Putting Myself First? You’re Kidding, Right?!
I had to step back recently from things that weren’t serving me anymore. Disappointing other people was so hard that I immediately wanted to backpedal on my choice. For many of us with childhood trauma, making changes that serve us and not other people feels very unsafe. We’re conditioned to make choices to avoid angering or displeasing other people. Making choices that put us first is antithetical to who we are as childhood trauma survivors.
What if people get mad at us? What if they experience discomfort, inconvenience, or disappointment because of our choices? If I am not suffering at 100%, how can I justify disappointing someone else? What if they interrogate us, refuse to accept our reasons for our choices, or try to bully or manipulate us out of our choices?
Guilt For Choosing Ourselves
The origin of our guilt and tendency to people-please is believing we aren’t allowed to choose things for our own benefit.
When my mom was dying, and even afterward, I sometimes didn’t want to do my homework. It wasn’t as if I were crying so hysterically that I couldn’t hold my pen. I just didn’t want to do my work. I was angry, and geometry was BS. I felt like only if I were immobilized by tears was I allowed to give myself a break and even then I felt enormous guilt and embarrassment, as if I were using my trauma as a crutch when really I was just lazy. Her death was weeks ago, I’d think. What is my problem?
I did the same thing in this current situation. Self-gaslighting. “You are not that depressed. You could try harder to make this work.” But the fact was my emotional health was declining precipitously. I was going to bed early and struggling to get up in the morning. I was physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. Even though I was really good at masking, I felt sad and alone inside. I neglected essential self-care in favor of more sleep, screen time, and food. It was a bit like being a functioning alcoholic. I wasn’t lying in bed all day depressed, but I was depressed. A functioning depressive.
The only answer I could come up with when I asked myself why I should make these situations work is I didn’t want people to be disappointed. I knew that wasn’t a good enough reason.
Becoming your real adult self often means being brave enough to choose yourself. It doesn’t matter if the situation isn’t terrible or traumatic. You’re still allowed to leave because it’s not serving you anymore.
Grounding in Your Adult Self
In this case, I was pretty sure that no one would lash out at me, though the fear still came up momentarily. To ground myself in my real adult self, I asked myself a few questions:
1. Was I causing real harm to others with my choice?
2. Would my emotional state decline if I continued in the situation?
3. Are other adults adaptive, even to things they don’t choose or prefer?
4. Was I as kind and transparent as I could be in my stepping-back?
5. Is this situation aligned with my path in life?
The answers to these questions gave me clarity. While I wished I could give other people what they wanted and give myself what I needed, I couldn’t do both. Sometimes, you will hurt people, but it’s still necessary to leave situations. This is incredibly painful, so extra care should be taken.
Final Note: Don’t expect the others in the situation to take care of you emotionally, as you’re disappointing them. They’re entitled to their feelings.
Photo by Clint McKoy on Unsplash
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Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach. Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.” She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.
I needed to hear this today. Thank you. 🙏