Content warning: I’m going to say some things that people might find, not nice. You have been warned, and your comments will be monitored.
Today’s topic is rather hard for me to define upfront so let me start off with an apology as I try to sidle my way up to my topic.
The idea is a tangle of threads.
Among the contributors are loneliness, social media, emotional manipulation and blackmail, responsibility, and the denial of the same, entitlement, victim claiming and victim blaming. Plus a good deal I suspect I haven’t touched on yet. As I said, it’s a mess and I’m going to have to think my way through this essay very carefully.
First off, what got me mulling over this tangle in the first place?
It is something I have seen repeated again and again in online CPTSD communities. Now let me put in the caveats of not everyone, and not every community, so if you think you’re gonna slam me for absolutism — you can just put that ‘not all’ comment back in your pocket. I am talking about a phenomenon I have seen several times now in online CPTSD communities.
So what is this phenomena?
It is when a person (person A) enters the space with a great whopping load of ‘Oh poor me the world is so unfair, people are icky and I am the victim of everything.’
Well first off, you’re in a CPTSD forum, so yeah, those things are pretty much a given by most of the folks in here. What else is new? In the specific cases I have in mind the individual went on to proclaim that they needed support. Ok. Fine, that’s pretty much why we are all here, what can we do for you? Slowly the person unwinds their tale of woe. And pretty much folks are like, ‘Yeah, been there done that’ and some ask questions like ‘What have you tried?’ ‘How are you working on yourself?’ ‘Can you see how your actions contributed to your problem?’
This is where things go a bit pear-shaped.
In the instances I have in mind this point is where the person in question jams on the brakes–full stop. And fires questions back like “How dare you not support me fully?’ ‘How can you call yourself a support group, when you are attacking me?’ ‘How can you imply that I did anything wrong because I am the VICTIM? Look at my amazingly long line of ill fortune, neglect, abuse, and suffering.’
Oh, really?
Something interesting happens at this point. In essence, the responses fall into two camps: hawks and doves. (blankets and bootstraps, maybe?)
Dove’s answers are, in general, the folks in the group who agree with the assessment of Person A that everyone is being icky because they are not rolling out the red pity carpet. They are comforting and validating. Safety blankets, soft landings.
The hawks tend to be the folks asking questions about how Person A’s personality/CPTSD responses might have added to or shaped their perception of events. They tend to ask questions like ‘What are you doing to overcome your CPTSD?’ The bootstrap camp.
Both camps are caring. Both camps want to help. Both camps are needed, at all times. Who hasn’t really appreciated a soft landing when we needed one? Who hasn’t benefitted from some hard questions from time to time?
This is where what I have seen really grows teeth. It is when Person A actively fuels this divide within the community. Their need for chaos and drama drives them, and their responses amplify the differences between these two styles of help. I have seen Person A respond with name-calling, hostility, divisive language, and accusations of victim-blaming. They take no responsibility, they pursue no solutions, they can make no connection between their actions and consequences, and they are present to be soothed and validated, they are owed.
In short, they drain a great deal out of the community and sow division.
In a recent example, Person A came to the group with tremendous loneliness, something almost all of us can relate to very well. In the course of the rambling explanation/complaint of their situation, they described a social experiment they had conducted ‘online’ just to see who cared. It didn’t go as they had hoped, and indeed when their hoax was discovered, many of their online connections severed contact.
Immediately people came to support this person, some as doves, some as hawks, but each one of them cared. The outcome, again was not what Person A wanted. The mere question that their actions provoked some of their connections to leave was met with outright hostility, name-calling, and a good many aspersions flung about.
The generous doves of the group did their best.
And they also tend to have pretty good boundaries and are less likely to buy the “pity me, give me all the validation, because I have had it so hard-line” because– we all have.
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Currently I’m trying to find a publisher for novel 1. Writing. Writing. Editing. Editing.
And trying to tame the feral kittens that overrun the tiny town I call home.
I can relate to this. I’m impressed by the courage it took to post this hard topic.
Having been on several forums for people with various chronic issues, it’s refreshing to see someone offer some kind of framework in advance of this problem. An ounce of prevention v. a pound of cure, no?
That said, I think forum rules enforcement, moderator training, and self-awareness to self-pity, are steps for individuals in any role.
Self-pity is something like a failure of self-love, I think. When I pity myself, my inner child is crying for attention. I can’t expect others to mother me. (Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Just that I can’t substitute one relationship for the other. )
Somehow I have to become aware of my power to mother myself. Who else knows me well enough?
Being a good keeper of my dovecote and my hunting hawks means I can’t automatically respond with my default bird. I have to gauge what I’m looking at. (I’m not perfect at this, either.)
That said, I would suggest we remember that the drive to drama is not the only reason for the dynamic. It becomes the reason when the offender will neither learn, nor leave.
Brilliant*
When I pity myself, my inner child is crying for attention. I can’t expect others to mother me. (Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Just that I can’t substitute one relationship for the other. )
THIS^^^
Sorry, I should be logged in, but this is Mari (author) and I wanted to say THANK YOU for this observation.
Bang on.