~Stepping Out of the Hopelessness
Wait a minute, weren’t Thanksgiving and Christmas just last week? Here they come again. Celebration doesn’t mix well with trauma. Everyone talks about the busyness of the season as a source of stress, but for survivors of childhood trauma, the struggle with the holidays has much deeper implications.
Memories from the past come to the surface. Emotional damage and conditioning push our default button. While everyone else is drinking hot cocoa and eating turkey, we are filled with despair and hopelessness. The loneliness of our childhood is only exacerbated by all the togetherness. If we are still in contact with our family, there is the additional stress of figuring out how to deal with them without going into a major depression. If we have gone no contact, we must deal with the guilt and obligation made worse by holiday expectations.
My family of origin had so many strange demands and behaviors associated with the holidays that the “celebration” became nothing but a source of dread. Even when I broke away from the family system, it took a long time not to be haunted by the memories and the brainwashing. We had everything backwards.
By rejecting the giver, gift-giving was a way to pile on more abuse. I once dragged a framed page from a book printed in the 1500s all the way from Europe as a present for my father. Knowing he was a history buff, I thought I had found the perfect present. He returned it to me, saying he didn’t have room for it on the wall. The silent message was always, “You’re as worthless as your gifts.” Nothing is ever the right size or the right color or the right choice.
You can never do enough. You didn’t help enough with the dinner. You didn’t stay long enough at the party. You didn’t do enough to make me happy, and on and on and on. The same old abusive pattern goes on steroids during the holidays. No wonder childhood trauma survivors struggle with celebrations.
I enjoy paper crafting. I recently found a wonderful YouTube channel called “Treasure Books.” They’ve given me so many ideas that I can’t stop myself. Because they take a lot of creativity and time to make, I’m having a hard time giving any of them away. But what am I going to do with twenty crafted “treasure books?” Keep them for me so they can go to waste?
That’s exactly what narcissists do with the holidays. They keep everything for themselves. Using manipulation and harassment, they demand control. What they want is narcissistic supply, and they will get it no matter how much it costs. Feeding off your confusion and sadness, they like to create an uproar.
Abusers take and take and take, thus destroying the holiday for what it should be. As survivors, we don’t have to live like this anymore. It’s not too late to take your celebration back. In fact, it’s high time you did!
We can be at peace with the way our family behaves by not participating in the old expectations anymore. Separate yourself from the system. I like to think of ways I can serve safe people who are willing to receive what I have to give. I no longer try to please an unpleasant master. Everyone was a loser when I participated in that game.
No matter how beautiful my crafted treasure books are, they don’t do anybody any good sitting on my desk. It is in giving that we receive. We must be careful with whom we entrust the most precious gift of all…the gift of ourselves. Don’t waste your holidays on people who only want to hurt you. Create a new holiday, and celebrate with all your heart. You’ve suffered long enough. Let this year be different. Defy trauma embrace joy
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Photo by coincidence on Unsplash
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Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.
This really hit home!! Thank you!!
My 3 cats are my family now.