Even though I am a psychology and sociology professor, I couldn’t see the abuse in my own home. It is embarrassing to admit, but I think telling the truth is important. Like so many people who go into careers working with people, I felt somehow; I could change the tendencies in him that I did not like. I also loved that he needed me. If he needed me, I told myself he wouldn’t leave me.

As a psychologist, I now realize that I had significant attachment issues. Of course, these were acquired over a lifetime, and like anything that grows slowly, we tend to grow accustomed before we grow aware.

My journey towards healing began when I became ill. A doctor had told me that I was diabetic, and I was terrified of having a heart attack like my father had when he was 42. So, I decided that I would hire a dietitian and a trainer. I began to lose weight and build muscle.

My husband, at the time, was very angry that I was losing weight and taking care of myself. We would get into circular arguments, and I was always left holding the blame. He was continuously telling me that he never said things he said, that he hadn’t done things he had done, and that I was terribly misunderstanding everything that was happening around me. He told me I was crazy so many times that I eventually got a therapist.

It turned out that a therapist, dietitian, and trainer were a dynamic combination. Not only was I able to reverse the diabetes, but I was also able to address some serious issues that were affecting me on the emotional plane. As my body changed, I began to see my own power. This impacted me psychologically, and I was able to see things that I could not see clearly before.

You see, I believed I was insane! And I was tired of being crazy. I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I wanted to understand. Even though my body was changing, I was still unhealthy overall. I was constantly anxious; my hair was turning gray, and my self-esteem was in the toilet. I was growing sicker even as my body was transforming.

I rewrote my relationship with my own mind

My husband and I were well past the honeymoon stage that abusers benefit from so much. We had moved into a major gaslighting stage, and he had grown violent. Like my father, he told me that his violent behavior was my fault. The story was so familiar to me that I did not question it. I only hated myself for not being able to stop him from being so upset. I was angry at myself for not being able to keep him happy.

Over the course of almost a year, with my therapist, dietitian, and trainer, I rewrote my life. I rewrote my relationship with food, my relationship with my body, and most importantly, I rewrote my relationship with my own mind. I was learning to trust myself for the first time. I had not yet realized the degree to which I was shifting my life through these very important choices, and I must admit that I do believe the universe was on my side.

My psychologist was instrumental during this journey, as I learned to take better care of myself, she mirrored back to me who I was, and in doing so she was able to help me see myself with new eyes. I was a strong, powerful, resilient woman. I began to feel better; I was less anxious and more in control. I trusted myself to believe the truths in my own mind over the false claims of my husband. I understood that I was not crazy. I was the victim of gaslighting.

As my husband lost control of the false narrative that used to control me, he turned more and more violent. I felt overwhelmed in some ways and in control in others. It was a confusing time filled with false accusations, violence, and fear.

I saw the psychologist for nine months before I asked the most important question I could ever have asked. I asked her, “Am I being abused?”. She leaned forward, her eyes intent upon mine, and said, gently and lovingly, “Yes. I think you are. What do you think?” It is a moment I will never forget. It was a moment of total truth. I was bare, vulnerable, and terrified as I responded in a choked-up voice, “Yes. I think so too.”

The day I validated myself and spoke the truth was one of the most important days of my life. Today, I am in love with my life. I am free in a way that I never dreamed possible. The journey is not easy, but it is worth it.

Image by Freddy from Pixabay

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Kechi Mourer

In addition to serving as a college administrator in higher education, I am also a Psychology and Sociology Professor. Perhaps, most importantly, like many of you, I am a survivor of abuse and relational trauma. I write to raise awareness about how we can align with the best parts of ourselves. My writing focuses on the social and psychological factors that guide our decision making.