TRIGGER WARNING: This blog discusses sexual abuse
2022 was chock-full of 20-year anniversaries for me. I was diagnosed with PTSD 20 years ago. Several terrifying events happened 20 years ago. And I began experiencing dissociative amnesia 20 years ago. Thankfully, all that dissipated within about 2 years. The PTSD was the result of child sexual abuse.
I was on a bit of edge last year, expecting the anniversary effect to trigger my brain into becoming a broken record again. It didn’t happen, perhaps because my awareness of the effect helped keep a relapse at bay.
The length of time that has elapsed has made me more confident to put pen to paper and write about the experiences without worrying about a relapse. In particular, I’ve been trying to describe what dissociation or dissociative amnesia feels like. I dipped my big toe into that water in this article here on the CPTSD blog.
What does dissociation feel like? Can it have a feeling? Perhaps I had feelings during the episode, but once out of the episode, how do I know what I don’t remember?
In my experience, dissociative amnesia is a complete blackout of events. It has a start and a stop. It is different from forgetting where you put your car keys. In that situation, you typically can backtrack your steps: I was in the kitchen, but before that, I was in my bedroom. Before that, I was driving the car into the garage…and so on.
Instead, I have a black hole in my memory.
A black hole is a region in space where the gravitational pull is so strong that nothing, not even light, can escape from it. It is created when a massive star dies, and its core collapses in on itself under the force of its gravity. This results in a point of infinite density called a singularity, surrounded by an event horizon beyond which nothing can escape.
This is such a perfect metaphor for me. When I was sexually abused at 9 years of age, my inner star died, and the core collapsed in on itself under its own force. Now that point of infinite density in my memory is surrounded by the event horizon, and no memory within the black hole can escape.
What’s worse is that anything that may significantly remind me of the sexual abuse can get sucked into the black hole never to escape.
However, I have experienced the escape of some memories from that black hole
However, I have experienced the escape of some memories from that black hole. They come trailing clouds of terror from a prison house that has closed upon me. (Sorry, Wordsworth!)
That terror, that speechless dread, that fearsome horror is exactly why my brain tries to protect me from those memories. I suppose a therapist would say, “Good, now you can integrate those memories into your daily consciousness and live a better life.” But let’s be real. That’s not what happens. I can live with the conscious memories, but I can never go back to how I would have been if the child sexual abuse had not occurred.
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Wendy Hoke is the author of The Bishop’s Cross: A Journey to the Truth and co-author of The Church of Gomorrah: When Sexual Abusers Remain in the Church. Her grandfather was a pedophile who preyed on little girls in his own family. The Bishop’s Cross looks into the family dynamics that enable a child molester to continue unabated.
She has been successfully writing for others for many years, first in the financial industry and now as a content curator and ghost blogger. She has finally put pen to paper to tell her own story. You can contact her directly through her website, wendyhoke.com.
Thanks for sharing, Wendy. I know how you feel.
Thank you for the comment, Nelea, Best wishes to you.
Wendy
I suppose a therapist would say, “Good, now you can integrate those memories into your daily consciousness and live a better life.” But let’s be real. That’s not what happens. I can live with the conscious memories, but I can never go back to how I would have been if the child sexual abuse had not occurred.
…and you can never go back to what would have been if the child sexual assault or any other adversity experienced, did not occur… that is true. What you can do when there is enough support in your life is create the life you want to lead whether you choose to integrate/accept, have compassion for the wounded aspects of self, or how you use your adversities to create for yourself better outcomes.
Do you stay victimized by the past and the injustices, because now you are doing this to yourself, or do you take responsibility for your life and create what you want?..doing no harm to self or other.
Suzanne,
Thank you for the comment, Rest assured, I have built a nice life despite the sexual abuse. I am not staying victimized, and honestly, I don’t understand how you could interpret that from what I wrote. This blog is a place for me to muse. In fact, I reject the word “victim,” and you will find that to be true here at this blog post: https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/04/28/compassion-and-empathy-in-the-age-of-ai/
Best, Wendy
It’s absolutely amazing what our child self’s mind can do to protect us from these horrific acts. I have huge gaps in my memory from 4 to 15 years old. And I also get pieces here and there but that’s all. Thank you for writing this, it helps knowing others understand. Also, the black hole analogy is spot on!
Thank for writing this Wendy. Your analogy of the black hole reference is dead on. I can remember aspects of my bad experiences but I do know I visit that place and I get stuck and it stops me from enjoying my self.