Are You In Toxic Friendship?

Signs to look out for!

Friends make our lives richer. But every now and again, friendships take more than they give.

You have probably seen examples of toxic friendships in movies or TV shows — for example, Anna Delvey and her “friends” in “Inventing Anna,” or the blockbuster movie “Mean Girls.”

While it’s easy to call out — and criticize — toxic friendships on the silver screen, it’s difficult to identify the warning signs in your own life — especially in a friendship that’s meaningful to you.

Dr. Jamie, a trauma-informed therapist, says to consider if you’ve been feeling depleted, guilty, or inadequate — even if you can think of countless ways you’ve been a good friend to that person.

When you have a deep connection with someone, it’s hard to put your history aside and see your friendship for what it is. Here, read through this list of warning signs to determine if your relationship is doing more harm than good — plus, get expert advice on how and when you should cut ties.

Toxic friendship signs!

They disrespect your boundaries

Communicating boundaries to anyone can be extremely challenging — but it’s even harder if it’s with a friend who continually dismisses them, explained Dr. Jamie.

“Even if you’ve told them you have prior commitments or can’t be available, they’ll still ask for your availability and make you feel guilty for not showing up for them at the time they want.”

They always need something from you

Dr. Jamie said that a toxic friend will always need you at their beck and call, but may not reciprocate. “They’ll ask for favors or ask you to be there, and will guilt trip you if you’re not readily available,” he said.

They may also keep a stock of the things they do for you and use it against you, so they can say things like “I did this for you, why didn’t you do this for me?”

They don’t take accountability

Dr. Jamie stressed that this is the “hallmark of a toxic friendship — typically, a friend who doesn’t take accountability for the way they treat you will apologize in a way that doesn’t acknowledge that their behavior was hurting you. For instance, they may get you a coffee or buy you something instead of apologizing for their behavior and actively vowing to change it.

They may weaponize their struggles

Everyone goes through hardships of many forms in day-to-day life. But, a toxic friend may overstep in asking you to be there for them while going through something tough — and then may weaponize their struggles to manipulate you into doing things for them or spending time with them.

“Once you recognize a pattern of them weaponizing their emotional or mental state to make you feel guilty, you can try to offer concrete examples to them of how you can help, and then set your own boundaries,” he said.

They make you feel guilty for spending time with other people.

Dr. Jamie said that a toxic friend, more than likely, will get jealous and possessive if you’re hanging out with other friends. They might tell you they don’t feel you’re ever there for them if you hang out with other friends — even though you know that you’ve shown up for that person, thus dismissing any effort you’ve put into the relationship.

They dismiss your values

Peer pressure isn’t just an issue that affects younger people — sometimes adults, especially toxic friends, will pressure you into saying or doing.

They ignore your efforts to be a good friend to them

Often in toxic friendships, the toxic person may dismiss your help when you try to give it to them — but will still make you feel obligated to give them help or hand-hold them.

How to deal with toxic friends?

If you feel you’re in a toxic friendship, Dr. Jamie advised that this is a good opportunity to work on building confidence in setting boundaries.

“If a relationship gets to a point where you question your identity, you’re not honoring your values, you’re constantly feeling depleted … it’s time to reevaluate the friendship, and it’s OK to walk away from a friendship like that,” he says.

“Even if you’ve told them you them you have prior commitments or can’t be available, they’ll still ask for your availability and make you feel guilty for not showing up for them at the time they want.”

He said a good way to approach a conversation like something like: “Hey, I wanted to talk to you because I really value our relationship — and when you do X, it makes me feel like Z… I wanted to bring it up so we can move forward with this and make sure we’re showing up for each other in a healthy way.”

If after approaching the conversation in a validating and empathetic way, the person gets defensive and refuses to take any accountability, then that’s an opportunity for you to decide whether you want to keep that friend around, Dr. Jamie said.

Thank you for reading. To share your experiences go here. To visit Dr. Jamie go here.

 

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