I am beginning to think of the emotions being raised within me, as a basic rejection, attachment, bonding problems, a disconnectedness to humanity issue

I am beginning to think of the emotions being raised within me, as a basic rejection, attachment, bonding problems, a disconnectedness to humanity issue. An all-consuming sense of spiritual abandonment. I experience deep psychic episodes of Toxic Shame that consume me, forcing me into hiding and isolation. As an infant and as a child, the main nutrient our soul needs is love. If it is absent, if it is faked, the child knows, deep in his or her gut, at the core of their being, the lack of authentic love rings an existential siren, of a deep trauma experienced; Something is wrong with me. I don’t feel the love, so ‘I’ must be flawed… TOXIC SHAME! Abandonment, neglect, and seeing fury in your mother’s eyes is a massive trauma. Add to this physical abuse, sexual abuse, and all the abuses a child might have to endure.

Apathy

In a repetitious condition of abuse, we shut down, go within, and hide. We cannot go outward and express our inner trauma; the emotion-backed experiences are buried, (thank you nature) but they start to fester. A child may have nowhere to run to for comfort, and no one to turn to. Here in begins Complex-PTSD. A false picture of our childhood is created, as a defensive form of survival (our abuser becomes almost deified in our eyes… thus I AM BAD). The emotions arise and block out my ability to think, as my brain stops processing. Completely consumed now with “coping” from the inner assault; dissociation, amnesia, hypervigilance, chronic anxiety, phobias, magical thinking, black and white thinking, nightmares, seeking rescuers in life rather than friends, walled off, disconnected from others, a false front (self) put forth to the world; apathy-a sense of being numb may set in (can’t feel our emotions)… our empathy shattered. We do not know how we feel, thus we do not know who we are either. I can no longer TRUST my caretaker or the world around me. I have deep trust issues with people. How do we rescue ourselves from Complex PTSD?

It is never too late to try to become who you were meant to be

As a child you cannot go outward with your pain and struggles, it might offend the one you are so terrified of, and there may be no one else. As an adult, you must go outward, take a risk, and come to express what had to be so deeply hidden as a vulnerable child (not everyone is like our abusers!) My life felt hopeless. As a child I was completely unreachable, so smothered in the traumas that consumed me. I was so locked in this prison I had devised to protect myself from coming to know who I was. Deep inside I thought something was permanently ‘unacceptably’ wrong with ME… I could trust no one! But something was wrong in my childhood environment; it was something outside of ME. It is never too late to try to become who you were meant to be.

Look for a therapist that knows of, or specializes in, Complex PTSD. Many therapists have not been trained in this modern-day view of this psychological problem. Far too many therapists focus on traditional therapies, that so often have little impact on the condition of C-PTSD. As I am coming to see, we must voice our problems; one must weep and weep and weep… over long periods, perhaps even years, and this can only happen if we can break through the numbness that so desperately defends against seeing and feeling. We must ‘emotionally expel’ the psychic pain from its place of radiance, and influence on our life. Bring forth what is unconscious outside into the light of self-awareness. To weep… it is beyond crying; It is like breaking up a boulder blocking our path that frees us to pass and continue forward with our life, enabling us to grow. Until that bolder is broken down into manageable pieces we cannot move past its presence. It is alive… DEEP weeping is the magic bullet to our burdens, freeing up and breaking down the living energy, expulsing it out of ourselves. Weeping is nature’s magic. You cannot weep through your pain if hiding is still in progress. You cannot find your pain if the feelings are locked TIGHT in a shuttered room, believe me, I know. Weeping is the living emotional response to a living emotional trauma… and that is a big part of the magic of it all. Also, we must strive toward changing to clearer positive thinking on the journey to breaking the cycle of alienation.

We must find the eyes of a never-known acceptance and understanding of who we are

In communion with an empathetic therapist, the story of our inner emotional chaos must be shared and exposed. We must find the eyes of a never-known acceptance and understanding of who we are. We must break the chains of the distrust that sustains and permeates our inner world. “We need to be reparented in our life, showing us how to take the baton and reparent ourselves.” A bond, a new experience of finding and coming to know love in our life through the eyes of an empathetic, knowledgeable person. From this trust restored, from this love found for another living person, that same love must grow within us. Our broadening, changing inner self, must take on the wings of now living an inner state of self-love. Find and read my poem titled “Come to Love.” Discover self-love and you’ve stumbled across the path to healing the world. “Come to Love” is the first writing in my book “Finding My Gift.”

It does not matter how smart you are…  and how smart you may think you are may well be the question and the answer this brief paper is about. Meaning, to be consumed in the ‘intellectual’ may well be the barrier to finding and feeling the emotions that torment you. Learn to come to feel, far, far more so than to think.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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Jesse Donahue

**  Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.

My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 50+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.

My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings were initially geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only. I began by exposing my thoughts and feelings on paper. Then, via personal choice, shared them here with the readers. My essays develop from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and see a therapist if you are able to. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. It can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried energy that we are not able to directly confront. Hopefully, my insights will assist the reader in a faster process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.

My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: *The Hidden Bugaboo. The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift.