“Choice paralysis” is a popular term in psychology, meaning the sense of overwhelm some people experience when faced with long restaurant menus or too many clothes on a rack. It can sound counterintuitive. Aren’t more choices inherently better? The concept has seeped into everything from marketing to targeted therapeutic treatments. Indeed, when questioned over sinking profits last year, executives at Starbucks explained that their beverages had become too customizable, too unwieldy.
Healing from CPTSD means gaining the capacity to choose
Of course, not everyone has the same access to making choices. Choice implies a certain level of privilege – in cruder terms, more money equals more choices, usually. In the West, at least, choice can feel like freedom, until indecision sets in.
I think for those healing from CPTSD, the concept of choice is a particularly thorny subject. Choice can feel like a luxury when you’re in survival mode. I know for me, it felt like a foreign concept. Something that wasn’t in the cards for me. Something for other people, like spa days or speaking three languages. Getting to choose what’s for dinner. Getting to choose hobbies. Getting to choose a career. Getting to choose a partner. All of these might feel unfathomable for someone on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I don’t think choice is intuitive for us with CPTSD. The fawn response, the tendency to appease others, is common for folks with CPTSD. The fawn response and choice are like oil and water. They don’t mix. The fawn response serves its purpose; it can feel safe, and it’s also very effective at crushing one’s self-esteem. It leads us further from agency and choice.
Furthermore, CPTSD is a stress disorder. A heightened nervous system can quash the subtleties inherent to choice. A common response to overwhelm is to dissociate. If a common feature of “choice paralysis” is a sense of overwhelm, then it doesn’t feel like a stretch to say that when faced with choices, the possibility for dissociation increases. Humans are safety-seeking. If the experience of making choices is unpleasant, it makes sense to avoid making choices. Avoidance leads to self-blame, and that feels bad, too, so the whole pattern repeats. I’ve faced my fair share of spirals.
Healing from CPTSD means gaining the capacity to choose. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. There’s no guidebook for something taken for granted by others. Choice is a human right. In the past, not knowing how to start choosing when it’s unfamiliar has made me feel further isolated from others. Like, I don’t belong. Psychotherapist Pete Walker describes grief as a necessary step in healing from CPTSD. I felt grief realizing I didn’t know where to begin when it came to making choices, something that’s supposed to be fundamental. That’s a big feeling to grieve. And it’s made slowly, starting to choose things that feel genuine to me, what I want for dinner, hobbies, friends, all the more satisfying. I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely comfortable with the choice. But I feel adamant that survivors have the right to honor their wants and needs, no matter how slowly, non-linearly, or counter-intuitively.
But I feel adamant that survivors have the right to honor their wants and needs, no matter how slowly, non-linearly, or counter-intuitively
While the idea of having choices is freeing (and can and should be!), the reality of learning to choose is bumpy. I say that because it’s true, and to reduce shame and stigma. I say that because getting to choose what’s for dinner, getting to choose hobbies, getting to choose a career, getting to choose a partner feels staggering, when for so long just getting by, hoping for kindness from people and places that hadn’t demonstrated kindness before, was the norm. I hope that if the freedom of choice feels uncomfortable or counterintuitive to you, too, that it becomes easier.
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
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