Serendipity and The Disconnected Child

Have you ever heard of the term…

“You are where you’re supposed to be”?

Serendipity, many people think that serendipity is a happy accident, coincidence, good fortune. Serendipity means looking at what others see as a problem and seeing instead an opportunity, so much so Finland is redesigning its education system. In some circles, it is said that serendipity is a state of mind, the law of attraction.

For years I did not know what that meant. Coming from a childhood of disconnection through trauma, for decades I was and on occasion still am extremely confused. All human beings are responsible for their thoughts, deeds, actions, and behaviours, in all conditions they are exposed to. All of these are direct choices that are made by each person in the moment that will have direct consequences that impact them and the people around them. This can be very difficult when you are unable to understand the direct causality or process of doing so.

What could cause such a catastrophic reaction?

Infant Separation

Infant separation is one of the most dangerous and harmful experiences a child could face because not only have they experienced something traumatic, the loss of their parent, but also do not have the safety, love, connection, and regulation of the attachment relationship to heal and integrate the traumatic experience. From conception the diad of a mother and child is biologically, intrinsically and spiritually connected at a level we are yet to fully understand. Love is NOT enough and therefore nature wins over nature every time.

Adoption is like being hit over the head really really really hard and then being emotionally concussed for life.

Research indicates that infant separation impacts babies developing brain in many ways.  The brain adapts to this constant fear and focuses strictly on survival.  Subsequently, the brain overly develops the systems and pathways that anticipate and respond to that specific threat and creates an extremely adverse template that affects all future development.  The limbic system (amygdala and hippocampus), midbrain, and brainstem, which play key roles in regulating our responses to a potential threat, fear, show increased sensitivity.  Additionally, the cortex and frontal lobes have reduced functioning, which are structures connected to problem-solving, planning, and learning.

Some circumstances transpire that are out of your control, for me it was Forced Adoption, in the United States, this was known as the Baby Scoop Era. A practice that was rooted in coercion. The purpose of coercion is to substitute one’s aims for those of the victim. For this reason, many social philosophers have considered coercion as the polar opposite of freedom. I now know this as a manifestation of C-PTSD, PTSD, anxiety and depression.

Future learning and issues

I believe the “manifestation of c-ptsd”  and other psychosocial disabilities come from not only unforeseeable instances but also from the way we intentionally treat others.

Past experiences of trauma are common for people with psychosocial disabilities or issues. It is important to be sensitive to the possible impacts of trauma, which may be lifelong when providing support.

A psychosocial disability may restrict a person’s ability to:

• be in certain types of environments
• concentrate
• have enough stamina to complete tasks
• cope with time pressures and multiple tasks
• interact with others
• understand constructive feedback
• manage stress.

Not everyone who lives with a mental health condition has a psychosocial disability. Many people do not realise that their experience of life could be called psychosocial disability. Other people do not like the term and prefer not to use it.

Saying that you have a psychosocial disability does not change who you are, your experiences, or your ability to live a meaningful and contributing life.

The trick here is knowing who you are, as an adoptee a poor sense of identity and lack of a “normal”  baseline clouds the way to recovery and healing. This is extremely poignant to the lived experience of adoption. Adoption has a narrative based in altruism, so you may ask why is this bad?

In my experience as an adoptee, the fairytale adoption narrative is not based on fact and adoption is not always rainbows and unicorns.

The difference between unconditional love & altruism

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism or complete love. Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love that has no bounds and is unchanging. With unconditional love, you are not thinking of yourself, you are putting yourself completely and utterly at service to another.

But here is the problem

Altruism

In regards to universal consciousness or group consciousness, it is widely expected that all things are made of intelligent energy and are a part of “The One”. Therefore there is no such thing as altruism in the universe. Let me explain. Altruism implies separation. It implies self versus other. Thus, altruism can only exist in an atmosphere of separation. Altruism is a mutually beneficial experience and therefore it is conditional love due to unconscious conditions are being met or imposed. When someone is being altruistic, they’re trying to create a mutually beneficial arrangement or transaction without your knowledge.

This brings us to:

Grooming & Coercion

Grooming is a predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent attempting to build their trust in a deceptive way, making them more vulnerable to abusive behaviour.

Alleged abusers or offenders use a variety of strategies to access and entrap young people. These strategies can be sophisticated and deliberately target young people’s inexperience, need for belonging, and desire to be seen as adults. As with all manipulative and coercive behaviours, the key is to be aware of common strategies and notice them.

So where does this leave us?

Combatting “Social Reappropriation”

Some say adoption is a lifelong intergenerational process that unites the triad of birth families, adoptees, and adoptive families forever. Recognising the core issues in adoption is one intervention that can assist triad members and professionals working in adoption to better understand each other and the residual effect of the adoption experience. 

Adoption triggers seven lifelong or core issues for all triad members to process, regardless of the circumstances of the adoption, or the characteristics of the participants (Silverstein and Kaplan, 1982):

1. Loss
2. Rejection
3. Guilt and shame
4. Grief
5. Identity
6. Intimacy
7. Mastery/control

Before healing, there must be understanding. Only by understanding that healing comes from an unknown place deep within we can start a dialogue with our inner child, reparent ourselves as the parent we needed – ultimately,  re-rooting ourselves! To some, this may be known as going through the dark night of the soul.

How do you acquire serendipity?

Through Linguistic Reclamation and Acceptance

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

The 6 steps in the “Hierarchy of Needs” are as follows;

1. Biological and Physiological needs
2. Safety needs
3. Love and belongingness needs
4. Esteem needs
5. Self-Actualisation needs
6. Self Transcendence

More about this here

You must realize that adoptees have endured a catastrophic setback even before the first step of the hierarchy begins. This step precedes the current 6, reforming the hierarchy for adoptees into now (seven) steps.

The goal of spiritual development is to be fully present and aware of emotional states and to choose the emotional states one expresses, instead of being at the whim of the undisciplined emotional states generating from the Pain Body.

Infertility Spawns Futility.

Adoption is born of futility.

Esoterically speaking, adoption is a gateway to ascension without the key. The path to healing is accepting the futility that the trauma of adoption cannot be healed. Only then you can attempt to put yourself back together.

You have to understand that this is an extremely hard thing to do when nobody seems to understand or care. But then again, I’m not doing this for someone else, I’m doing this for me!

I intend to bring my inner child and all of their painful wounds and experiences back into union. I intend to integrate all these parts now. I am so loved. I am so honoured, it is done.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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Shane Bouel

Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Adoptee, Friend, Colleague, Mentor, Former Lecturer, Multimedia & Web Designer, Artist, Former Art Director, Human Rights Activist. Dedicated to lifting standards of ethics & morality by promoting truth and denouncing the Conservancy of inhumane ideologies.

Throughout my personal life and career, I have created, fostered and maintained strong meaningful relationships. Including Former students and fellow adoptees.

I’m a qualified multimedia lecturer with over 20 years of experience with a vision for colour therapy, energy healing and natural therapies.  Facilitating intuition, idea generation via a range of creative conceptualisation, and brainstorming techniques to ensure strong and effective solutions.

I’m currently a committee member of Adoptee Rights Australia inc. which has established itself as the peak body to advocate for reform in adoption legislation, policy and services in all Government jurisdictions in Australia because the human rights and well-being of adopted persons should be restored, protected and promoted. Most importantly Adoptee Rights Australia seeks to raise public awareness of, and support for, reform of adoption legislation, policy, and services across Australia.

After all…

“We’re all just walking each other home.” – Ram Dass