***Trigger Warning***

This guest post discusses specific, explicit, aspects of a personal trauma story. Please be kind to yourself as you read. 

Complex PTSD is a long-term condition caused by childhood abuse and trauma. A survivor is someone who was exposed to traumatic events repeatedly for a prolonged time. S/he kept the trauma locked inside the brain and the muscles all over the body long after the abuse has stopped. Complex PTSD can develop years after, or it may have always been there getting gradually worse as trauma memories start to surface. An individual living with this condition is going to have character traits that others do not who have never experienced prolonged traumatic events. In this post, I aim to explore how we as survivors living with Complex PTSD need to explain to those around us what it is like and what, if anything they can do to help.

Talking about feelings is not something most of us human beings are comfortable with. It takes a lot of trust to open up to someone about feelings. Talking about why we feel the way we do due to deeply engraved pain is almost impossible – a whole different ball game. Part of our healing journey as a survivor of abuse is to tell someone what happened to us. That is really hard to do and it can take years to open up completely. The wounds from trauma go far deeper than a normal wounds. The wounds ensnare your soul and entire human existence. Once you have opened up and told your story, the next step in healing is to try to explain it. By this I mean, explain how the hurt and pain of living with Complex PTSD affects us daily in our lives and how it affects those around us.

I have shared my story with most of my loved ones and my closest friends who know me and I trust them. I have also written my memoir and published it for the world to read. (The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against all odds available Amazon.com: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds eBook : Woods, Elizabeth: Kindle Store) I feel so much better knowing that my story is out there and people can share in my pain and know that there is life after abuse. My next step in my healing journey is to try and explain what it is like to live with Complex PTSD to the people who are closest to me. I know there are lots of us out there who struggle but we also take comfort in the fact that our future is free of abuse. We make our new lives, surrounded by people who we choose to be with.

Sure, we all have different character traits. We are all unique, and from different backgrounds, and that should be celebrated not berated. What would our world be like if everyone liked Reese’s chocolates? What if everyone wanted to be lawyers and attorneys? The world would soon become boring and insular. I like the fact that we are all different human beings and it makes me feel safe in the jungle of all our individualities. It is okay to be yourself and as far as I see it, the only way to live. I might be in the minority to say that I treat everyone the same, whether it is my boss or a friend. I am still me – Elizabeth or whatever nickname my friends choose to call me. I will always be me and I will not change for anyone. I have lived through so much and if people do not like me, then it is their problem, not mine. I choose to be around people who want to be with me. Life is too short to pretend to be someone you’re not. Hold your head up high and know that you are on this earth for a reason, and you do matter. You will find your path if you haven’t already and be around the right people.

Have you shared your story about your past with those closest to you? How did it feel to share your story? Did you feel lighter? I definitely felt lighter and better to share my pain with someone I trusted. Their reaction to my past and continuous support has been life-changing for me. If you have not shared your story do you plan to share it with someone you can trust when you are ready? Is it something you could consider to help you in your healing journey?

Telling your loved ones about your past is one thing but what happens after that? Okay, so you told them? Now what? How did they react? Now that they know, it’s all in the open and you can go on with life, right? NO, absolutely NOT! This is only the first step. Telling someone who has not been abused is not the same thing as explaining how your background affects you every day. It does need explaining because your loved ones will want to know how they can help you feel better. It can take a long time but it is vital that you try. Someone who has not been abused will not understand what it is like to be you. I can only liken it to two people from very different backgrounds getting to know each other. If someone cares about you enough, they will want to hear you out.

Explaining Triggers

Triggers are little reminders that can happen any time of day or night to a survivor of childhood abuse. We get reminded suddenly of a very painful memory often without warning. It is caused by the senses being triggered unconsciously on a primal level. I can only describe these triggers as being plunged into ice water and then as suddenly as the pain is there, it goes away. Sometimes the trigger causes a 3D live cinematic movie playing just for you, reliving the traumatic event. It can last a few minutes. When this happens, the body tenses up and you freeze as if under attack. It is kind of like a seizure for someone watching. I guess it is a bit like being attacked, except it is your past coming back to life in a very real way. I have tried to explain this trigger experience to my husband. Helping him to understand what is going on. He often doesn’t know what to do to help me. He tells me my face drains of all color, I go deathly pale and I whimper to myself. He says he feels powerless when a trigger happens. It must be so scary seeing a loved one in this state but for my long-suffering husband, it is part of our life. We talk about them afterward.

As survivors of abuse, most of us have the usual triggers from drugs and alcohol. The smell of someone’s breath in a bar can set me off into shivering and recoiling away. The smell of weed in the air has the same effect. I am sure there are many of you out there who have at some point or other reacted to the smell of alcohol or drugs. People in general can understand that this is a trigger because alcohol makes people inebriated and not in control of their actions. Someone in this state can terrify me, especially when violence is involved. The world is ready to hear about being afraid of drunken behavior.

Music is another trigger that can strike at any moment. A song played in early childhood, long forgotten can rear its ugly head anywhere when you least expect it. It happened to me as I was shopping in the mall. I waddled into the baby store at 9 months pregnant, buying my baby’s first clothes.  The store PA system gently played a lullaby as the cashier rang up my order of these beautiful baby clothes. I burst into tears and cried so hard my body shook. That poor cashier thought I had gone into labor! She showed me incredible compassion and kindness and by the time the lullaby had finished, I was sat in a comfy chair, a glass of water in my hand, and was surrounded by three young women staring down at me. I had no idea how I had gotten into that chair or how I got a glass of water. I had been somewhere else entirely and not where I ever wanted to be again. I did have labor pains but they were only fake contractions. Luckily, my son stayed put for another day to give me time to get myself together for the birth.

As survivors, we all have our own unique triggers because our experiences of abuse are all different. The pain and hurt are all the same but where and how the abuse happened was different for all of us. This is why we can only explain our own triggers and how they affect us.

Personal Triggers with Food

Do you have foods that trigger you? Do you have certain foods that take you right back to your childhood like a time capsule? How do you deal with them? Have you told anyone how you feel? Once you are told that trust someone, do you have their support to help you?

I have real trouble with whipped cream and coffee creamer as my trigger because my young brain likened this texture to semen. I cannot stand it but people around me keep forgetting because it is something “everyone” enjoys eating and adding to their coffees. Well, not everyone! I keep having to explain that I don’t like cream at parties and celebrations.  I get weird comments like “everyone likes cream” and “I only added a splash to your coffee as I know you don’t like it”. I know people mean well but it really makes me want to hurl and I break out into hives. I have done it many times! It is embarrassing. “Was it something she ate”, “maybe it is the stomach flu”. I want to tell everyone in the room but it is not something you want to share with the entire world. The cream makes me sick to my stomach, that’s all, I say. People tend to accept that.  Like a lactose intolerant type allergy. Yeah, that’s what I have. I admit defeat. How can I tell people the truth? No one can truly understand what it is like to be forced to have oral sex with gorillas 4 times your size forcing their very large members in your throat until you gag on the liquid that comes out of it. It is terrifying! The cream takes me back to those moments every time. Even coffee creamer or a small amount of cake can affect me. I’ve explained this to my husband and he cringes each time. He just doesn’t want the mental picture in his head. I feel for him, I really do but I also need him to understand that those memories are what I live with every time I get offered cream. I avoid it and my husband supports me and has my back at parties. Having that support helps me a lot.

Triggers That Are Difficult to Explain

I have another trigger that is a certain type of comforter made of down feathers.  I know some people see “down feathers” to be the best quality of bedding but for me, they are not soft and warm. They make me feel strangled. I simply cannot use this kind of comforter to go to sleep. I would rather have a sleeping bag. It is easy to avoid this trigger at home but as soon as we travel and stay away from home we are at the mercy of others. I know my trigger happens because I was forced to sleep with my so-called dad in his huge bed with the thickest down feathered comforter I had ever seen. I associate it with the abuse I endured and the feeling of being strangled with the weight of my abuser on top of me. No matter how much I tell myself that the abuse happened a long time ago, the feel of that type of comforter takes me back every time. I have learned that the only way to not offend people is to bring my own comforter. It gets tricky when we travel out of the country but with my husband’s help, we manage.

After reading this post, can you see how sharing your experience with triggers can affect the people who are closest to you? If someone loves you, they will feel your pain too and they will want to understand why you act the way you do. They will understand you much better if you share your triggers with them. They may even help protect you from them. Telling someone why you act the way you do to certain triggers can help your loved ones support you through the worst moments.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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Elizabeth Woods

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. She suffered sexual abuse throughout her childhood and witnessed unspeakable events. Elizabeth survived in an environment where most people would not. She is now able to help other survivors heal from trauma through her writing and blogs. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. There is always hope.

Elizabeth is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Offenders-Daughter-Story-Survival-Against-ebook/dp/B0BBSV97VF/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=0pSdX&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_p=cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_r=134-9913214-5397651&pd_rd_wg=MPpMc&pd_rd_r=d375a758-2d9b-4c6e-9aee-52c1f5a4e6f7&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith” available here:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQRNST2B?binding=kindle_edition&qid=1711883073&sr=8-2&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tkin