I have always had a problem sticking with things, or finishing things and all too often attempting things I may have a brief inspirational interest in. The lack of stick-to-itiveness may be seen by myself and others as lazy, or I was not interested after all. This has been a lifelong struggle for me, and I can’t help it, control it, or have not been able to in the past. I lose interest and almost seem to feel an aversion to succeeding at what I start.
Shamefully, I will admit there has been an unconscious impulse to look to someone else to finish what I feel inadequate to do myself as if fulfilling a directive from my mother that tells me, “You can’t do it!” I start inspired, but when success requires a sustained focus on learning new things, my mind short circuits and feels like there is no permission to be successful. Could it be because I might fail and/or it might not be perfect, not good enough? I just don’t feel capable of succeeding, like others, and then there is that damn problem of stick-to-itiveness.
“Where in the world would I learn that?” he asks rhetorically.
Learned helplessness is a psychic force of self-doubt, blocking, and interfering that prevents a person from continuing toward a goal, or worse yet, preventing the person from even thinking success could be possible. Thus, a person turns away from even beginning a quest of trying. Think about that. What a scary phenomenon to have illuminated in one’s mind, in my case digging it out of my unconscious processes. The condition of learned helplessness is an unconscious working process. Society would tell you that there is no excuse for not just buckling down and doing what is required to succeed. If you fail, then you are lazy and a pune, which is my new term for being viewed as puny in the eyes of negative critics, which most certainly deep down includes myself.
I recall the story read to me in my youth that involves tying a baby elephant to a post, and years later all that is necessary is to have the rope seen by the animal, but since so much time has gone by, the animal is paralyzed from moving and totally sure that there isn’t any point in trying.
It is now dawning on me, the creative spark within me, what was it and when did it occur, I think in the third grade. I was on my own, now that is scary, having been told to make an original drawing in art class of anything I wanted. I designed an extremely intriguing three-dimensional tower with a winding circular outer staircase taking the viewer to the top viewing tower. I remember how inspired I was by it! I can still feel the experience, but that was the end of that.
The beginning and the end in my childhood of looking to see if I had an innate talent or gift. Yet there it was glaring me in the face, but then back to emotionally struggling, desperate to keep my head above water, COPING, unknowingly, with C-PTSD.
There are a myriad of questions arising within me about my sense of learned helplessness. To whose standard must my inspirational undertaking meet? Where did I learn to fear success? I am not as capable as others, and what others? Why do I feel helpless to succeed? How did I learn to want others to do it for me (that is a big one)? Who are the ace achievers I felt so puny against in my youth? Did they (others) have permission to fail if they tried?
Beyond having learned to not be good enough when I would try, what are the symptoms of psychological troubles that interfere with being able to sit still and FOCUS!? Paralysis in life, beaten down, scolded for not being good enough. “You are so helpless!” Mother declared so often in a frustrated rage. More than a learned helplessness, a cringing from the outer world’s expectation of perfectionism! A deep anxiety experience in taking the reins of courage to go in my direction and fail or succeed on my own. This is a learned internalized self-expectation of “I can’t do it.” A sense of emotional defeat still operates on autopilot within the unconscious part of my mind.
Motivation and inspiration dissolve before my very eyes, even from the simplest spark or thought of “doing it on my own.” That is learned helplessness, a sense of being shackled by perfectionism before I even begin. I can still feel and imagine my childhood voice speaking out to me: It is too much work, too hard… “I can’t do it!” What I am really saying is, “My mom won’t think it is good enough; it’s never good enough!” Too much criticism, too much impatience, too much negative regard for efforts and creation from adults in a child’s life, and I “give up trying.” Add to this a lack of concentration from depression and anxiety, and I and others like me are left with a recipe for “learning to feel you are incapable of succeeding.” Not that you are, but you might as well be since you have given up on trying. Who could blame you? It is ok to fail! That is the lesson that allows us to keep trying, even after we fail. We all fail at times in life. We do not have to be perfect!
Learning to achieve, coming from a place of childhood learned helplessness is a matter of turning paralyzing pessimism into self-directed optimism. Imagine finding a place, a new reality that says, I am talented! Look at me fly with my own wings! What a glorious discovery to awaken to the fact that we can do it ourselves. And what we do will get better and better with time and practice. It does not have to be perfect; it simply must be our creation. Experiment with things that you have wondered if you might like doing. It is OK if you fail! Damn it, you tried! And I love you for trying.
Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
** Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
- My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 70+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: The Hidden Bugaboo (*recommended). The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday. The Man Who Lives Under the Bridge. Living in the Dis-World. SPECTRUM.
Thank you so much for expressing yourself about your experience with learned helplessness. I too experience this and only recently came to understand that my self-agency was taken away from me as a very young child by well-meaning – albeit cruel – parents who feared that my ineptitude as a young creative child would reflect badly on them.
Your description of what it’s like to experience this awful, awful burden mirrors my own. At the age of 65 I now struggle with an inner critic who keeps me from engaging in my artwork, which is one of the true sources of joy that I possess. Ironically, it’s also the thing that can bring me healing. That is truly effed up.
In my meditation practice I have recently started to work with guided meditations that aim to draw out and heal the inner parts of me that have been directing my thoughts, self perception and behavior without my understanding for all my life. As well as having recently read Dr. Richard Schwartz’s book No Bad Parts, I’m now seeing glimmers of hope and am starting to see the possibility of wholeness for the first time in my life.
Wishing you peace and freedom from this terrible thing!
Hi Scott, and yes, it is effed up. I liked your writing, response not only because it was honest, but also because I didn’t know how sharing my experience of learned helplessness would be received. “Learned Helplessness… I find it interesting the psycho-emotional ‘conditions’ that manifest around the core of a trauma disorder. We talk of C-PTSD, but as I said in my paper, “The digging it out (understanding) of my unconscious,” a learning ‘aversion,’ it is it seems, a side, comorbid, as they say, stand-alone issue. Although the laundry list of symptoms that suffers from C-PTSD tend to exhibit is potentially LONG.
Thanks for commenting. I also understand and relate to the age aspect you made about yourself. All too familiar, sounds like a lifelong struggle and I get it.
Jesse
Jesse, have you been diagnosed or treated for ADHD. I am an expert in the field and what you describe is a symptom bundle that exists with people who have ADHD. It is quite common to have both ADHD and c-PTSD. I know as I am one of those individuals. Highly sensitive people are very creative and this is also s a precursor for turning in the ADHD gene. Hope this helps.
Hi Dave. I had to think a bit about this response.
Wow, thank you for that comment. HSP highly sensitive person, highly creative, RSD rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I call annihilation anxiety because it is so bad) Can’t keep but one thought in mind at a time, easily distracted, forgetful, hypervigilant, the list goes on… but it is so difficult to grasp a diagnosis in hand when overwhelmed by C-PTSD symptoms… that seem endless too, and shared with differing diagnoses.
I knew there had to be a bright light in there somewhere for self-exposure in posted writings. I’ve been in the camp with Dr. Bill Dodson on how therapy doesn’t even touch RSD, rejection dysphoria, and for me, it certainly hasn’t. My RSD seems innate, autonomic, and quite a frustrating problem. Certainly, more than frustrating but my true anchor in life holding me down.
“A symptom bundle that exists with ADHD.” I have wrestled with the issue of ADHD being the only cause of RSD. It seems logical that dysregulated emotions, which I clearly have, as well as repressed… dysregulated emotions exist in trauma disorders too. Thus, an argument could be made that RSD could be caused by many conditions, including CPTSD which I have. Ironically, taking Clonidine, as so many other drugs do to me, activates a sense of RSD within me, forcing me to get off the drug. Talk about HSP. I’ve had a few seizures in my life as well, believed to be from excessive stimulation, non-epileptic.
How in the world does one differentiate ADHD from CPTSD experience through a highly sensitive person’s brain network? You have touched on a pressing and unresolved issue with me, Dave.
Jesse
Thank you so much for this post, Jesse; you’ve articulated something I’ve struggled with too my whole life – feeling paralysed and unable to attempt things. I felt so much shame about it before realising it stemmed from my trauma, and the shame is also paralysing. However reading about it, and hearing others’ experience of it, is helping to dispel the shame. You should be so proud of yourself – writing and publishing essays is extremely impressive, given what you’re battling!
Hi Anna. I thank you for intuiting a struggle on my part to learn to write effectively. You are a perceptive one. My life hasn’t been easy, educationally. A year ago my essays, written, revolving around my psychological and emotional issues, didn’t seem like there was a possibility of being published. I’ve come to see that what we see in ourselves are issues that are shared with others. If you see it and feel it, so do others. We simply are not alone, as we think we might be. I am seeing a re-enforcement of that from others connecting and getting how I experience life expressed in my essays. *Anyone reading this please comment and share your ‘burden’ that may lie in a secret place. If you relate.
Anna your words have touched me deeply. He says as he wipes tears from his eyes. God Bless you, and I am not a religious man; if that makes any sense.
Jesse