The Emptiness of Yesterday By Jesse Donahue © 2024

The experience has shown me that the authentic self that sparked noticeably bright and lived so comfortably will dissolve from memory

The emptiness of yesterday, and here I sit today. Yesterday, a day of clarity was grounded in the moment like so few other days, at least as of late. It was real, and it was precious to a person who loses his “self” in the next day’s experience of loss. I stood tall, confident, and uninterrupted the day before today. Yesterday is now gone, and what is left for me is trying to hang onto a snapshot or a token of remembrance of who my authentic self was and what it felt like. Today, my authentic experience of self has abandoned me, leaving me feeling chaotic and lost, leaving yesterday empty and even forgotten for the most part. It won’t take long, as experience has shown me that the authentic self that sparked noticeably bright and lived so comfortably will dissolve from memory. It will surpass emptiness and claim nonexistence for all intents and purposes, and I will lose myself again. The questions that arise are what, why, and how. Here today, gone tomorrow; a slogan of coincidence, or did they see from within their own yesterday missing?

I can hear the readers remarking in frustration, “What the hell is this man even talking about!?” I am talking about the “what.” What happens to me that turns a bright light of presence one day or moment into a time-altered state of personal dysfunction and a radiating emotional pain of personal self-doubts, self-accusations, and fear?

I actually develop an amnesia of my recent past and present.

I have always lived and experienced my life from the standpoint or view of an emptiness from yesterday’s past. The disturbance in my time lived now bleeds out, not only draining away today’s calm confident presence, but it bleeds its toxicity back into my past moments. I become numb; I become blinded; I actually develop an amnesia of my recent past and present. This is the “what;” a toxic cloud radiating from within that smolders, smothers, betrays, and masks any real sense of freedom of the self’s authenticity. The “what” is the effect of internalized trauma in the earliest developmental stages of life. Trauma is the marking, the scarring of “imprinted” emotional-thought reactions onto the fibrous living network that is our nervous system, our brain. We have been touched in ways that change our brain’s circuitry from the impact of our experience of unmet needs as well as dramatic abuses. From the drama of violence towards or around us to our boisterous calls for comfort that go unmet as we cry ourselves to sleep, alone and experiencing helplessness in a sense of abandonment.

It’s a tough world we live in, for all of us. Understanding, for most all, is a missing ingredient in the capacity to empathize with the state of another, or the self for that matter. The living experience of the moments of terror anchors itself into our brain’s wiring and holds the emotion to be relived for posterity into the future. The “what” of my fading and infrequent moments, where authentic expression surfaces and is overridden, sabotaged by the upheaval of neuron-filled past emotional energies living in my brain and body’s storage places. The stored self-preservation emotional remembrances override and interfere with honest, authentic “expression,” i.e., (what you authentically think and want to say and do). The terminologies of our inner struggles are conflicts, inhibitions, fear, and mistrust. The list of self-defense mechanisms is long.

“This is the why of the what,” perhaps a good title in and of itself. Emotional imprinting of toxic emotions, fear, rage, disrespect, put-downs, shaming, abandonment, rejections of the authentic self’s expressions, etc., lived and sustained in the mind’s eye, the survival center. The inability to be honestly expressive in the moment, to be truly authentic is a major inner battle that needs to be faced. We have become inauthentic due to our inner struggle to be accepted and belong as opposed to just saying it as it is, as you see it… regardless of the consequences. The traumatic drama is a living energy, held and housed as a remembrance to defend against. How could you defend against the drama, ahead and expected, if the past traumas were forgotten? How do human infants, children, or many adults think? Egocentrically!

Meaning we think about ourselves and our own needs. Empathy for others be damned. I am all about me and getting what I need and want. This is from an innate position of the original narcissism of the child; it’s all about me, hey, my survival in this world! It makes sense from an animal’s need-to-survive position when you think about it. We usually grow out of that completely self-centered narcissistic position. Yet many do not, as can be seen in all too many of our public figures today.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

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Jesse Donahue

**  Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.

My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 50+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.

My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.

My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: *The Hidden Bugaboo. The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday.