It’s been 13 years since I have been to the dentist.
While I finally have insurance now, I fear going.
How does someone explain to a doctor their reason for not going to the dentist for 13 years or never having had a pap smear?
I prefer nobody to know my history.
Even more, I prefer nobody to examine my body and further dissect what isn’t “normal.”
I avoid eye contact because I wish to not be the audience of someone’s examination of my body, mind, and voice.
I often remain silent so as to feel safe from further examination. You see, someone used to love to look at me sideways, up and down, and bottom-up. I didn’t go a day without his eyes finding something on my body to focus on.
Today, you might notice that I turn my left foot inward at a 180-degree angle, curl my shoulders in, and divert my eyes in an attempt to feel comfortable. If I notice you looking at me closely, I will continue to turn my foot until it’s close to snapping.
I wish I could go to the dentist.
I know I need to see a medical doctor.
I can’t seem to make the appointment though.
I would rather risk my life than sit and be judged for not having health insurance all these years or be forced to face where I am at today.
Maybe I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.
I think I’ll wait a few months.
Maybe next year.
Yes, next year, I will go. I’ll just lie and say I saw a dentist last year. Nobody will know except those of you who read this.
*Originally published on Elephant Journal
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Rebecca Donaldson is a confessional poet, a Speech-Language Pathologist, and a PhD student in Positive Developmental Psychology. Her research interests include adverse childhood experiences, resiliency, narrative identity, and personality development across the lifespan. She writes on topics pertaining to psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems, inequity, and the shamed soul with Borderline Personality Disorder. She believes therapy should be collaborative between client and therapist and writes to advocate for improved treatment for clients with BPD, complex PTSD, and DID. For her, writing is a medium of self-expression in which she can be open, honest, and reflective about the mud in her life and the flowers which grow from it. She attempts to be raw with the world as she is with her friends and disowns all labels of mental illness. She is a human being, a researcher, and a dancer of Brazilian Forrô.
This feels like you are describing me. I have not been to the dentist in 10 years and never once had a Pap smear. I hate people examining and judging me. I feel like I’d rather die than face this fear. I have a lot of healing to do.
I don’t think I have related with anything more than this!
Hello to all..
This is me, yes I can completely relate to this 100%. My teeth are slowly falling apart due to the medication I took as a child from living in a home that would exacerbate my breathing conditions. I have not been (and strange enough) still have not gone to a gynecologist because of shame…after years of not being wanted by my father, I unconsciously looked for acceptance in men with my body..thinking all I was good for was to make them feel good. I never thought my words were important ..as I was dumb… to be seen and not heard. I had a learning “disability” that was then spurred on by my CPTSD… so as I got older I learned how to find acceptance from men.
In my older years, I became pregnant out of wedlock which then made my father look at me with further disdain, and I left.
I left to have my child and live in a home of constant abuse, mental, emotional, sexual and physical abuse. I made sure my child went to the care providers but I left myself go to be sure everything and everyone else was cared for.
I then moved on when I turned 29 unable to withstand one more day of survival mode(although I am still stuck in it and why I am here with all of you) I never healed, I never figured out what I was doing…I continued on…. secretly online dating and sexual conquests for men’s love and approval, only to end up with multiple abortions(please don’t judge I feel enough guilt/shame thank you) and situations I should have never let myself get involved in. I hid all of this from my daughter and work environment thinking I was such a failure not finding a man to be secure with…
Why do I share all of this with you? I share because this poem deeply resonated with me, My daughter who is now 26, her father died from substance abuse and a life he never addressed his wounds other than with sex, drugs alcohol and violence. She is left without a father and abandonment issues. I was having pain and discomfort in my body, I packed a bag and threw it in my car..knowing if this continued that she could not lose another parent. Two days later at 1 am I went to the ER…had multiple tests ran only for them to think it was anxiety…The ER doctor sat next to me holding my hand and asked me if I was ok… I explained of my abdomen discomfort but felt it was middle age… turns out after he pressed on my abdomen …he didn’t like what he felt ..
Two hours later and more tests came to reveal tumors….not just one.. there were multiple throughout my abdomen, cervix, uterus, appendix) This is how i manifested my trauma…. The same happened with my teeth and I ended up having several pulled. I was so ashamed when I was there… I rememeber every time I left feeling so my shame and not understanding why I did this to myself… and feeling as though everyone looked at me a certain way..when in reality.. they just know something deep is going on with you and let’s get this part fixed…and move on to fixing our minds as to not continue down this pathway…
In the end, I had all the tumors removed and they were non-cancerous..I am so thankful…the same with my teeth..(I am still working on them.. and it is hard) Each day is a struggle and I have come a long way,,, BUT I still fight things like the the gyne and dentist(which I have been gone but need to return after COVID)
This poem made me realize why I a am avoidant…. this group made me realize why I had done these behaviors that were completely again at my moral code but it was almost like I went numb and just kept doing them…. it is now time to address them as I have asked for forgiveness and live with it daily but know that this might help someone out there that is deeply struggling to go to the doctor… or dentist… You have value <3 You are loved and it will be ok .. go take care of yourself.. you only have this one life and it is worth living to the fullest <3 I vision sitting with you and holding your hand … cry and get it out …. because today is the day to start living again …there are people who care .. blessings, hugs and love to you
I haven’t related so much to a piece of writing, and also the above reply – ever!
I only go to a dentist if in extreme pain, and haven’t seen a gynaecologist for a couple of decades until this year when I found out you can do a self test Pap smear.
Unfortunately for me, the results mean I have to go and have a colposcopy at the hospital. I’m thinking about cancelling.
I know that’s all wrong, I just can’t stand being interfered with any more.
Even hairdressers are hard for me.
I’m glad it’s not just me. I’m also sad it’s not just me.
My father hated/loved me, never understood I was a child and I found him in every man I got involved with.
Is there any way to get better?
It took me years before I could go to the dentist. I paid for insurance for years but could never go. Finally I went and I spoke to my new dentist about my past trauma. Thankfully he was kind and understanding, he also had read some research on trauma and dentistry care. He stated he would always have a female dental tech in with us.
Oh my! This is me. I just shared it with fiance to show him that I’m not alone in this fear.
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry you had to endure all that and I’m glad you’re able to talk about it.
I can do the dentist, I can see Doctors with hesitation, but nurses freak me out so I delay a lot of stuff. So I can relate, Your not alone. Those nurses traumatized me as a kid. Haunts me to this day.