We, as people, have forgotten who we really are
We live in a complex world. Our society is fast-paced and almost devoid of feeling in the internet era and incessant conference calls between continents. Since the COVID-19 pandemic, our lives have become even more insular as our workforce now has the choice to work from home. We may be talking to people worldwide every day for work, but what do those conversations really mean? Everything we say and do seems meaningless and work-focused. We used to be social creatures who depended on one another for comfort and survival. We, as people, have forgotten who we really are.
No one is listening anymore, and because of miscommunication and deep conflicts, unrest has built and developed into wars and despair in many places around the world. Many people out there are desperate and suffering. It is almost incomprehensible for us who are not living in a war zone or countries with cruel dictatorships and political turmoil. We do not understand each other.
Our world was not always fractured like this. It is only in the last one hundred or so years that our world has changed to be almost unrecognizable. Our world used to be slower. People lived off the land, and communities were forced to rely on each other to survive. Everyone knew each other and supported one another at times of unrest. Who can really claim to even have that kind of connection now to the people who live in the house next door or the apartment above?
Do you know who your neighbors are? What do they do, and where did they come from? What is their life story? Do you know anything about them at all other than their names?
This distance creates a deep rift in the very essence of our society
The simple truth is that we do not know each other anymore, and this distance creates a deep rift in the very essence of our society. We have allowed ourselves to become fragmented. We do not know the people we live amongst. In fact, in most bigger cities, people can live alone in an apartment complex full of people. We live our lives alone amid the masses; all we see of our neighbors is when they enter their apartments. We might give them a nod in the hallway, but most people do not stop to chat. The suburbs are different because people live in bigger houses that are spread apart by big yards and parks. Here, people need to drive past neighboring houses to get to their homes. We see people arrive home and park in their driveway, and we may even stop to chat over the picket fences that separate our yards. Our kids may play together in the streets, which creates connections between families.
Where do you live? Do you have people who support you in your apartment complex or neighborhood? Who can you turn to when you need someone to lean on?
The simple truth is that not everyone has a support network. Many people feel marginalized and live alone. These people may be survivors of some kind of trauma or horrific event. We hear of soldiers returning home from war zones and not coping with readjusting to our world. Decorated war heroes become homeless and sleep on our streets at night in the cold and rain.
No one chooses this life – to be completely alone. We are social creatures
There are always reasons that are complex and painful, but those reasons make us pull away from people and live alone. Why doesn’t anyone care anymore? What has happened to us to allow this to happen? You only have to enter one of our big cities, and you find homeless people sleeping in the subways, doorways, and park benches. These people entered this world in the same way we did. They may be alone right now, but they were once the product of love. Of two people creating a new human being. What happened to them? How did our world become so disengaged and unfeeling?
As a survivor of trauma and abuse, I look around and see all the despair and pain in our world. I feel it intensely like so many of you who are abuse survivors. I grew up like many kids in a big city in a large apartment block filled with strangers who didn’t know me or my family. Nowadays, you only have to turn on the news, and you have a front seat to the horrors that are happening everywhere. I see people’s pain just from how they are walking or by looking into their eyes. I know that pain myself, only too well. Eyes are incredibly powerful windows into how an individual is feeling. I can tell from just a look if someone is in pain. I just know.
I wish the world was a better place rather than in so much pain. I wish I could help the man I passed in the subway just this morning on my way to work. He looked hungry and destitute and had pleading, hollow eyes. His eyes were of a haunted man who had seen too much. I never carry cash anymore, so I left him the coffee that I was carrying in my hand. I just set it in front of him, and our eyes met briefly. It was enough for me, and I left him with tears pooling in my eyes. I couldn’t bear the situation as I caught my ride to work. I’m sure you have all seen people like him in our cities. They are everywhere, and each one of them is lost. It should not be this way.
They told me that I was worthless and brainwashed
I consider myself lucky. I left an impossible childhood filled with abuse and trauma behind me, and somehow, I landed on my feet and not out on the street. As a teenager, I managed to keep a steady paycheck and get myself through college and graduate school with a roof above my head. I made it despite my pain. Maybe I should say instead that I made it because of my pain. I was driven to succeed because I had seen worse. I know that not everyone can do it. It is not easy, and I have felt despair more times in my years, struggling through work and night school, living paycheck to paycheck. It is a life that so many people live. I was lost, just like the man I met on the subway, but I chose not to give up. I chose to live and seek my revenge on the people who hurt me by making something of myself. I grew up, and with every year I survived, I surpassed the expectation that I would die if I left. My abusers were always telling me that I would never be able to support myself in the world and be miserable trying. They told me that I was worthless and brainwashed. Those words have haunted me for years. I am not miserable – far from it. I know now that my abusers would have said and done anything to keep hurting me. As a child, I had no reason not to believe them. If I didn’t do what they asked, I wouldn’t have eaten that day. It was as simple as that. I got busy living by the only way I knew, which was by dissociating. I shut out my emotions and lived inside my own head. I shut the pain and emotions out completely and became a robot, and it worked for me while growing up.
Many survivors live this way
Living without feeling is not a life worth living. It simply exists, and I know many survivors live this way. It took me years after I left my abusers to feel again, and it was a gradual process. I started to appreciate things, but those feelings were alien to me. I started seeing color in the world. A simple smile from a kind stranger or the laughter from a child enjoying her ice cream on the beach. Wherever I went, I saw people who were not in pain. I started seeing that there really was life after trauma, and I wanted it really bad. I reached for it and grabbed it. I started to have hope, and I started replacing my nightmares with happiness. I was beginning to heal.
Everyone has feelings and thoughts. It is what makes us human beings. We live our lives, and we feel things. We can’t help it, but as trauma survivors, we try to ignore those glimmers of happiness. We do not always allow ourselves to feel or let people in because we cannot bear more pain. Our senses affect us wherever we go or whoever we meet. We cannot help feeling. As a trauma survivor, feelings have always equaled indescribable pain, but as I grew more distant from my past, I discovered that all I had to do was open my heart and let people in. This is not easy to do, and trust me, it takes time to let go of that awful, heavy, deep pain inside and trust that life can be good.
You are what you sow and reap. If you wake up drinking and shutting yourself away from people, you are not trying. If you wake up each day with an open mindset to try to smile and be positive, your day will be easier. I guarantee it. I have lived it, and yes, it took me many days when I just couldn’t smile and be positive, but I was determined to try. I threw myself into situations that forced me to carry on. I wanted to live, and I craved happiness. I used my strength and willpower to go out and take my shot at life. I told myself that I was never going back and I would never be like them. The pain I was feeling would end with me, and I promised myself that I would be happy one day. I made myself believe that not all people are abusers. It took some time, and it may sound crazy to those of you reading this who have not suffered trauma. If you have only ever experienced abuse and pain, it is difficult at first to trust people because you do not want to be hurt more. It can take years to open up for the first time and feel because those feelings have only been painful so far.
Life after trauma and abuse is not easy. We live in a very difficult, complex, and fast-paced world. People are so used to seeing horrific events and actions that trauma has almost become a way of life. It happens everywhere, and people are almost desensitized by it. It shouldn’t be, but it is. A trauma survivor does not get a pass at life. We live life the same way as others, but because of our pasts, we feel so much more. Situations that most people shrug off affect us in a deep and profound way because of what we have lived through. Life is worth it, despite the pain and those pesky feelings. Feelings are there for us to make sense of our world. We need them to live.
If you are a trauma survivor like me, I want you to practice saying yes to life. Hold your head up high and believe that things will get better in your life. It will get easier to go out and meet people. Embrace new situations and open your heart to the fact that there is more. There is so much more out there than trauma and suffering. You have to believe it. Life is worth living, and this change in mindset starts with you. The seasons are changing in the northern hemisphere. Our days are getting longer and we have warmer days coming. Go out there and meet with people. Try and get out of your own comfort zone and have a go at something new. Take a class or join the gym. I guarantee you will meet new people on the way who have similar interests as you.
You have been through so much and all you need to do is be open to life. Don’t let anyone stand in your way anymore. You are strong. Say yes to life!
I enjoy listening to music, and I find that it helps lift my mood if I have a bad day. There is a song I listen to when I am down and need a little help to motivate me. It is by Rachel Platten called “Fight Song”. Have a listen and see if it helps you. Trust your instincts and go out there. Fight for your right to life. Say yes!
Fight Song by Rachel Platten.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6dEX5H5jLI
Photo by Kier in Sight Archives on Unsplash
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Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. She suffered sexual abuse throughout her childhood and witnessed unspeakable events. Elizabeth survived in an environment where most people would not. She is now able to help other survivors heal from trauma through her writing and blogs. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. There is always hope.
Elizabeth is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Offenders-Daughter-Story-Survival-Against-ebook/dp/B0BBSV97VF/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=0pSdX&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_p=cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_r=134-9913214-5397651&pd_rd_wg=MPpMc&pd_rd_r=d375a758-2d9b-4c6e-9aee-52c1f5a4e6f7&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk
Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith” available here:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQRNST2B?binding=kindle_edition&qid=1711883073&sr=8-2&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tkin
Dear Elizabeth, thank you for your passion and energy felt in this article. As survivors, we do feel things more intensely and I appreciate the power of your message to bring hope to people. I have read your bio and know that you have come a long way. I wish you the best in your continued recovery.