For a long time, as an alienated parent, I purposely structured my days to adhere to a simple mindset: Do not get into a conversation regarding my daughter.
Those days have come to an end.
It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.
This simple yet practical behavior was steadfastly rooted in the guilt, grief, and shame that clouds an alienated parent’s mind. Opening oneself to those conversations epitomized a fight or flight trigger – neither of which was a healthy choice. The guilt of tragically losing a child who is still alive but is abused to believe the targeted parent has no value in their life. The grief of the loss – where a loving relationship once stood became emptiness. The shame that somehow the mistakes I had made as a parent had some negative effect on my child’s life led to the death of the parent/child relationship. Then there is the unspoken trauma that burns like midnight oil when I’m trying to sleep – how are others judging me? It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.
I suffered for months with the agony that no parent ever expects. Something so foreign and strange. Something irreversible.
I had known in the past, through a series of actions and behaviors from the alienating parent, that maintaining a solid relationship with my daughter was the most important thing I could foster. I did believe that the bond was unbreakable despite clearly seeing patterns of abuse, parental alienation, and covert narcissism oozing from the alienating parent. This was not slow and progressive like sap from a tree. This narcissistic abuse flowed like a levee breach – inundating all aspects of the narcissist’s life – and everyone in it.
Make no mistake. I am an alienated parent, and I have suffered significant loss. However, I have chosen to use that loss to take action and help as many people in the alienated community as possible—one conversation at a time.
Over the years, I have learned two essential truths:
- There is absolutely nothing I could have said or done to stop my child from being alienated from me;
- The only way to live my best life is to discuss the taboo subject it is openly
We must open up and talk about this treacherous family disease. We must remember it is generational and passed down through family systems. Discussing it is the only way it becomes un-taboo and brings it out of the shadows. Our collective voices may not be all healing; however, they serve as a roadmap to find solace within the walls of alienation. We can better ourselves with support, empathy, and camaraderie. A reminder to all alienated parents: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
On Tuesday, October 1st, 2024, the CPTSD Foundation will launch the PASS Program: Parental Alienation Support Systems. This group will be held on Zoom every Tuesday evening at 6 p.m. EST and is open to any alienated parent (and other family). These meetings will be a forum for all alienated parents to talk a little about their situations, feel less alone and more connected, and focus on strategies for understanding and self-care. We will not provide individual advice – the group is meant to be self-sustaining, fueled by your shares.
Personally, the loss of my daughter doesn’t quite sting as much as the child abuse she has endured for years from narcissistic and child abuse. It’s nothing short of tragic, and sets up another generation of alienation.
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Tracing the Family Dynamic
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The Necessity of Self-Care
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Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
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Gaslighting
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Trauma-Bonding
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The Loss of a Living Child
Providing members with a list of resources, mental health tools, literature recommendations, and TED-type events/engagements.
Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.
At first, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I should read this again. Yes but no. It’s true what you say. I was estranged from my only child, an adult for 9 years along with 2 granddaughters. Why? She won’t talk about it or go to a therapist together. So I play the only role she gives to me after asking who I was dating? No one for 12 years. You see I have lived most of my life as a lesbian. I left her father 38 years ago to start a real life. I made many mistakes. But not any worth the abandonment I have suffered. She left the state with her husband, daughters, and father nine years ago. Zero communication. I fear she will cut me off again but this time if she does I will not suffer. I know who I am and my table is big enough to include her if she wants it. I fear she doesn’t. She has chosen a way of life that judges me. I am not proud of her anymore for she is lost following the wrong institutions and people.
I am definitely interested in attending a zoom group.
Thank You
Hi Paul –
While I cannot personally relate to the trauma of parental alienation, I wanted to say I think it is wonderful that the CPTSD Foundation is conquering this topic through the PASS Program. It’s a great thing that you took your own pain of a taboo topic and are sparking conversations about it with others who may be suffering in silence.
Thanks, Natalie!