“Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy.” –The Velveteen Rabbit
Is the Conventional Idea of a Real Adult Accurate?
What does being a real adult mean? Most people would probably say being an adult is being able to take care of yourself: meeting your own needs, doing things independently, and solving problems yourself. Indeed, we expect all of these things from adults. So why do some of us still walk around feeling like we’re not real adults?
Being a real adult is more than the practical of being able to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself or solve problems independently.
A real adult has four characteristics:
1) emotional regulation
2) self-compassion
3) clear boundaries with themselves and others
4) sense of self-worth/feeling good enough
Cultivating these characteristics in yourself takes time and patience. Go slow without the expectation of perfection.
Self-Worth and The Velveteen Rabbit
Self-worth is a belief that you have value just as you are and that you’re worthy of love and belonging.
In the story of The Velveteen Rabbit, he longs to become real. Being filled with stuffing instead of sinew, muscle, and bones made the Velveteen Rabbit feel unworthy of being loved and accepted. He thought he had to exist in a certain way, in a certain form, to matter, to the other toys and especially to the Boy.
In childhood, I got the message that I wasn’t good enough as I was. Even well into adulthood with achievements and independence, I was still a shabby tattered stuffed bunny trying to be as good as a real rabbit.
Having multiple degrees, living independently, and solving most issues on my own did not make me feel like a real adult. I struggled a lot to emotionally regulate, I gave up my boundaries to please others, and I didn’t feel like I mattered. I felt stuck at the age I was when I experienced trauma. It was embarrassing, and I tried my best to hide it.
Childhood trauma robs us of a sense of self-worth
We don’t believe we’re good enough as we are and constantly search externally for what or who will make us feel good enough. Not feeling good enough results in deep shame for our very existence. Childhood trauma survivors will hide their imperfections like their lives depend on it because they think it does. Being loved is conditional on being good enough. Even in adulthood, the trauma in the distant past, our brains, if we’re not conscious of it, still operate like we’re the scared, helpless child, scrambling to be good enough.
How to Begin Building Self-Worth And Feeling Like a Real Adult
How do you start to feel like you’re worth something? To yourself? To anyone else? Building a sense of self-worth sounds daunting! But it doesn’t have to be. First, don’t think of it as a task you need to complete to not hurt anymore or to feel like a real adult. Doing this work is being a real adult.
Start exploring these ideas, perhaps in a journal:
1) What does it mean to me to be a real adult?
2) What are my metrics for being good enough?
3) What would my life look like if I were good enough? For me? For others?
4) What’s one small way to start making myself feel good enough? Perhaps a smile in the mirror every morning. A letter to your younger self the first time you remember feeling not good enough. Whatever feels doable and safe for you.
Be gentle with yourself. Building self-worth doesn’t happen overnight and is not linear. You are good enough now. As you are. As you were then.
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Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach. Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.” She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.
I love this framing — thoughtful & insightful!
Leah, beautifully and thoughtfully written, and on point.
Introspection can help you grow! Well put!
Thanks for writing this article! I am 55 years old and have rarely ever felt like an adult, and I have always wondered why. I didn’t know until a few years ago that it’s because of childhood trauma and that there are other people who feel the exact same way. Your article and the idea about building self-worth helps.
Healing happens when we discover we aren’t alone in how we feel or when someone validates how we feel. So good to hear that this article helps, Amy.