Living with the effects of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is challenging. Survivors who have CPTSD should not have to deal with harmful family members.

Going no contact is a choice that few survivors choose. Going no contact is painful and changes one’s life forever.

In this article, we will continue discussing going no contact and explore the topic more deeply.

The Reasons People Choose to Go No Contact

When speaking of going no contact, it would seem one could simply list some common reasons people do so. However, the primary reasons are disagreement over value systems, personality disputes, and family roles.

Yet, there are as many reasons as there are personalities involved in a family of origin. Below is a list of some of the most common reasons people go no contact with their families of origin.

• Lifelong neglect or abuse
• Betrayal
• Having no respect
• The family is dysfunctional
• Lack of respect
• Religious differences
• Political differences
• Drug or alcohol abuse in the home
• Moral disagreements
• Reckless or dangerous behavior of family members
• Narcissistic behavior
• Refusal to apologize for past wrongs
• Ignoring your boundaries
• Criticizing or ridiculing

Sometimes children choose to go no contact with their parents temporarily, giving their parents ultimatums they must fulfill, while others end their relationships with their parents permanently.

How Do You Go No Contact?

Having no contact with your family of origin or some of your immediate family members isn’t easy. It is difficult to find a starting point. Below is a list of tips for going no contact. Choose the ones that are right for you and your circumstances.

• Block the family from all your social media accounts, so you do not need to see or hear from them.
• Block any telephone numbers associated with them.
• Block the social media accounts of people who can inform your family of what you are doing.
• Add security, such as a two-step authentication, to your online bank accounts to prevent hacking into your business.

Don’t forget to form new friends or keep up with old ones, as you will need support. Not everyone will need to block innocent family members or must worry about being hacked or stalked, but if you are worried, take precautions.

Also, don’t forget that you will most likely be criticized and vilified when you choose to go no contact. You may hear that your parents are saying they are hurt or that you are a terrible child after all they’ve done for you. The people they talk about you might be fooled because traditionally, parents, especially mothers, are seen as caring and nurturing in our society.

Sometimes, children who go no contact are seen by outsiders as cruel, ungrateful, and cold. It is vital to remember that you have the right to divorce such parents because this, too, is abuse.

Going Low Contact vs. No Contact

 There is another choice you can make when dealing with abusive families of origin, going low contact. Low contact means you do not have communication with your family of origin except on holidays or emergencies or other instances when you know you will likely not be met by abuse.

However, remember that you have the right to leave at any time during the holiday celebration or emergency if your family begins to try and make you feel guilty or otherwise abuses you. It is also critical that you not go to your family alone as your family will be less likely to misbehave.

When having limited time with your family of origin, it is critical to make your boundaries known and not allow your folks to cross them. Below are a few boundaries that are critical when dealing with a narcissistic parent.

Be kind yet firm. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean one needs to be insensitive; indeed, it is sometimes more effective to use kindness when building boundaries with family members. Becoming angry will complicate things and make them lash out at you, but kindness leads to a better likelihood that all will remain calm during the exchange.

Be realistic about your expectations. If you go to a family function expecting them to have changed their opinion or treatment of you, you most likely will be disappointed. Be realistic about how much time you can tolerate your family, and do not stay longer than you plan. If you do decide to remain, use the bathroom as a quiet place to recoup when dealing with your family. Above all else, remember that you have the right to leave at any time.

Be direct when speaking to your family. Dropping hints and becoming passive-aggressive with your family about the boundaries you just built with them will not help. Indeed, doing so will make matters worse. Tell your family directly what you will tolerate from them and what you will not. Make sure they know your boundaries; if they deliberately cross them, it is time to consider leaving.

Rules for No Contact

Like anything else, there must be rules to going no contact that you must set for yourself and your family. Rules like:

• No tagging each other on social media sites
• No text messages, no private messages
• No snail mail

There are more rules you might consider, as many as you need to feel disconnected from and stop the abuse.

Some people experience their families trying to get into their accounts to keep track of them. Someone hacking into your accounts without your permission is illegal, but the easiest thing to do is change all your passwords to something they will never guess.

One rule that is critical for you to understand is the difference between telling your family you are going no contact versus disappearing. Remember, the whole process of going no contact is to help you, but disappearing from your family of origin without an explanation will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Ending Our Time Together

Going no contact is a difficult thing to do. One must first consider that they will experience the five stages of grief even though their family has driven them to leave them.

If your family of origin tries to contact you, do not forget you don’t need to answer them. You are not being cruel; you are doing good self-care.

The inevitable guilt will come into your life after going no contact. It is vital to remember that your family treated you despicably, or you would not have found it necessary to avoid them. You have the right to happiness and peace in your life. Keep that in mind as well as what they have done to you. While that might not stop the guilt, it will give you a tool to use to combat it.

We will discuss guilt and grief further in part three of this series on going no contact.

“I no longer look to my abusers with any expectation– of remorse, or apology or restitution or restoration or relationship. I’m at peace, accepting that they won’t and can’t help me out of the mess they created. But I’m the best qualified for that job anyway, and I’m happy with the job I’m doing.”
― Christina Enevoldsen

“I found peace of mind when I walked away from small fights not worth fighting. I stopped fighting for people who gossiped about me. I stopped fighting for those who didn’t respect me. I quit worrying about those who wouldn’t value me for being me.”
― Dana Arcuri

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Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.