Domestic Abuse: What Stops Victims from Leaving?

“What stops victims from leaving?”

It used to be called “domestic violence,” when, in fact, abuse isn’t always violent. Before any types of violent abuse occur, there have been months, if not years, of more subtle, but as destructive, forms of abuse:

• Verbal abuse: Insulting, shouting at, and threatening partner for the smallest reasons. Uncontrollable bouts of anger. Victims feel uneasy and unsafe. 
• Emotional Abuse: controlling and manipulating partner by gaslighting, lying, threatening, or by giving silent treatment; as well as switching from loving to distant/ unavailable regularly, isolating the partner from loved ones.
• Financial abuse: stopping a partner from getting a job. Withholding partner financial help and stopping access to bank accounts, forcing the partner into prostitution/ trafficking. 
• Neglect: Not caring for an ill or disabled partner. Not seeking medical care. Not giving emotional support and meeting the needs of the partner.

Sexual abuse, rape and sexual abuse aren’t always violent either. If there aren’t any physical signs of struggle or “defensive marks” on a victim, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, nor does it prove the victim consented to the act.

Domestic Abuse: The latest statistics.

The Office for National Statistics blog page reads: “From the new questions, we estimate that, for the survey year ending March 2024, 8.0% of people aged 16 years and over experienced domestic abuse in the last year (equivalent to 3.9 million people). When breaking the figures down by sex, we estimate 9.5% of women (2.3 million) and 6.5% of men (1.5 million) have experienced domestic abuse in the last year.”

In the patriarchal society we live in, women are most at risk of domestic abuse; however, all genders suffer when no one should be victims of abuse. All have the right to live safely and peacefully. Figures don’t truly give the real picture and don’t convey the suffering that victims and survivors go through.

What stops victims of domestic abuse from leaving?

• “Didn’t they see the red flags?” 

They probably didn’t, and not for lack of intelligence: perpetrators groom victims. Grooming can take the form of “love bombing” and of only showing their sweet, romantic side, saying everything the other person wants to hear. Groomers are often very good at making their partner relaxed and trusting while detecting someone’s fears, worries, and vulnerability. Perpetrators also groom their partners’ friends, children, and family. They lie and manipulate police officers and judges against their victims.

• “Why bring it up now? Or if it is true, why wait so long to speak up?”

There are many reasons why a victim/ survivor doesn’t speak up straight away: for adult survivors of child abuse, some forget the abuse. Forgetting isn’t something they control: the mind does that in times of extreme distress, to survive. What can a small child do against an adult anyway? Victims are often threatened: “If you say anything about this, I will kill you/ your kids/your pet…” Some survivors have actually spoken out and reached out to the police or other people in authority, only to be further abused or for their cases to be pushed aside.

• “Why didn’t they say NO or just leave?”

 Another survival skill is “Freeze”. It is when a victim is paralyzed with fear, knowing that rebelling means more pain or even death. At other times, the freeze response is automatic, and victims feel shame, or are shamed, for not fighting back or for not saying “Stop”, for letting it happen. Many scream NO, and the perpetrator doesn’t stop. Is it as simple as that?

• “Don’t you think they are doing this for attention? for money?”

Society views victims as weak, vulnerable, and somehow responsible for the abuse they’ve experienced. IF cases involved “powerful” figures, such as Donald Trump, Jimmy Savile or Huw Edwards, these individuals are always protected by the institution for which they work, and by other powerful friends. Some victims did speak out, went to the Police to report, but they weren’t believed. The last resort is to go to newspapers, but by telling their stories, they are then accused by the public of seeking fame and fortune.

We often hear of financial settlements, but those are a way for the perpetrators not to go on trial. If there were more solicitors willing to go pro bono or if the justice system weren’t so financially out of reach for many victims, there would be fewer settlements and more offenders convicted. 

The Domestic Abuse Commissioner’s latest report, Shifting The Scales –  Transforming the criminal justice response to domestic abuse,  identifies 3 barriers blocking the way for victims and survivors from speaking out and reporting their ordeals.

1.  “Victims and survivors do not identify with terminology around domestic abuse.”  

 A lot of people still believe that if a partner isn’t physically abusive, they aren’t covered in bruises, it isn’t that bad. It isn’t domestic violence. Or victims are being turned away from police stations because there are no signs of violence

2.   “Police have lost the trust of victims and survivors”: 

In recent years stories of police officers killing, raping women, such as Wayne Couzens, as well as the MET lack of care and cover-ups, have seriously damaged what little trust the public held towards them. Police Perpetrated Domestic Abuse is a real issue and needs to be dealt with on every level.

3.  “Victims and survivors have had their  own – or have witnessed others’ – negative  experiences of the criminal justice system”: 

Too many victims are further traumatised and shamed during police interviews and by the criminal justice system. For instance, while being cross-examined in court, victims are often treated as if they are criminals or liars for bringing perpetrators into court. Not enough cases go to trial. Not enough trials bring justice to victims. The report shows that, by the end of March 2024, the estimated number of victims was 2,307,000, 851,06 2 cases were recorded, and only 38,776 offenders were convicted. 

In conclusion

There is more awareness than ever of Domestic Abuse, but unfortunately, prejudices and misunderstandings persist. 

• Most people still believe that if the abuse isn’t physically violent, it isn’t abuse. It isn’t that bad. There is still this misconception that victims can and should be aware of red “flags” and that it is easy to leave if victims really wanted to. 

There needs to be more education about the grooming process and more subtle types of abuse (such as verbal and emotional abuse) 

• Victims are encouraged to speak up, to report, and to leave, but when they do, they are shut down, shamed, and abused by the people who are meant to protect them. The Justice system is outdated, out of reach for many, and is guilty of favouring the perpetrators (White, rich, powerful men) 

For victims and survivors of domestic abuse to speak up and to leave, they need a safe space to go to. They need compassionate people around them and a fair justice system fighting for them regardless of their gender, the size of their bank account, and their place in society. 

• The infamous video of Cassie trying to escape P. Diddy, for him to strike her multiple times and pull her back into their hotel room, has gone viral on social media. Still, some people ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” A lot of individuals will defend him no matter what, even when faced with clear evidence. Of course, some knew, but they looked the other way. There was a lot of money to make, and nobody wants to kill their golden goose. Capitalism and fame/ idolatry enable some of the worst human behaviour. 

Society needs to put people’s well-being,as well as their safety, first. People before profit. People before power. Right now, it feels hopeless, but we need to persevere in enabling victims and survivors of Domestic Abuse to share their stories, to find refuge, and for them to rebuild their lives. 

Sylvie Rouhani

If you need help, you can contact the organisation below:

Refuge  “Refuge is the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK. On any given day our services support thousands of women and their children, helping them to overcome the physical, emotional, financial and logistical impacts of abuse and rebuild their lives — free from fear.”

 ManKind Initiative:  “The Mankind Initiative is the principal, expert and specialist charity in the UK focusing on male victims of domestic abuse.”

Reducing The Risks: “Domestic Abuse can happen to anyone, but it doesn’t always present in the same way. Those in the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer Intersex Asexual+ (LGBTQIA+) community may experience specific forms of abuse and be at risk of certain types of abuse more often than others.”

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash

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