respect
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Religious differences
- Political differences
- Criminal behavior
- Narcissistic behavior
- Refusal to apologize
- Disagreements on morality
- Overbearing and undermining behavior
- Playing favorites with adult siblings
- Ignoring your boundaries
- Financial disputes
- Criticizing, belittling, or ridiculing behaviors
Realistically, there are as many reasons for going no contact as people who choose to do it.
Going No Contact Because of Crossed Boundaries
Boundaries are essential constructs that define what we want and tell others how far they can go. Boundaries may include simple things like “don’t open my mail” to complex “don’t touch my body.”
Healthy boundaries determine what is appropriate in our relationships and keep both parties from harming the other. Also, setting healthy boundaries is critical for good self-care and positive experiences in a relationship.
The problem with weak or non-existent boundaries is that we don’t know where someone else ends, and we begin. Setting healthy boundaries involves one beginning to assert their needs and priorities.
Without appropriate boundaries, you can never hope to overcome the differences in your family of origin. However, what happens if you have set strong boundaries and your family keeps crossing and ignoring them?
Going no contact might be your only option.
The Pros and Cons of Going No Contact
There are many benefits to going no contact such as peace of mind and less stress, but there are also cons, such as feeling lonely or guilty. You must be ready to face both the pros and cons, understanding that both are life-altering. It is advantageous for you to research the pros and cons, so you will understand what you are about to do.
The benefit of ending a toxic relationship is that it is refreshing, and you may feel exhilarated. You can begin over again to rebuild your life based on what you want from life. Going no contact can be the best thing you have ever done.
The pros may also include the following:
- Peacefulness
- Feeling free
- You can finally heal
- You respect yourself more
- Your self-confidence increases
- You feel a sense of self-control and self-reliance
When speaking about the cons of going no-contact, it is vital to keep in mind that 76% of adult survivors claim that being no contact adversely affects their overall well-being.
Also, According to the Bowen Theory, people who use going no contact to escape or cope with their toxic family often subconsciously end up replicating their former relationships with their family to fill the hole left in their life. In other words, after going no contact, many survivors choose to get involved with people who remind them of their family of origin’s dynamics, thus going from the frying pan into the fire1.
Still, some survivors decide to end their no contact and make amends with their families, bringing enormous stress upon themselves and high dissatisfaction.
Going no contact may have the following effects:
- Grieving
- Feelings of guilt
- Feelings of remorse
- Backlash
- Feeling lonely
- Depression
- Anxiety
It is vital to be aware of these effects of going no contact.
You Might Be Criticized and Vilified
Perhaps the biggest problem is that when you go no-contact, you will often receive criticism from those who do not understand your situation. Even your friends may abandon you for “being so cold.”
Being abandoned or shunned by other family and friends when you are most vulnerable is lonely and a form of abuse. You receive hateful looks and gestures and withdraw because you feel hurt and lonely.
Of course, your family of origin will spread rumors of how awful you are for stopping talking to them. They may tell others that you are ungrateful and that they love you despite how “cruel” you have been to them.
Remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about because these people were traumatizing you every day you were with them. Lean into your newfound freedom and try not to allow how your family and friends speak of you to impact your healing.
That is harder than it sounds.
What You Need to Understand When Going No contact
There are some essential things to remember when you go no contact. For one, going no contact is not a cure for all your woes. If you decide to go no contact with your family, you must be prepared for all the ramifications.
Many years passed for you during the emotional abuse that caused enormous damage, and it may take years to heal from it entirely. No contact is not a quick fix, even though you will feel enormous relief because of your new empowerment and freedom.
However, the grieving process will begin once you face the reality of the situation. You will grieve for the childhood and relationship you never received from your family. It is painful to realize that your parents and perhaps other family members did not love you.
You must also remember that you will doubt your decision and question yourself every day. Going no contact creates inner conflict because going no contact is life-changing forever.
The bottom line, going no contact is painful, but you will eventually heal.
Ending Our Time Together
This article is the first in a four-part series of ongoing no-contact from your family of origin. It is meant to guide those considering leaving their family and those who have already done so.
Going no contact is not a decision one takes lightly; doing so requires thoughtful consideration, hopefully without your emotions guiding you. This may be a tall order since your family of origin has driven you to this decision.
If you do decide to go no contact, reach out to people who will not judge you but offer you support instead. Keep your chin up and remember you made this decision knowing the consequences, especially after reading this series.
“Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.”–Oscar Wilde
“Seek respect. Not attention. It lasts longer.” – Ziad K. Abdelnour.
References
- Titelman, P. (2014). Emotional cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives. Routledge.
My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.
This was very timely for me. I wrote an uplifting book about triumphing over a lifetime of trauma (including paternal childhood sexual abuse) under a pen name and tried to shield my family from it. My parents found out about it. Both of them (even though my mom had been aware of my flashbacks for over a decade) accused me of maliciously spreading lies, tried to turn the rest of my family against me, and basically disowned me. I’m feeling traumatized and abused all over again. My healing that came via writing my book has been my saving grace. Thank you for this article.
I hope you remain proud that you used your voice and stood up for yourself. You are hero in my eyes. Stay strong <3
Thank you for sharing your journey of healing.
“Being shunned by your family…is a form of abuse.” Wow, isn’t that exactly what you are encouraging people to do? By your definition isn’t “going no contact” a form of abuse?? I, for one, don’t feel that my family is disposable when things get tough. I have family members who have had drug and alcohol problems as well as other problems. I’ve stuck with them, told them I wouldn’t let them drag me down a bad path, but that I would be there if they chose a different path. …and they have risen above their problems and they have been welcomed with open arms. Treating your family like disposable trash is disgusting. Yes, there absolutely are situations in which it is warranted, but these should be the extreme cases that are unforgivable. Don’t expect your family to agree with everything you say. That, in and of itself is narcissistic. Expect to sit down and talk quietly, which requires empathy and patience. “Playing favorites” as a reason to “go no contact”? Really? Don’t most kids have a favorite parent? Well, most parents have a child who they relate to better. My parents did, and it wasn’t me. They supported me and cared for me anyway. Refusing to apologize? Does an apology make your problems go away? How about talking it out and learning to understand each other’s views instead? Oh, heck it’s all the rage now anyway. If you don’t get everything you want from a person just toss them away like garbage. Go “no contact”. Watch out for ” flying monkeys” dump those “narcissists”. You’ll take years, perhaps a lifetime, to get over it and meanwhile the psychologists will have plenty of business. Maybe if you have kids we’ll go the way of the British and allow kids to leave home and parents to kick their kids out when they turn 16. Then, when your son or daughter turns 16 you can decide to “go no contact ” with them because of their teenage narcissism. Just kick them right out and change your phone number!
For those who missed it, my rant was sarcasm. Keep those who you love close. Learn to talk things out. Don’t expect everyone to agree with you. Treat your family with respect when they disagree and understand that people need to be able to disagree and not hate each other. Anyway, maybe it might be a good idea to stop and think before you drink the cool-aid. This whole movement sickens me. It’s too pervasive. It’s being peddled by the medical community. I’ve seen doctors peddling vicodin, Valium, and once I listened to a psychologist talk about how they were counseling a schizophrenic. I asked them how much improvement the schizophrenic experienced in their condition. The answer was “none”. Why were you talking to a person whose brain is just not able to function?!!! I guess I’ve just lived a long life and seen so many great things, but so much damage being done too. For the love of God, please stop with the stupid fads!
Being shunned by family is a cruel, intentional act. Choosing to go no contact is painful. It’s not easy. It’s done mostly by folks trying to save themselves from mental illness due to unloving and unreasonable family members who have shown beyond a reasonable doubt that there is very little love or concern for them. Before you judge make sure that you have lived every single experience that’s making these people willing to let go of that every else enjoy. You have no right to judge until you’ve lived every single life that you dare judge. Not all families are willing to communicate, listen or change to end the dysfunction. You haven’t lived until you know that you know nothing.
Thank you Eva. I m going through a very difficult situation of a family member going no contact with one of their parents and it’s so painful to witness. It feels like a punishment, and it brings depression with it and oh,*so much pain*. My dad always taught me that love is the only way, love will win over anything. At the time I thought this was a very hippy and silly concept, but never did I see how true it is as much as I’m seeing it now, and I am so grateful for this wisdom. It seems there are lots of threads online on how the no-contact is empowering but all I see is sadness, broken families, and mental illness, and it makes me really very sad. Studies show that inability to forgive seems to be associated with depression. How is no-contact good for anything, I will never understand.
I’m sorry Eva, but when I read “paternal child sexual abuse”–if I’m getting this right–I would say that child, when they grow up, gets to do whatever they need to do to heal.
Yes. I was raised in a hellish fundamentalist Christian household with a narcissistic brother and a who adored and emulated her. I was chosen as the scapegoat and planned to never see myself reach the age of 20. At nineteen I met my wife and had children. I never dealt with issues that I never knew I had, silly me. I vowed my children would never be sexually abused as I was, that they would never be denied medical help, never be struck, never be called names and I honoured my commitment. I always worked and paid the bills, never touched drugs or alcohol. My children suddenly unannounced told me that they never wanted anything to do with me again. They refused to talk or have me explain (make exscuses) to them. I am an honest person to a fault and they called me a liar. They became the gaslighters that my parents and family had been. My wife and I live in solitude from them. When will this stupidity end?
On the other hand. Perhaps the family that decided to go no contact were given the advice to do so by an aunt who failed phsychology 101. Perhaps the same aunt told your wife that she was jealous of her and told me that some day (even before 2 of them were born) she would have your kids. Perhaps she spent 30 years working in the field councilling with no training for the government. Perhaps she is a known liar who a relative of hers has called a narcissist. Perhaps she knows how to control people, and definitely does not mind hurting people in order to feed her false sense of pride. It takes no effort to knock down blocks
Thank you so much for this article, Shirley. It’s 4:15am here in the UK and I haven’t slept because of yet another abusive, threatening message sent by my mother to one of my sisters – she and I both find ourselves on the receiving end of lifelong manipulation and, I am realising on a whole new level, abuse.
I studied Bowen’s family systems years ago as part of my counselling psychology diploma, so am very aware that ‘cut off’ is the most extreme response to relational anxiety. I wasn’t aware that 76% of people who go no contact say it has adversely affected their lives. I’ve had no contact with my mother since January, yet it has not freed me – I’ve felt very guilty, and aware of the trauma bond.
My mother’s life is incredibly sad. She has held my sisters and I and the rest of the world entirely responsible for how her life has turned out, as if she hasn’t been making choices all the way through it. I feel stuck, to be honest. To continue to have her in my life results in living in fight-flight-freeze-fawn, and to be in no contact evidently does the same.
I’m reading my way through the sleeplessness tonight and grateful I found this piece, because of how honest and realistic it is. Hard to read, but important to be aware that there is no simple solution.
I went no contact with my mother, but it only lasted a few days. I, too felt guilty due to the trauma bond. She was an abusive narcissist. I didn’t feel free from her influence until her death in 2011. Looking back, I can see how she ran my life, and I cringe. Getting free is so hard. I hope you find the solution you are looking for and I hope you will consider receiving professional help to handle what your mother is doing to you today. Shirley
Dear EB, I’ve just seen your comment here and feel a need to comment too. I’m in the UK too and I’m also going No Contact with family of origin and I’m also keeping myself awake til say 3.30am these days due to the horrid emotions I am processing because of choosing to go NO Contact this year onwards 2023.
I’ll try again tonight to fall asleep at a sensible time.
How are you, anyway? I hope you are alright and still managing to look after yourself OK these days.
From E in the UK.
I didn’t intentionally decide to go no contact with my family. It just happened organically when I stopped checking in. Our conversations were always superficial and seemed insincere because I only called them out of guilt. To avoid judgments, I said what I thought would please them. Afterward, the roleplay felt so dishonest, but at least it fulfilled my obligation. As I continue to ignore their calls and text messages, it exposes the lies I have lived. I have not been my true self. I have pretended to live up to their expectations. But my mind, soul, and body won’t allow me to live in deception anymore. My family will probably say I allowed myself to be deceived–by the devil and by others. They will certainly say that I am headed for hell fire and damnation. They are probably saying all this now behind my back. Yes, I am being selfish. But I can no longer pretend I am okay, not out of anger or revenge. As unbearable anxiety is triggered by past abandonment and abuse, I realize that my so-called buried past has been living inside all these years. Even more profound is the fear of revisiting painful childhood events. I am estranged from an emotionally abusive sibling and don’t reach out to others. Meanwhile my only son recently cut me off over setting strong boundaries with certain family members. Loneliness has set in. I struggle to make new friends and to sustain existing ones. Without constant attention, I feel inadequate and rejected. I withdraw into myself. I don’t know how to be in relationships, especially difficult ones, and not run away. I need constant reassurances that I matter. I have recently grown aware that my ongoing depression over the years was born out of feeling abandoned, neglected, and left unattended. Now I understand why it is so hard to love and to allow myself to be loved. At some point as a child, I accepted it as my way of life, and a belief which may never change. Whenever I’ve felt rejected and unloved, I’ve simply retreated to the sadness inside. On the other hand, long silences are killing me. Some days feel too close to the edge. But I want to leave you with this question: How does one manage the guilt of going no contact with family?
I’m the person who has tried no contact and then the guilt and backlash from other family members roped me back in. This time, I have gone no contact by completely blocking everyone and allowing them access to me from social media like instagram, which is very impersonal. I have a therapist and was told about unconventional grief. When we go no contact we are then grieving the relationship we had or the relationship we deserved and never got. I tried to pretend I was okay for decades. I was raised to do so. My mother was very cartoonish. She would act in front of extended family, friends and co-workers. Behind closed doors she was constantly yelling, belittling, dismissive and gaslighting. My father created a c0-dependent relationship with me during my childhood and since 17 I have continued to tried to get away from that relationship by attempting to change it. That worked for so long as I was his “little girl,” and accepted his conditions, otherwise I was disrespectful. I have not spoken to my siblings (they are a culprit of the disconnection and family trauma) or father since mid-June 2023. This is the longest I have gone and it is lonely. I manage my loneliness by doing things that make me happy and fill my time. I watch movies that I enjoy and I am currently writing my memoir. Going no contact is never something anyone wants to do but knowing we can’t control our families, or anyone except ourselves, going no contact is protecting ourselves, and that’s in our power and our right.
BUT HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY GO NO CONTACT????? NOTHING IN THIS ARTICLE TELLS YOU HOW TO MAKE PARENTS STAY OUT OF YOUR LIFE. CAN YOU CALL THE COPS? CAN YOU GO TO COURT? HOW DO YOU MAKE THEM RESPECT THE NO CONTACT? This article is worthless
If necessary, you can call the police and you CAN go to court. If your parents do not respect your decision to go no-contact at all, a restraining order may be needed. I’m not a lawyer or a therapist, I would suggest you consult both. Shirley
You get a ride to another place. Get a job there. Change your phone number. Change your email. Get off social media. Then you spend the rest of your time working and growing old alone. Your parents die. After a while you die. Alone. Enjoy. Or, you could try to work things out and learn to talk, listen, compromise, love. You won’t die alone. You might have a family. You choose.
Not all families of origin are safe enough to compromise with. Sometimes the only tool left is to go no contact.
I agree sometimes compromise is good but not if you endanger your mental and physical health. Find a family of choice to live your life with. That’s what this series is about
Dear stop judging unless you have lived every hurt these folks have. We don’t really know what goes on inside another’s heart. It’s very hard to let go of family. Most folks who choose that route do so to protect their mental health. No one wants to be alone. But if said family shows very little love or concern and are hurtful at the same time what do you suggest?
I get where you’re coming from here. It’s definitely not advisable to go no contact over every little thing. Apology, repair and forgiveness are crucial. Otherwise everyone would be on their own. However, it’s usually the person who chooses to go no contact that has been trying to reach compromise for years or even decades. It’s not an easy choice but when your boundaries are ignored for years, you’re emotionally abused for years, constantly villainized and disrespected, always being asked for compassion and understanding, but are never met with respect, compromise or any of the aforementioned compassion and understanding (because somehow it doesn’t t apply to them to do the same), you get tired of being in that pattern. So, as hard as it is, sometimes it’s the only option.
Dear Josh,
I can tell you how I did it.
It took several attempts. I made false starts. I fell into the Circle of Abuse in my mind and in life in that I burst into tears and phoned people to say we do all love each other don’t we. Then they say of course. Then they start to be aggressive with me personally all over again.
Then I listened to the same old same whining and accusations of me and I thought.. I don’t care any more. I just don’t care anymore. I couldn’t give a…
And that was it.
I, with help from a person I trust, blocked all their ways of reaching me except for the physical post.
It’s worked.
I think that after a year, I’ll feel even better.
I’m apparently going through grief now and I do have a great therapist who I found by looking at lots of therapists and trying them out.
There are loads of websites about this. I watch and listen to the Royal We, Dr Ramani, Jay something, I recommend that you consider having support information etc therapy etc from someone who you can relate to as in identity etc.
So, I choose
Female
English
Northern
Masters in psychology
Gentleness and other types of personality.
You may find a wise, mature person.
Keep informing yourself.
Keep learning.
Keep the income coming in.
Keep healthy.
Be selective as to who you mix with.
Lean on good people for a while.
Kind regards from Bess in the UK
Helpful article! Looks like it’s one of a series of four. How can I find the other three articles? Thanks.
Go to the blog and search for family estrangement and you’ll find many articles, including the other three, listed. Thank you for your comment, it means a lot to me. Shirley Davis
Again you don’t understand that most people who go no contact are being treated so badly by family that it’s a huge relief to not have any family. Stop blaming the victim. It’s a very tough decision to make and there’s a lot of pain and distress involved. I think we all need to start being more aware of how we treat each other to avoid these separations. By the time a person goes no contact relationships are usually badly damaged. Hopefully no one is just doing that frivolously. You can’t just speak for everyone and anyway we always die alone Life is a solitary journey. Every one wants to have loving caring family members who make life more rich. But not everyone is lucky enough to have that and that’s when one decide to leave. Sometimes it’s so hateful that one is fearful to even speak to anyone remotely connected to that family due to unfair gossips, blame and other insults all devised to make that one person feel less than. Every single day. It’s a highly abusive and evil environment where the person is used as necessary but is vilified every time he/ she tries to express any individuality. Again not every case is the same. But you’re lucky if you never had the need to run for your life.
Dear Shirley,
Thank you for writing such a helpful and informative article here on estrangement from the family of origin.
It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve seen my sister, who lives 20 minutes away, she no longer calls or responds to text and has no interest to get together for holidays or even a trip to the store like we used to do. She is a widow and a cancer survivor which I was there for every appointment and treatment until two years ago. She will send a card for the holidays and I heard from her five months ago on my birthday but it seemed very fake and she couldn’t wait to get off the phone when I asked her I would love to get together I heard her as she was hanging up on me say you have to go there we were very close would spend every other weekend together, and all of a sudden she stopped calling and had turned down every invite no matter what. I chalked it up to the pandemic but when I did get a chance to talk to her, she denied it and she told me she’ll let me know when it’s convenient to get together which is now going onto six months . she is a wonderful person, but always had low self-esteem, and after her husband died, I would say she had a new freedom to do whatever she wanted without someone putting her down or questioning what she does, so I tried to tell myself that alienating herself from us there is no stress in her life and no one has to worry about her she once told me to stop asking her if she was OK after her husband died living alone and told me if she dropped dead in the house I’d be notified sooner or later my brother and my two cousins who are only family left just tell me to stop trying to contact her. I find it very hard. I’ve asked her many times just let me know what’s going on, so I understand and I will move on. What should I do?
Our precious most loved daughter has gone no contact saying we ’emotionally abused her’ I was apparently too cross when she took my hair brush (I had one she had approximately 40). I did not buy her a shirt she wanted, yet her formal dress was more expensive than my wedding dress. Her 18th birthday present was an Oroton Bag, I don’t have one and we did not have the money to buy it, yet we found the money because we adored her so much. I cannot tell you how loved this child is and how broken we both are. We did have a very difficult time with extended family during her secondary schooling and I always felt that would be a bond that held us close. Instead she has added this immeasurable pain. We have offered to pay for mediation and she would not hear of it, she does not want the relationship fixed and I believe that is because it doesn’t suit this fashionable narrative clearly promoted on social media and destructive medical practitioners not doing a rounded and professional approach. They need to question the reality, what is normal, what is reasonable family conflict, and provide rational advice rather than extremism harmful behaviour.