As the sun rises here on the porch of the homeless shelter, the house’s cat ambles up beside me. I scratch and caress her head. Her silky black fur seems too soft for a cat. She purrs and nuzzles my hand. She also wants to be fed. If we traded places, would she, like those who raised me, just feed and ignore me too?

I grew up envious of the family dog. Whether gobbling table scraps or kibble from his dented old aluminum bowl in the back yard, he always got a kind word. Picking white clover under the mimosa tree that I was still too young to climb, I silently envied that dog.

As humans, do we offer others what we think is important? Or what they truly need? Is it a matter of sharing whatever we have? Or is it just the extra – stuff we no longer want? Is the action one of moral duty, ego gratification, or genuine compassion?

They say, “Home is where the heart is.” That’s meant to imply the place one loves to be. But the heart is in the chest. So, couldn’t home also be wherever we stand? Maybe like the turtle, we take our home with us wherever we go. They also say, “Bloom where you’re planted.” Hmm. Like a seed, a child has no choice in this. Left to fend for themselves, a palm tree won’t fare well in Antarctica nor an apple tree flourishes in the desert.

For many survivors, our customary environment can feel just as out of place in a hostile environment. It’s worthwhile to do what we can to make the best of current circumstances. And yet, it’s also prudent to realize that the best we can make of some circumstances is to get out. Avoidance isn’t the only option, but is “bloom where you’re planted” really suggesting that a child is expected to successfully manage abusive conditions; that victims of domestic violence make the best of a chronically dangerous situation; or that someone suffering sexual harassment at work must strive to thrive regardless? I think not!

In many cases, those pat and petty and sadly all too popular platitudes clearly don’t account for conditions as they actually are. While possibly speaking to external conditions, they don’t address relevant internal factors – factors far more fundamental, and far more influential. In fact, platitudes can be a slap in the face to those struggling with the chronic quandaries of C-PTSD and other trauma-induced conditions.

A great many seemingly simple matters aren’t nearly as simple as they seem on the surface. A “simple” trip to the grocery store can be an obstacle course fraught with peril. A “simple” dinner and movie date can be a logistical nightmare with so many triggering variables one cannot possibly account for them all.

When did platitudes become proclamations? Like, “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.” Doesn’t anyone notice that it’s physically impossible? That is unless one has developed the slightly more plausible ability to clone oneself or learned to levitate. When someone is already struggling, casually, or condescendingly advising the impossible as if it were a simple matter of wit or will, does not promote improvement. Rather, it fosters despair, hopelessness, and resentment. And the incongruence can be downright crazy-making!

If slogging in the sludge of chronic depression, whether the sun will come out tomorrow or not, is hardly of consequence. That dark cloud with its shiny silver lining offers no luster while pounding me with hail. Platitudes proponents basically deny the fact that I’m knee-deep in quicksand and sinking fast while excusing their lack of understanding and compassionate participation.

“Where there’s a will there’s a way” is irrelevant unless there’s someone named Will with strong arms and a long rope standing nearby. Are they suggesting that liberation from imminent threat is a simple matter of getting my panic-stricken attention to concentrate harder? If only that were possible. Of course, if it were possible, I’d be free long before such platitudes could even be uttered. For that matter, I might not have gotten stuck in the first place!

There are people who lack the mental agility to put themselves in another person’s shoes. But empathy is an action of the heart. It would seem that in recent years empathy is lacking in the world in ever greater degrees. Is “all about me” culture of egocentricity truly the product and priority of the day? It’s a recipe for societal dis-ease and destruction. After all, practically everyone needs help on occasion. In one way or another, practically everyone can also share help on occasion. Mutuality matters, nurturing and fulfilling us in ways nothing else can.

For those aspiring to be the self-made man or independent woman – none of whom really are that – always going it alone is a sure path to self-imposed isolation, suffering, and eventual regret. Ego-gratification is like candy and soft drinks. They may taste good but lack vital nutrients for long-term fulfillment.

Compassionate purpose, meaningful action, and cooperative fulfillment are the nutrient-rich diet of the heart. They are the means by which the whole world may truly flourish.

by J. Bradley O. 2020

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.