It was over 30 years ago when I found myself barely clinging to life. After suffering a mental breakdown and attempting suicide, the world I faced was nearly incomprehensible from where I could have envisioned it being. I found myself physically alive, yet I was dead in most aspects. I was living in the present, yet my mind was repeatedly undulating through the myriad of issues and trauma of the past. I was physically present, but often found myself somewhere else, drifting in and out of reality and sometimes consciousness.
My body ached constantly, yet my brain and face surpassed that and became continually numb. My thoughts and actions had become mechanized, and the emotion of life had disappeared; nor was I capable of feeling or accepting it. I had come to a place of having a limited understanding of who and where I was, but remained unable to discern much of anything. The journey forward would be punishing, and many years later, I would be diagnosed with CPTSD.
At the time, there were few resources, and in hindsight, they were not only inadequate for what I was facing, but they mostly didn’t exist. Looking through my rear-view mirror, I can only imagine how my healing trajectory may have progressed had there been trauma-informed therapists, social media, articles on the internet, and most importantly, a public willing to acknowledge it. But there wasn’t any of this despite my efforts to find the help I desperately needed. And culturally, there was little compassion for mental illness, and more so, it was socially unacceptable to discuss it.
So I found myself leaning into the only tool I had: writing my feelings on paper.
Admittedly, I was a fairly poor writer at the time, but as I would come to learn, that was not the point. And little did I realize, my years of journaling would probably create one of the clearest memoirs of what it is like to be mentally ill with CPTSD. But I continued expressing my feelings at all times of the day and would often do it on scraps of paper or the margins of some printed document.
Sometimes the thoughts were cogent, but decades later, much was rambling and incoherent.
Having come from a dysfunctional family, my emotional maturity and understanding of an array of human feelings were low. Yet all of this was my reality. Part of my life was coherent, namely work, where I pulled off one of the greatest acts ever, but the rest was the dark hours that I mentally battled into the night. At one point, I wrote “the days are long and the nights even longer,” lamenting the end of the utter and unrelenting agony I was facing. I was scared to fall asleep.
In hindsight, as I moved into a daily journaling rhythm, I learned the importance of it as an incredibly powerful tool in one’s healing journey. It is not the style or length, but the fact that you are downloading complex and often indecipherable concepts, so you can not only get them out of your head, but create a strategy to deal with them. And having written for three plus decades, here are some approaches to embrace, many of which I wish had been taught to me early on:
• Writing – this is not an English paper. Grammar, style, neatness, spelling, and word choice do not matter. The goal is to get the barrage of information out of your head, whether it be fragmented sentences, a few words, lists, goals, dreams, etc. Repeating the same concepts is good as well, until you can master how to move forward with it.
• Highlighting – after journaling, underline a few key words and add an entry date. The value of this information is not always immediate, and by preparing in advance, you can find a specific thought for future reference or additional exploration. I found this particularly helpful with ruminating thoughts and dreams.
• Recording – with my memory gone, I found that writing before, during, and after doctor or therapist visits became crucial. This allowed me to use the limited time in appointments effectively and to reflect further on key topics later. In some cases, I forgot everything, so I had to learn the information again.
• Saving – while I would come to write a book about my experience, I wish I had organized these writings in a more logical way. In fact, decades later, I found a banker’s box of notes. While you might think of using a diary, I might suggest a binder, as you can tape small pieces of paper onto larger sheets or use plastic sleeves.
• Securing – your notes may be very personal, and consideration to safeguard them is important. Most notably, never take it to work unless you can keep it on your person. This is where the small pieces of paper came into play. If privacy at home is an issue, be creative about where you keep it.
When I meet people who are early in their healing, I ask them whether they journal, and I am surprised how few do. To reframe the importance of this, if you are only seeing a therapist once or twice a month, this has to be supplemented by positive actions that offset the plethora of negative ones.
In my case, I was probably consuming hundreds of hours each month when not at work. I could say anything to myself at any time of the day, and I would not be judged, though admittedly, I was hard on myself at times. I would continue journaling heavily for at least ten years, and this would be what led me away from my past. In 2024, after finding thousands of notes, I realized there was enough content to help others, and so here begins my first article with CPTSD Foundation.
I look forward to sharing more with you.
Kevin Macomber is the author of the PTSD memoir Walking From The Shadows – My Journey With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as an advocate and speaker for awareness on the topic.
Photo Credit: Unsplash
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