Frequently, a sexual abuse victim comes forward after many years of silence–sometimes much later in life. Doing so means facing skepticism. Why did you wait? How can you be credible now? Aren’t those false memories?
That victim frequently faces dismissal and derision.
Let me describe aspects of my situation to give you an idea of what can happen.
Disclosure: Prelude and Aftermath
At the age of 57, I finally committed to telling the truth. I had been sexually abused by my maternal grandfather, Konrad Koosmann, a Bishop in the American Lutheran Church, between the ages of 7 and 9. I went public in a big way. I wrote a book and advertised it beginning in March 2020.
(The book was originally titled: Family Legends, Family Lies. Due to a dispute with the publisher, it has been republished with the current title: The Bishop’s Cross)
The lengthy prelude to this decision included decades of trying to address the abuse with my mother. When I was a teenager, her sister went public with the news about their father being a child molester. Then I watched silently as the entire family, led by my mother and Konrad, cut her out, smeared her as mentally ill, and declared her “dead” to the family.
Every effort I made to broach the topic led my mother to initiate similar smear campaigns against me. When my brother announced his engagement, I watched as my mother told his fiance, “you’re the daughter I’ve always wanted!” Anytime she saw my boyfriend, she warned him to stay away from her “mentally ill daughter.” My parents adopted me, and she told me that the adoption agency had given her defective babies. There’s more, but you get the picture.
When I published the book, I expected to be treated as my aunt had been: cut out, cut off, smeared, derided, declared “dead” to the family.
That is part of what happened.
At the same time, many members of my family, especially on my father’s side, remembered my aunt’s accusations against her father, and they publicly supported me.
The Aftermath
My mother passed away in June 2025. She left instructions that I was not to be called or told of her death, and no one was to invite me to her funeral. But, family reached out to me, anyway. I wasn’t the only person blacklisted, either. She had a lengthy list of “enemies.” The old battle lines would not be buried with her.
She was polarizing in life, and polarizing in death.
Last year, I thought a lot about how she tried to send hatred of me down across generations–specifically, to my son. By banning me from her funeral, she banned my son from the family. It was guilt by association directed at an innocent child to protect her “legacy” with descendants.
The Escalation
Then came a stark escalation that illustrated how deeply the old family defenses still operate.
Recently, I found four X posts (Twitter) that my cousin had made in January 2025. This cousin is the son of my mother’s sister, the sister who also accused the patriarch of sexual abuse. The vitriol and violence were stunning. Without disclosing his X handle, this is what he wrote (still up on X as I write this):
The Irony
These words came from the son of the aunt who had once been punished for making the same accusations against Konrad. My cousin is treating me the way my mother treated her sister for telling the truth.
The internet is forever, but tweets can be deleted just the same. I took screenshots of these posts before reposting and responding to each one. Then I posted those screenshots to my Facebook account. He put it on social media. I intended that it remain on social media even if he deletes it, and I intended for all of my family to know what he posted.
Some family members who sided with my mother and cut me out are still connected to my FB account. At the same time, I have many family members who have backed me publicly. Some of them posted messages of support in front of everyone–including the naysayers.
Not one of my detractors had the temerity to criticize me openly on FB.
Still, I’m aware of the continuing controversy going on in conversations, email, texts. And the family at large is beginning to see that my mother left her entire estate to her former daughter-in-law, the “daughter she always wanted,” and to the only other grandchild, her son. This includes all the contents of her home, such as my elementary school photos. I assume those will be tossed into the trash. My mother used money for a couple of reasons: reward loyalty and cut off an entire branch of family–mine.
While that may sound like bitterness over money, it is not. I’ve known for decades that she had done this. If anything, it played a role in my decision to come forward with the truth. I reached a point in life where I took control of my own narrative, despite the blowback.
On my Facebook post about my cousin’s tweets, I said that my only regret was not coming forward with the truth sooner. One cousin said this in response:
“I have always believed you. I, too, wish you would have spoken up earlier so you would not have had to bear so many years of pain with no support. Blessings to you and much love.”
Speaking the truth carries a cost. Some family members will choose the comfort of the old legend over the discomfort of reality. Yet every time a survivor breaks the silence, we weaken the shame that has protected predators for generations. That is why I will never regret coming forward.
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Wendy Hoke writes about complex trauma, dysfunctional family systems, boundaries, faith, and recovery. Her essays combine personal experience with thoughtful exploration of the psychological, relational, and spiritual questions that often follow childhood adversity.
She is the author of The Bishop’s Cross: A Journey to the Truth and co-author of The Church of Gomorrah: When Sexual Abusers Remain in the Church. She lives in San Diego with her two sons and continues to write memoirs, essays, and nonfiction. You can contact her through her website: [email protected]
I was just thinking this morning about how horrific childhood SA is, and why we don’t talk about it as a society more. Like the deal with Epstein, we hear about it, but then it’s never resolved and we are prompted to move on to the next thing. I really want to say more but I’m dealing with enough backlash from speaking up. And my concern is that others were abused and never came forward. God bless.