Effects of Trauma: The Fine Line Between Denial and Healing

Letting go comes in many forms, and letting go of denial can be an important one. It means letting go of what’s stopping you from facing fear, anxiety, isolation, and disconnection and growing and fully embracing your power. Fear and anxiety play a role in the short term to keep people alert in situations of dance. However, they serve a short-term purpose; it becomes problematic when there is no real long-term threat or danger.  It’s when we get trapped in it that we need to see how it stops us from seeing, avoiding, denying, and defending the wonderful opportunities on the other side of a life challenge.

Many of us were not taught how to express our emotions in a way that is not harmful to ourselves or others. Often, people hold them in until the kettle boils, and there is an explosion of anger, frustration, or sadness. Many of us go to a place of denial to cope with emotions that are hard to express or deal with. When you get used to not expressing yourself, it becomes a habit, and anything new often feels scary, including your own emotions and feelings. 

I’ve seen denial often with clients over the years who have called me to help them with their life clutter. When we hit a soft spot around why they have the clutter out, there are many excuses, downplaying, blaming, and other comments that prevent them from facing the truth. For example, blaming a partner for not putting items away in the home is the reason for the clutter. Meanwhile, they have an excessive amount of belongings that they don’t use or need. There is a long list of why they need to keep them, and there is no going around it. This creates a brick wall to get anywhere because if something doesn’t change, then the situation can’t change. Without getting to the root cause of why things are the way they are, it is hard to address a situation fully. 

What is denial?

One definition is that “denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety.” Kendra Cherry talks about how you can’t look at what’s really happening or the consequences of your actions. It’s having trouble accepting something that seems like more than you can handle. Denial is a way to cope with something that seems just too big to deal with and impossible to change. Taking it slowly gives a person time to shine a light on the situation at a speed that allows them to address it bit by bit. Ideally, this slow process is with the help of someone where you can move through it with support, less stress, less confusion and overwhelm, and more clarity. 

Going back to the earlier example of the client who has too much stuff they don’t need, it might be helpful to take micro steps by looking at beliefs and where they came from and then letting go of items.

Just like shame, denial protects a person from what is just too much. We often associate denial with individuals who struggle with mental health and addictions.. I’d like to let go of the labels and say that it happens to all of us in one way or another. Denialis someone struggling to deal with change. This is called being human. Our brain wants to keep things simple and save energy, and as Erin Urban says, it wants “situation normal.” Our brain is used to chemical combinations, and anything different just doesn’t fly.  The brain always defaults to the easier path. In a way, denial is one way the brain says no to change. 

The other thing to note is that sometimes you might have an awareness of a situation yet are unable to articulate it or think about it in a logical way. There are times when words don’t work, and just being in a situation in an energetic way means being patient and waiting for more answers to come. So, where some may say it’s denial, it could be their point of view, judgments, and projects of what they see. However, you are experiencing something totally different, and denial is actually not the case. 

Getting in tune with how you feel and what is going on in all areas of your life will help you discern when it’s denial and when you are aware that things are unfolding in a way that doesn’t require direct action. 

What are the signs of denial?

I’ve reflected on, researched, and compiled some of the many ways denial shows up: 

1. Downplaying the situation
2. Denying family situations, a situation at work, relationship dynamics 
3. You refuse to talk about a problem that is affecting you and/or others
4. You find ways to justify your behaviour that is clearly causing harm in some way
5. You blame other people or outside forces for causing the problem
6. You persist in a behavior despite negative consequences
7. You promise to address the problem in the future but then don’t
8. You avoid thinking about the problem
9. The person in denial often truly doesn’t see a problem
10. Making excuses for your repetitive behaviours that cause chaos

How can you let go of denial?

Decluttering goes beyond your spaces and time-wasters. Letting go is essentially letting go of what is making you heavy, stuck, and overwhelmed. 

With denial comes a story of why things are the way they are. These stories have been repeated, recycled, and reused for years.  It’s a way to not face what you are afraid of, and it’s okay to avoid something that doesn’t feel possible. Asking questions is a very powerful process that I’ve practiced for many years with clients, and I found that it has helped shift old mindsets and points of view. Recently, I’ve come across the approach from Dain Heer regarding what is possible and integrated it into the questions I ask clients.  Start asking questions and get curious: 

• How can you make the situation possible in a way that allows you freedom? 
• What do you need to make it possible? 
• What story can you let go of around a particular situation? 
• What are you downplaying?
• What would it take to change this?
• What else is possible that you haven’t considered?

Other ways to deal with denial

Involve someone else

If you are dealing with a loved one or someone else in your life who is struggling and unable to face a particular situation, it can be helpful to involve a third party. This can be tricky, especially if the person isn’t open to getting help in general, doesn’t see a problem or a reason to speak to anyone, or is completely resistant to change. In those cases, you can focus on how it affects you, and speaking to someone is really about helping you deal with the situation. This allows you to own your part, let go of what they do, and get your needs met while maybe even creating some shift in perspective for the other person. 

Compassion, Nonjudgement, Listening

Often, people don’t open up because they don’t feel safe, and they have a lot of shame around a particular situation they have been avoiding, hence the reason for the denial. If you are able to come from a place of compassion, understanding, and truly listening, then the other person will feel this and slowly open up. This is not reality TV, though, and having one long, intense conversation is not going to solve the problem. Rather I invite you to get curious in tiny steps making it easier for you to stay grounded and centered and for the other person to feel safe enough to shift and open bit by bit. This goes for you as well if you are looking at your own avoidance and denial. 

Take care of yourself

What can you do to address the situation without taking care of everything in a codependent way? Is there a way that you can be of support and make sure your needs are being taken care of?

At the end of the day, there are infinite ways to describe a situation. Slapping it with a definitive label like denial keeps people trapped, feeling shame and more avoidant to tackle the problem. Rather, be honest with yourself and those around you, keep it simple, and ask:

• Is this situation really as it seems?
• What point of view can I change so that I’m not projecting, judging, or rejecting myself or others?
• What is possible that I haven’t considered that could create more ease in this situation?

Most of all, be kind to yourself and balance taking action and observing without judgment to get clear on what you want to create and where you want to put your energy.

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

Photo from Unsplash: samantha-gades-LA6XfeVI5_c-unsplash 

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