This post is darker than my normal posts, but I feel it’s time to address it.
Fear.
How are you doing today? I mean, really. Are you having a good day, or a not-so-great day? I’m deliberately not saying the word “bad.” Bad is a word that is used way too often and comes with negativity.
I’ve already lived in a horrific reality, and I don’t want it to follow me into adulthood, nor do I want my kids to use the word bad for everything that isn’t going their way. So, instead of saying the word bad to convey how I’m feeling, I choose not so great among others.
I still live in fear…
When I cut ties with my bio-family, it took me years to start feeling safe again. I went from being alone and not talking to anyone to being comfortable around people. I was at college doing my teaching program, and I felt like I had life under control. This was the first time that I had ever felt okay around other people.
Then, just when I started feeling safe, I reached out to my mother. She, in turn, let me down in the worst possible way by revealing my married name and where we lived to my so-called father. It’s been over a decade since my mother’s unforgivable deed, and I still live with fear every day. The fear that he will kill me and my kids.
Yep, I said it out loud. I went there. I’ve been to therapy, and I still cannot shake it. The fear is there because mother told him where we live.
Living in fear does take its toll
I’m overprotective of my kids, and I don’t trust easily. I prefer doing everything myself. I’m also hypersensitive, but that’s who I am. I like being busy with my kids, and I enjoy my life as much as I can. I have my work and my MFA thesis. I try to be upbeat and happy, but I also feel tired of battling that fear every day.
Do you recognize any of this? Do you tell your loved ones how you really feel?
When you have lived with trauma and abuse, you will have good and not-so-great days. It’s part of surviving and moving on from those events. Healing takes time.
I know that I’m not alone in feeling like this. I hope that through our community on Medium, we can support each other and talk about how we feel.
My name is Lizzy, and I’m a mom, teacher, author, and mental health blogger. I write for those who don’t always feel that they have a voice. For more about me, my books, and articles, check out my website: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com
Support my writing, and buy me a coffee.
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For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com
Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.
Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd
