My name is Elizabeth and I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and unspeakable trauma. My family was anything but kind to me when I grew up, and, in that environment, it was hard to thrive emotionally and mentally. What I have learned from simply surviving is that there is always a choice. We, as survivors, could simply take the abuse and let it slowly consume us mentally and physically, or we can fight back. There is life after abuse, and it can be awesome if you welcome it.
As a very young child, I remember having a profound epiphany, when I decided that my abusers were not going to break me. I looked up at the night sky through the confines of my imprisonment in my abuser’s dark apartment. I was hurting and alone, and I saw a twinkling star that appeared to be moving across the night sky in a fast trajectory. It seemed to twinkle right at me, and, in that moment, I knew that my life would change for the better one day. I was going to make it out alive and move far away from everyone. In the years after that moment, I started silently to challenge and rebel against every abusive act. I told myself over and over that my family was not normal and that I would never be like them. Ten years later, I realized that dream and left. I haven’t looked back since.
It was a little like being given CPR and coming back to life
I started my life again. It was a little like being given CPR and coming back to life as I slowly started picking up the pieces of my young soul. My heart was beating strong and sure in my chest. My breathing was no longer labored and each breath was cleansing and free. I was on the journey to find my true self, as every step I took was for me and not for anyone else. I started by smiling more because a simple smile was something I was never given easily. That was the first thing I changed. I smiled at people even when I was struggling myself, and a simple smile gave me nods and kind reactions from people I came across. I started to volunteer at a community center, and my presence made a big difference to the people that I met. I talked to a lot of people who frequented the center and listened to stories from all walks of life. I took the time to sit and listen to people’s stories over a cup of coffee and peach cobbler that one of the volunteers had made. Each day was a different type of cobbler and, with it, came a new story. I listened and I laughed and cried with the people that I met. I was just a volunteer, but my listening helped a lot of people back then. Those people made me a better person because I learned that slowing down and listening to others helped them, and, by helping them, I felt better, too.
Years later, I have realized the power of having someone listen. I mean, really listen. It is so important especially now in our fast-paced, technology-laden society. Our needs as human beings have not changed just because we have the internet. We are still social creatures and we need people in our lives.
A few years ago, I spotted an elderly woman lying awkwardly in her front yard. I stopped and entered her yard as she cried out in pain. She had fallen and broken her wrist, and she couldn’t get back up again. She told me that she had been there for hours and people had kept on ignoring her even though she had shouted for help. I got my cell phone and called 911 and got the woman some help. The paramedics were on the way, but I decided that I wasn’t going to leave an elderly woman bleeding and in pain. I sat down on the ground next to her, took her hand that was not hurt, and talked to her with a gentle smile. I made sure she was as cool and comfortable as possible by adjusting her clothes so that her skin was out of the blazing sun. She told me about the plants that she had been trying to weed in her yard. She then told me that she was all alone in the world, that she had nobody. In the time it took the paramedics to arrive, I got most of her life story.
Our needs as human beings have not changed just because we have the internet. We are still social creatures and we need people in our lives
I have an elderly neighbor, who is a widow. I gave her our number so she can call us if she needs help as she has a complicated history with her own family. Her grandson knocked on our door this week and asked me for help. He told me his grandma couldn’t breathe and he had called an ambulance. He is in his mid-twenties and was off to play baseball rather than sit with his sick grandma. I shot out my front door and ran into her house and found the elderly woman sitting on the edge of her armchair gasping for breath. Her eyes looked at me in panic, so I grabbed her hand, smiled, and told her that she was going to be okay and that she was not alone. I got her oxygen mask on and talked to her. I breathed with her when she was about to give up because it hurt too much to breathe. The paramedics arrived and hooked her up to beeping machines. They stabilized her quickly and took her to the ER. As they took her away, she raised her hand in a “thank you” gesture. I didn’t do much, but what I did do in that fragile moment meant so much to her. She is going to make it, which makes me feel good as well. I did the right thing when she was ready to give up.
I would like you, my readers, to think about your lives and be grateful for every moment. If you are a survivor like me then you know how bad things can be. A small act of kindness can mean so much to someone. It can be as simple as offering a smile or giving up your time to sit with someone and listen. It can be holding someone’s hand in solidarity.
You are not alone and your life matters. Go out there and hold your head up high. You are a survivor and how you act and behave around people can matter a lot more than you think. Open your eyes and look at the world. What do you see? There is so much hurt out there, but each of us can make a difference starting right now, with one small act of kindness. Even if you are having a bad day, smile as if you are having the best day. Try to change that negative mindset into a positive one! Today could be not just great but fantastic!
There is a poem I came across in my early twenties by a British poet called Spike Milligan. He wrote a poem called “Smile.” A simple smile can go a very long way. I think we should try and inject some positivity into our negative world. Go out there and give it your best shot. Give the world your smile and notice what happens when you do.
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Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. She suffered sexual abuse throughout her childhood and witnessed unspeakable events. Elizabeth survived in an environment where most people would not. She is now able to help other survivors heal from trauma through her writing and blogs. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. There is always hope.
Elizabeth is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Offenders-Daughter-Story-Survival-Against-ebook/dp/B0BBSV97VF/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=0pSdX&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_p=cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_r=134-9913214-5397651&pd_rd_wg=MPpMc&pd_rd_r=d375a758-2d9b-4c6e-9aee-52c1f5a4e6f7&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk
Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith” available here:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQRNST2B?binding=kindle_edition&qid=1711883073&sr=8-2&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tkin
Yes. Smiling makes a difference. One can only assume, then, that those who show no facial emotions lack the internal warmth and need for empathic connections that such an act would provide.
They would be wrong.
Please know, that as we gaze upon faces and facial expressions, there are people that cannot produce that warm smile – not out of coldness or disinterest, but out of pure FACIAL PARALYSIS.
I am one of those people.
I’ve come to CPTSD foundation because I, like too many others, live with the detritus of pain from earlier years. And much of that pain revolves around the disconnect given me by those who saw a frozen or rigid facial expression as weird or worthy of “othering”.
Please do not assume that humanity’s warmth is tied up in a smile alone, for there are people in your communities whose hearts glow warm inside with empathy, but whose faces belie their felt sense.
If you don’t see a smile, don’t stop there and assume… Try looking within. Realize that we all have differences – not only in skin color or language or gender identities but also in how we look, how we move, how we speak…
Please include us all in your circles of warmth. Know that even smiling, just like seeing, hearing and walking… varies. Find the people within.