“I will admit, in my darkest moments my hope for others is much clearer than my hope for myself.” Anna-Maija Lee
For the purposes of understanding this post, please review the following terms as it comes to parental alienation, alienating parent (a parent or loved one that uses forms of abusive behavior to assist in convincing a child the other parent is not worthy), and targeted parent which is a parent that has been partly or wholly eliminated from their child(ren)’s lives due to explicit targeting by the other parent.
If you were asked a polling question where you swore to be truthful, take a moment to think of how you’d answer: What is grief, and how has it affected or influenced your life?
Merriam-Websters definition seems a bit too lighthearted: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.
National Cancer Institute states The normal response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one. Grief may also be felt by a person with a serious, long-term illness or with a terminal illness. It may include feelings of great sadness, anger, guilt, and despair. Physical problems, such as not being able to sleep and changes in appetite, may also be part of grief.
You can Google and receive many answers about the medical or socio-accepted belief on the definition of grief, however, for the purposes of this article, I am choosing to adopt Dictionary.com as defined: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. (I also like the statement: a feeling of vacancy due to loss.)
Grief is something normal that we all experience on a common basis. For many of us, we have been to funerals, wakes, and sit shiva, which served the purpose of allowing the families of those who have loved someone to honor someone’s light at the time of their passing. We understand this as grief and allow ourselves the moments we need in order to process a normal life cycle.
For a parent that is alienated from their child(ren) grief is slightly skewed. The grief embodies not only a loss but the true disconnect of a normal and healthy relationship – one that all parents assume will last their lifetime. The grief also sticks to the heart in the way of guilt by association. What good parent would ever be alienated from their own child?
The term disenfranchised is simple: to deprive (someone) of a right or privilege.
As an alienated parent, disenfranchised grief plays a substantial part in everyday life. As parents, we grieve for the loss of our children, yet the unintended circumstances surrounding the reason for the vacancy are what lead to disenfranchisement.
When we lose a loved one to a natural occurrence we qualify and quantify our feelings very succinctly. “I recently lost my mom, so I am going through a bit of an emotional time.” This seems like a common-sense answer you may have given or received a number of times throughout your lifetime. It’s topical in nature for a reason: even if the passing of an individual who you once loved was under normal circumstances, others still have issues deliberately seeking to penetrate another layer. Some might say, “I’ll be here if you need me,” or another supportive answer. Yet rarely do we or are we asked to go a bit further. “What was your mom like?” A simple question that could garner a set of tears or perhaps even a humorous story about mom. (There is nothing wrong with either or both.)
Some tend to shy away from these follow-up questions simply as a defense mechanism. It is to protect both ourselves from getting emotional and showing weakness while we are trying to lift someone up from despair. We are also perceiving that if someone is emotional at the time, we are partly responsible for adding to their pain. I am not sure any of this is true.
When an alienated parent is asked how their children are in blindsight (the person asking has no idea that you have been alienated) the answers can come off easily. During the beginning stages of complete alienation, I might have said that she was fine, studying and working while living with her mom. That usually keeps folks at bay and can often lead to some less traumatic discussion. Make no mistake, whether an alienated parent is asked by someone they love, a therapist, a friend – whether the person knows – we immediately go through a set of answers in our head to help them understand. Interestingly, most of these responses stay inside.
I realize how ineffective this strategy is.
However, a targeted parent must remain prepared for the inevitable; despite its prevalence for generations (and proven time and again with science, fact, and undeniable theory) few actually want to discuss something ugly like being abandoned by your child(ren). It’s quite similar to talking openly about drug abuse or mental illness and its effect on one’s family life. We don’t like to discuss it because it is sticky. Trauma sticks to the walls inside your skin. We can fight it, or we can succumb to it, but we are always living with it. These family traumas make our grief disenfranchised; difficult or almost wholly misunderstood, and are often lined with family secrets, and troubling pasts, and at the center of it all – unfortunately, is not our child(ren), but the alienator themselves. The ultimate puppet master.
I asked Shirley Davis, Chief Staff Writer, and Trauma Expert with CPTSD Foundation, about this specific type of grief. She added, “Originating with a narcissistic or emotionally unstable parent, parental alienation has the power to overwhelm and injure children. The alienated parent (perhaps the father) is made into a pariah when the other parent (perhaps the mother) makes disparaging comments to their children. Parental alienation causes children to grow up to be adults feeling grief and loss because they love the alienated parent and cannot process what has happened.”
With generational familial disease, like parental alienation, healing from the trauma of grief can be overwhelming. Unlike finding online support groups for alcohol or drug abuse, mental health resources, and trauma support groups like CPTSD Foundation, when a targeted parent wishes to share – few can understand or even care to grapple with the thoughts we need to process. There are often times – when we do share with those outside our trusted walls that we feel our grief is minimalized. That is not a result of our feelings or truths, but the result of wondering what another might think to hear you have been estranged from your own child(ren). It’s a tough starting place, so my only urging is that alienated parents continue to tell their stories, align, and educate health care professionals, the legal system, and educational systems. When someone tells you they have been a victim of alienation, process those thoughts with an open mind. There are resources available to help you better understand what we survive through.
One draining aspect is a continued sense of hypervigilance within our communication. With this hypervigilance, a steady stream of tension surrounds targeted parents on how to and with whom to communicate these feelings forming a somewhat isolating tendency. And, in my opinion, this is a tough place to reside. Find the people in your life that are willing and able to do the research to correctly identify your feelings – even if they don’t quite understand them.
Written for and Inspired by the members of Parental Alienation Anonymous, for without you, my personal journey to find peace within would not have been restored.
Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.
Thank you for your article ,it was enlightening and powerful .The frustrating part though was when I read ,” to find the people in your life ,that are willing and able to do the research ….etc.” That ,I assume would be helpful,but sadly ,for me personally ( & perhaps others ?) …..I do not have that person ,any person in my life ,to reach out to,go help,assistance etc..Those in my family live in a world of ” forgive,forget,move on”…..and let it go or count your blessings ,etc…..I have learned ,now at age 61,to no longer seek out the route of Proff Counselors,Drs.etv ( & I was in the helping / profession,for 20 yrs) In that word ,everything must for into a neat little box ,and it is rare,if not almost impossible to find an indiv.highly skilled in trauma ( & not just on their long list of this is what I treat!) ….and as for C- PTSD or Complex Trauma ,my search for 4+ years has been exhausting,and yes I met with 4 who described themselves as highly skilled and experienced,etc ….Sever I stuck with for 5 sessions ……the last one spoke ,when I spoke up and stopped going after 10 sessions and said ” you have to really want this and be committed to therapy “…..The point is I felt not heard ,nor understood…..perhaps she should of asked ( as would I)…..are you feeling heard ,understood,etc…Any therapist ,counselor ,coach ,etc.neefd to be open to see if the issue can include ,that maybe this match up is not a good fit,or ask ….how can I better serve you or ..??? It was never a question for me of not being committed ,to the process ,but of,….flashing back ….how well do you know of complicated & ongoing C-PTSD…..any wise counselor ,coach ,Dr etc ,confident in their abilities ….could reply ,I am not well versed not skilled in C-PTSD,but I can research and perhaps find some references for you to explore……and do my search ,in the NJ ,and Phila area continued ……with no results !! Advertising their skills ,and specialties on Psy.Today is not an accurate nor valid method.One can have a license ,certif.,etc.pay the fee.,and be listed.No vetting is done …..anyway ,any sugg for C-PTSD indiv would be welcomed….I know Zoom & online is the new way,but I prefer and always will,in person….It forces me to be authentic and myself as I am distracted by a screen.Thank you again ,for your Excellent article .Christa
Thank you for your comment, Christa,
Parental Alienation (like most family disease) runs in cycles and is passed down generationally. Unfortunately, I can no longer afford therapy but was lucky enough for a few months to find a therapist who didn’t mind learning what parental alienation is. Most of the alienated parents I have come across had to educate their attorneys, judges on cases, physicians, therapists, and then some. The issue is PA is often encapsulated within a narcissistic personality disorder and there are almost always “family secrets” intertwined into this behavior model. People don’t acknowledge or discuss the subject because (despite millions of children who are targeted and alienated from their children) narcissists feel they need to protect the “family” unit, no matter how fucked up it is or was.
Thankfully I have found a 12-step recovery program (Parental Alienation Anonymous) so I can openly discuss these feelings, focus on hope, resiliency, and recovery, and clear my mind of unnecessary clutter. Not sure where I would be without it.
I am only recently able to share these stories. Until late 2021, was ill-prepared to write about them. Now that I am in a process of recovery, things have been getting clearer by the day. I see many patterns of behavior on my part and on the alienator’s part which amplifies examples of alienation throughout my daughter’s life – even as an infant – pulling my ex into court time after time when she violated the custody order. The result? A bitter ex-narc that thinks she won (despite me getting and retaining custody of my daughter for her entire life as a minor.
By learning to focus on continued behavior, it becomes easier to map out someone else’s strategy of reckoning. I see crystal clear now. I have mounds of evidence that will never be seen as my daughter is 1) emancipated, and there are no court possibilities until I release my book – then I think I’ll probably get sued which I am prepared for and 2) my daughter is now fully alienated and not looking back at any of our wonderful 18 years together. The ultimate loser in this situation is my daughter.
One silver lining: most alienated parents see the darkness, I am focused on the light. I have 18 years’ worth of memories that cannot be jarred, fucked with, or erased.
All the Best,
PMM
Hi Christa, when other’s response is along the lines of ‘forgive and forget’ etc I recognise that their lived-experience has been different to mine and they cannot fully comprehend what it is like to be inside my head or to walk my path, and I am grateful for that …. because who would wish this on anyone ….. right? 😛 I have very slowly, let myself release the need for validation by others as to how I feel and to try to ‘hear’ what they are saying without ‘listening and interpreting’ from my own scarred perspective [bracketing my own story out of the discussion], which is, ultimately, what I’m searching for when talking to others.
There is such a stark difference between those with theoretical or general knowledge and those with lived experience, whether they be an author, counsellor, lawyer, doctor etc. When you find one who has that lived experience and is skilled enough to bracket their own bias (story), you suddenly feel like you’ve won the lottery – they hear you and see you as a real person and that in itself dissipates some of the mind-fuckery – for me, anyway.
Hi Paul thank you for your article, it really struck a cord with me.
I often ask myself ‘how did I get here?’ but I already know the answer as looking back I clearly see how it all unfolded, how my ex-husband who is a covert-narcissist and predator, manipulated, deceived and played.
I see how he continues to deploy post-separation abuse on me even 2.5 years after separation, by the alientation of me with two of our four (adult) children. I see how once he no longer had ‘power’ over me, he amped up his covert abuse with the children who reside with him. Parental alienation in my eyes, is about control and punishment with multiple victims = the children, the alienated parent and even important members of the extended family.
The grief I feel, particularly as I was the stay-at-home parent and primary carer during our long-term marriage, at times threatens to swallow me. So, I hang onto the light reflecting off that one silver lining that you referred to in your comment above Paul; I have between 18-25 years of memories with my four children and one day, the two who remain estranged, will find the ground beneath their feet and find their way back.
Keep moving forward,
Sha
I greatly appreciate your comment, Sha. I am moving forward! And you nailed it with your memories comment, no one can take those away from us.
PMM
Thank you for your posts and for sharing your story. It has been 18 months since my daughter walked out of my life after years of attempts at alienation finally worked in her teen years. It was something I always feared deep down because of who I was attempting to coparent with, but somehow had convinced myself that it wouldn’t truly happen. She cut off my entire side of the family, including a sister who loves her, cousins, and grandparents.
Every day is hard and I just try to keep moving forward. There are more moments of peace and happiness than a year ago, but the hole in my heart will always be there I know.
So much of what you said hits home. Again, thank you for sharing.
Thank you all for sharing. I stumbled onto this site looking for some way I could do to try and help my husband. Ellen, your story rings familiar for my husband and myself. His ex and maternal grandmother have worked on alienating my husband’s daughter from him since she was 3. Her anger started building when she hit her teens. It’s been two years now and she wants nothing to do with us. My husband tried working with a reintegration therapist but after the first session his daughter was even more hostile. She has ‘divorced’ her dad’s entire side of the family. We still try to reach out and go to her school functions to try to show her we love and care about her but she won’t even look at us. It’s heartbreaking really and I wish I knew how to help my husband work through his grief.
This is THE crux, from https://www.beyondparentalalienation.com/understanding-how-complex-trauma-relates-to-parental-alienation-and-how-to-solve-it/ :
For a child to reject a parent …that takes a third party influence, it takes psychological manipulation and control of another trusted caregiver.
C-PTSD in relation to parental alienation is deliberately inflicted by another person. An abuser. As such, it is a crime, which is almost entirely ignored by the law and sidelined into the civil family courts, despite being on a par with kidnap or murder.
Idk how the mental health profession find their definitions, but C-PTSD is such an obvious outcome from having a child stolen in slow motion by an abuser, encouraged by the family courts and PA denial by misandric groups / social services. While society refuses to acknowledge female violence and female-on-male domestic and post-separation abuse, this will keep happening.
And the vast scale is not realised, because most men suffer in silence, are told to accept it by everyone around them. With no solution and no support, they simply live miserable lives and/or die of despair. While their children don’t realise until twenty years later, if ever, that they were robbed of a father.
And every case is different. To even have a child with a mother capable of denying your shared child a father, implies some sort of blind spot in choosing such a “partner” to commit to. A blind spot typical of people-pleasing born of an abusive childhood, which has already planted C-PTSD seeds for a life of trauma.
Death is far easier to deal with than PA and its resulting C-PTSD. Anyone who manages such vast grief and still goes on is superhuman.
Thank you for your comment. The Foundation is developing a program of support for those who deal with this complicated and very common family disease.