Using Somatic Modalities To Help Decipher a Traumatic Childhood

A cold sense of violence about to explode filled the airless kitchen. I paused and took a breath while gripping the tile beneath me with my small bare feet waiting for the eruption while plotting my exit.  I felt my solar plexus tighten as my face went hot and time stood still. I prepared for what I thought was my due. As quickly as it came the dense and tenacious feeling passed as my mother, struggling with mental illness, dropped her rage as if on a whim, her eyes softening and an intense glare toward me fading.

My ability to feel, sense, and take on the emotions of others has led me to experience trauma deeply. Scientific research shows that ‘mirror neurons,’ which allow us to mirror the emotions of others, may in fact be more pronounced in one described as an empath.

My childhood felt like a battlefield

To me, my childhood felt like a battlefield. Bombs and bullets were flying with no shelter in sight, a sinister energy seemed to be continually lurking. I had a strong desire to make it better, to fix it for everyone’s safety. These are often signs of an empath.

My older sister feels she had a privileged childhood and has some guilt about living such a good life. My oldest brother, with whom I share the most abuse, has almost complete amnesia when it comes to his upbringing.  It’s only through prodding and reminders that a few recollections of his own shake themselves free. 

Competition for scraps of love available was fierce and the numbing of emotion seemed a prerequisite for my survival. During a recent family gathering when I expressed concern over what I saw as neglect, my father asked, “Are you even really part of this family?”

My memories go way back, before two years of age, where I have full recall of being in a playpen for way too long, wailing, and finally being met with a beating rather than the comfort of a gentle hug. The confusing message of being the culprit and guilty one shot deep into my being and set the table for low self-worth, damaged relationships, and a high tolerance for abuse, both self-inflicted and at the hands of others.

Intuitively sensing feelings and emotions grew into knowing full thoughts, particularly as they related to my parents. The adults really didn’t want to hear what I knew they were thinking. It became dangerous, and I shut that ability down by the time I was ten. 

What I did hold onto was the belief that I could ultimately escape, that I would prevail. Watching Barbara Walters on my belly in our basement on a bean bag chair inspired me to one day go to New York City. 

I left our family home the morning after high school graduation and eventually did make it to New York City. I came to know Barbara Walters becoming her personal trainer as a side hustle to make extra money.  She also had experienced her own abuse and was highly intuitive. I rang her doorbell at 7 a.m. one morning. “Susan, get in here,” and then she followed with, “What is happening with you?”  Within moments, I shared that I’d been sexually abused by my boss the day before. “Well, I am coming with you this morning to the office, and we will confront this man, together,”  I assured Barbara that I would handle it and did. I was promptly fired. I knew I could no longer be an assistant and chose to open my own talent brokerage firm matching celebrities with brands. My first deal was to knock on the door of the Factory to convince Andy Warhol to do a commercial for Pontiac which solidified my capabilities, but professional success did not assuage the trauma in my body.

After decades of talk therapy, which was impactful in getting the narrative down, I found somatic work was key in breaking free from the ingrained training trauma triggers.  This work has actually seemed to bring change at a cellular level. Modalities like dance, breathwork, and meditation have been key to creating life as a new reality.  Replacing carefully contained trauma pockets within my body with golden light has led to authentic metamorphosis. As for those empathic abilities of knowing, sensing, and feeling, I’m able to acknowledge those superhuman gifts and rely on them more than ever. I’m living with an open and genuine heart in a newfound reality with peace.

 

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