***TRIGGER WARNING: This blog discusses child abuse, including sexual abuse.***
By Morrene Hauser
THE SHIVERS: When the nervous system is in such a state of overwhelm due to ongoing stress and anxiety that the body shivers and shakes uncontrollably.
I can finally laugh about this condition that I have suffered with for years, which I call “The Shivers.”
I am not sure when the shivers first came into my life, perhaps in early childhood? I am a child abuse survivor, sexual, verbal, and physical, by my mother and the various sick men she brought into our lives. By the time I was nine years old, there had been six father figures in my life. When I was in my early 20s, I jokingly named these men who helped “raise” me: My dad, the sperm donor; Bud the Cowboy; Dick the Drunk; Jack the Kindhearted Fireman; Fred the Carnival Guy, and Emil the Truck Driver.
Upon reflection, I probably gave these men names in an effort to lighten the heavy burden of unhealed pain I carried inside due to the years of abuse. Except for Jack the Kindhearted Fireman, these men, as well as my mother, were some very, very bad people.
When I was in my early 50s, I finally found the strength to confront my past. As I started to unravel the long-buried memories and began the healing process, I had to confront the immense amount of terror that I had been living with since early childhood and how that had affected me. From the chronic illnesses that started in early grade school to the depression and anxiety I suffered with for years, to the way I raised my kids, to how I conducted myself in my marriage and my career, that terror and anxiety had a firm grip on my life. I never felt like I was doing enough. Nor did I feel good enough. It seemed the harder I worked to meet the many demands that my tortured mind made of me, the worse I felt. Despite running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I was rarely able to feel any sense of accomplishment. It seemed like everyone around me had the “hang” of life. Everyone, that is, except for me.
At various times in my life, mostly in times of high stress, I would get the shivers. And those shivers would appear out of nowhere, mostly when I was alone. They would start with a cool, shivery feeling in my chest that quickly spread throughout my body until I was shivering and shaking uncontrollably. Despite putting on a sweater and covering up with a blanket, nothing helped.
And when the shivers started, I would fight like hell to make them go away. They were intensely uncomfortable and terrifying. It seemed the harder I fought to control my body, the more it shook. It was brutal.
One day, about seven years into my healing journey, I was lying in bed reading, when suddenly I got a violent case of the shivers, worse than I had ever gotten in my life. From the top of my head to my toes to everything in between, my body shook and quivered with such an intensity that I could hardly hold onto the book that I had been reading. I was absolutely terrified at what was happening to me and wondered if I was having another nervous breakdown. Should I call an ambulance? Should I call a friend to take me to the hospital? After a while, the shivers stopped, but that incident left me badly shaken.
After a while, the shivers stopped, but that incident left me badly shaken.
A couple of months after that incident, I got another case of the shivers, every bit as bad as the previous incident. But this time, something in me had changed. I finally understood that the shivers were born out of years of ingrained terror. And with that understanding came great healing. Instead of getting emotionally involved and letting myself be overtaken with terror, this time I said, Bring it on. Although my brain understood what was happening, my body hadn’t caught up with my new way of thinking. While my body shivered and shook, I let it do its thing while I calmly watched TV.
As time has gone on, the shivers have slowly decreased. But occasionally they still make their appearance. I realize this is my body’s way of healing and releasing any vestiges of pain I am still carrying. Instead of looking at them with terror, I welcome them, almost like an old friend.
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Morrene Hauser currently lives in Central Ohio. For a little over 30 years she ran and operated her own business as a court reporter. Upon retirement Morrene started writing about the many wonderful animals she had while growing up and the powerful impact they have had on her life. Morrene also writes about mental health.
Thank you for writing this! I have experienced the shivers for years and truly thought I was alone in that. I have a feeling that many people will relate to this article. I love your decision to embrace them like an old friend.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my article. I hope this helps you heal. I was so thankful that when I got them that time that I had such a different mindset. I’ve had them a few times since but again I just let my body do its thing.