Trigger Warning: Please be kind to yourself as you read.


In the Beganning…

There was darkness and I was blind, oblivious to the truth, and indeed conditioned to be how I was. Until that day when I came to see, no, to feel, to know, there was a new way forward and not just for me, but for humankind (a higher state of consciousness). The beganning, as it were, not as it was, but a new way of becoming, as it shall be, as it is forever more. “Life as we know it, often is not known at all.”

Yet now I hear the screams in the darkness, and I see visions pushing forth in my dreams

“Let there be light,” a statement proclaimed to be from the arena of a living deity, yet simply a descriptive metaphor of an event, an awakening, the dawning of our existence. Yet now I hear the screams in the darkness, and I see visions pushing forth in my dreams, answers to a lifelong struggle I have known that has been a desperate part of me. A part standing alone, mournfully not understanding the basic question of why. Why am I here? Why do I breathe, and why do I suffer so as I do? And, indeed, why me? This I proclaim for me now is a new beginning, the dawning of a new understanding. Mark the date, place, and time on the calendar of remembrance.

I have endured the screaming, the beatings, and the indignant injustices from a caretaker who needed obedience to her expectations, and an authoritarian character structure. For her own sake, for my sake, yet for heaven’s sake, at the same time lacked the basic formula of knowing how to cope. How to cope with something not working, behavior that was out of place or inappropriate to her needed flow of things. Things needed to be working, functional, tidy, indeed, her perception of normal. What was lacking in my life, all my life from most all that I encountered, understanding. People need continuity, a calm smoothness of behavior from themselves and others. And most especially they need answers in a desperately misunderstood world where we all find ourselves.

The screaming, though unbeknown to the person raging in the moment just how damaging and abusive that behavior is, perhaps the intent is a good one. “I want to see you ‘fit’ my vision of functioning in this life, and as I see it, for your own good you must change how you do things and “are” to meet my expectations. Please, I am just trying to make you see what is best for you. When I hit you, scream at you, belittle you, it is all an attempt to make you the successful person I want you to be, understand?

Seriously? Well, no. NO, I DO NOT understand, and neither do you. This is where the new beganning comes into play. At least we have common ground in that thought; we both do not understand each other, perhaps not ourselves either. Why do I not behave how you want? Why are you not listening, and seeing me, rather than forcing me to ‘fit’ your expectations of how you want, think, and feel I need to behave or be? – “Do you even see me at all?”

I am how I am, and I am struggling within my quiet world trying to figure out just exactly who that is. You are not making my struggle easier by hitting and screaming at me for not being who you want me to be. Please try to UNDERSTAND me. I am me, and I distinctly am not you. Let us begin with a fresh start to our lives together. It is all new, the past is over. Our new chance is here and now. Here and now, efforts toward coming to know me, and me you, will take the place of the screams, the hitting, and the ‘desperate’ punishment for my behaving in a way that you simply do not accept. Kneel to your child and ask them, “Honey, I don’t understand; what do you need?” The child needs your arms around them rather than you screaming at them! Did you ever think of that? Much, much, so much more… LOVE. In some ways, that is all. In a world of not knowing the answers, it is love that fixes it all; just simply, love. Love is home, and if there is no love then home is prison.

“Please stop the screaming and love me!” Here and now, stop the trauma put upon your child in the name of “I DON’T UNDERSTAND.” Reach out and try to understand, but just admit it, you do not understand. A new beganning for all of us. Something new… trying to understand. A new state of consciousness, a new beginning here and now in the present moment. It all began in the present moment; we are simply back to square one again, the present moment. Each moment of life is a chance to start anew if we just start trying. As an adult, if you see no way out, then please reach out for help. Just admit you do not know why you hit and scream but stop hurting your children. Never again! Please, no more, never again. I am the universal child in life, calling upon all parents to heed these words… just love me more. Seek help… please.

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Jesse Donahue

**  Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.

• My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 70+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.

My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.

My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: The Hidden Bugaboo (*recommended). The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday. The Man Who Lives Under the Bridge. Living in the Dis-World. SPECTRUM.