Amplifying Hope 

Surviving the invisible epidemic of emotional and psychological abuse

On November 19th 2023, I answered a call from an unknown female who, in 30 minutes, would blindside and obliterate the family my children and I knew.

On that call, she divulged an abundance of facts, including that the last 7 years of my marriage and family with the defendant had been a complete scam. He was leading a double life filled with multiple avenues and types of adultery, manipulation, betrayal, and additionally had another family. That female caller happened to be his stay-at-home fiancée & common law wife in Texas, where he was and is still living as a bigamist and apparently called “Dad” by 5 of her children. She knew all about me, our life, my immediate family, and our children, but I knew nothing of her. 

My life took an immediate left turn that November day.  I was stunned and emotionally frozen. I had no words.

But as you can imagine, the soon-to-be defendant and I spoke shortly after that call.  The conversation seemed to go on for hours. And at one point, I asked, “How has no one at your employer questioned you about her or me?   I am your wife, on the health insurance, company’s tobacco license, your emergency contact, W-2 deduction, and so forth, but you parade her around and have hidden your real family.”   He quickly snipped back, “Who is going to stop me?  I am the F’ing president of a Fortune 50 company!“  I was simply speechless.  Nowhere to go with that bold statement; however, that tone, arrogance, and defiance would set the stage for our divorce process.  

Over the next 22 months, this divorce case would be well documented. What I read, saw, heard, and learned described the most degenerate human behavior and revealed a husband whom I did not know. 

At the final hearing, you could hear a pin drop in the courtroom as I finished describing that November call.  I stopped. I needed a moment to reflect and fight the tears. The reality was hitting me.

This was about to be my moment, perhaps the bravest moment of my life.  I was facing this charlatan, my abuser, my children’s abuser, in an open courtroom, under oath and on official record.  I had worked for weeks on what I wanted to communicate.  So after all these months of my required divorce silence, the defendant would finally hear from me directly and what I truly thought.

I took a deep breath, looked at the judge, and continued:

“For 7 years, he made the CHOICE to defraud our children and me with an innumerable quantity of lies – directly through personal interactions and texts, and additionally – through covert and subtle manipulation filled with fake promises and scenarios including a severe illness. 

For 7 years, he orchestrated the complete isolation and triangulation of our children and me from his parents to the point of no contact.  

And for 7 years,  he knowingly, willfully, and without my consent, jeopardized my health with his high-risk sexual activities.​

These actions were not a mistake. They were calculated choices, destabilizing our reality, and perpetrating emotional and psychological abuse on our children and me.  The state where he currently resides recognizes his behavior as domestic and child abuse.

He controlled the finances, and the basic facts were never in question, but he promised that he would make this a long and very expensive divorce.  He was successful in his delay tactics, obstruction, and costs. 

If you can cheat on your spouse, you WILL cheat in every other aspect of business, life, and relationships.  For our case, this statement is no longer speculation.  It is a verifiable fact on public record.” 

I then sat back in my chair, released my breath, and looked over at the defendant’s table.

The defendant’s attorney did not object to anything during my impact statement and then declined to cross-examine me when offered.  It was all official record now.  The judge released me from the stand.  My attorney smiled and nodded.  She knew what I had just accomplished. She was proud of me, but more importantly, I was so proud of myself. I stood up to my abuser.

His horrific betrayal altered my life’s reality, but reawakened confidence that could change my future.  He still had his narrative but no longer had control. The court documents spoke loudly.  However, I do believe that he felt like he won that day – hidden finances, no trial, and kept his executive job and false narratives intact. I left money on the mediation table as a deliberate statement, as it wasn’t about the finances for me; it was about accountability and formal documentation of the truth.  

A divorce changes your future, but prolonged betrayal trauma changes your past as well.  

I am not naive. I know there is no promise of complete healing or a quick fix. I have replayed every conversation, scenario, and interaction seeking the logic of it all. There is none. 

Coercive control and covert domestic abuse are so subtle that they fly under the radar to those people outside the home.  The half-truths or the “don’t say anything, but…” plant the seeds of triangulation and manipulation. These deceptive tools slowly and softly introduce the abuse to erode your character, self-worth, and how others view and perceive you.  

We saw this type of emotional and psychological abuse play out with the Johnny Depp case, Gabby Petito, and various others.  Just media hype, right?  Wrong.  You never think in a million years that would be you one day – Until it is.

It is an invisible epidemic, and way more common than one might think.  Personality disorder, lack of moral compass, or just malevolence, that is for someone else to decide.  That is not my focus.

So why share this story?

• I share to help others feel less alone.  I had no peers who could truly understand.
• I share to advocate for active laws surrounding emotional and psychological abuse.  Many states do not even recognize it, and if they do, they make it hard to prosecute. 
• I share to give a voice to covert abuse that occurs regardless of your job, social status, or education.  This abuse does not discriminate.

We live in a world today where we only project what we want others to see.  Image is everything. Emotional and psychological abuse are easy to hide.  It’s subtle triangulation and manipulation. It’s behind closed doors and hard for the outside world to recognize and decipher.  However, just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  

But I  do know that we are stronger together.  Knowledge and understanding create empathy and compassion.   Empathy and compassion grow the voice of emotional and psychological abuse.   And when that voice grows, people pay attention, and change begins to happen –  Amplifying Hope.  

Photo Credit: Unsplash

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