If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that I talk a lot about awareness and acceptance. They are crucial for healing from trauma, and they are crucial to properly advocate for your child. My husband was able to get the help he needed to get sober when he closed the door on denial and chose awareness and acceptance. Awareness and acceptance are also necessary components of a healthy marriage.
This post about acceptance is especially hard for me to write because it is about my mother. My mother is many things to me. For a long time, she was the center of my world. I wanted more than anything to get her approval. I believed that somehow she would become the mother I needed if I kept believing and trying.
I knew she did terrible things to me, and as an adult, I realized those things were abusive. Yet, I have fond memories of her too. In some ways, the good memories made it harder to accept the truth. I have memories of her singing songs to me, rubbing my stomach when it hurt, and playing games with her.
When Brielle was born, I was determined to be the mother to her that I never had. Still, I hoped my mother could be a part of my life and part of my child’s life. After all, she was my mother, and she was Brielle’s grandmother. Although I hated what she had done to me, I loved her.
Several times over the course of my daughter’s life my mother got mad at me, and as a result, would stop talking to my daughter. I warned my mom that this couldn’t happen. My daughter deserved consistency, and it wasn’t healthy to have my mom in and out of my daughter’s life. It was confusing and painful to try to wrap my mind around that when I was a child, and I didn’t want that happening to my daughter. I told my mom that she and I had to be amicable for my daughter’s sake.
Two years ago, my mother and I got into an argument. On that fateful day, she told me she didn’t like me and wanted nothing to do with me. I felt like a knife had been plunged into my heart.
I reminded her that her granddaughter is a child and there was no way she could see my daughter without making some sort of arrangements with me. She refused to communicate with me and sent me an email threatening to sue me for visitation rights. As angry as this made me, it also made me incredibly sad. She would rather take me to court than be cordial with me for the sake of her granddaughter? I knew on a rational level that her behavior was erratic at best but knowing that my mom would go to such lengths to avoid me made me feel like the problem was me.  What was wrong with me that my mother could just throw me away?
After decades of wishing upon a star for my mother to love me, I looked at my innocent child and had to face reality.  My mother would never be someone I could count on for emotional support. She is incapable of unconditional love. I also knew that if I allowed her in my child’s life, it was inevitable that she would do this to my daughter too.
I knew my mother would eventually contact me (this wasn’t my first rodeo with her), and I made the decision to go no contact with her. I unfriended her on Facebook and removed her from my email and phone contact list. My daughter knew that her grandmother was constantly in and out of her life, and I had to explain to her that that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and I wasn’t going to allow that.  One day perhaps I’ll tell my daughter about my horrific childhood, but for now, I want her to know as little as possible.  I had my innocence ripped away from me as a child, and I am determined to not have that repeat with my child.
My mother texted me a year ago. She said she missed me and her granddaughter. Â It took every ounce of strength not to respond.
I’d like to say that I decided to go no contact with my mom because it is what was best for me. Although that is true, the reason I had the courage to do this was because of my daughter. I never wanted her to feel the pain of loving someone who could throw you away without a moment’s hesitation.
I have moments of weakness where I think about the fact that my mother is getting older. I feel a wave of sadness that my mother is now a stranger to me. Guilt absolutely creeps in from time to time, along with grief. I am mourning the loss of the mother I had and the loss of never having the mother I needed.
It is a personal decision to go no contact, and everyone is entitled to decide what is best for them. For those of you that have gone no contact with someone who has brought you tremendous pain and suffering, I hope it brings you some comfort to know that I understand how hard it is to make that choice. I also recognize the bravery and strength it takes to do this.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you when making (and continuing) this choice is to ask yourself if this person is capable of change. The definition of insanity is making the same choice over and over again, expecting a different result.  I realized that I was acting insane for being on this endless roller coaster with her, and hoping each time that it could change, that she could change.
It was a hard pill to swallow that I will never have the mother I needed. It took decades of denial for me to get to a place where I was aware and accepted that she cannot be a mother to me in the real sense of the word. Having her in my life would only bring pain to me and to my daughter. I will never allow anyone to do that to my child, even if the perpetrator is my own mother. To give my daughter the childhood that she deserves, I had to close the door on the person who destroyed mine.
I have had to accept a lot of hard truths in my life. Sometimes it took some time for me to get there, and other times I looked awareness and acceptance straight in the eyes. What I’ve learned is that you can’t reach the light at the end of the tunnel unless you are willing to walk through darkness. I never claimed that acceptance and going no contact is easy. However, like Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
originally published on Surviving Mom Blog
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I am a native New Yorker, but I currently live in Atlanta with my husband, rambunctious 8-year-old daughter, our 2 cats, and our hyper dog. Writing has always been my outlet. I have contributed to numerous publications, including The Mighty, Thought Catalog, Morning Lazziness, Authority Magazine, Her View from Home, and Thrive Global.
I believe writing helped me become the person and mother that I am today. I created Surviving Mom Blog (www.survivingmomblog.com), where I write about surviving abuse and the struggles of of life, relationships, and motherhood. Please head over to the blog, where my hope is that my words provide support, validation and comfort to others in their own healing journeys.
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Hi Randi,
Thank you for these wise words! Your daughter is so fortunate to have your love and strength. I too, “wished upon a star” for healthy parents who could love me. Accepting that they will not change, and not having them in my life, is one of the hardest parts of healing. It’s been 13 years, and like you I grieved and mourned. My perfectly imperfect, healthy, and loving relationships with my husband and three grown children are worth it all.
Kudos to you for breaking the cycle and giving your daughter and yourself the great gift of love.
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your circumstances. I’m so sorry your parents were unable to give you the love you deserve. Acceptance is always the hardest part of healing, and it takes enormous strength and bravery to do so. It is no easy task to stop the cycle, so kudos to you as well for breaking the cycle of abuse with your children. Your husband and children are lucky to have you!
Hi Randi, I was encouraged by reading your post. It takes a lot of strenght to speak out online — and passion to protect your daughter in the best ways you can. It’s a huge challenge having a living parent that is unstable, especially with your hard-won awareness of the damage she can still do to your daughter. Painful, if not healthy boundaries!
In my 20s-30s I wish I’d been strong enough to raise a family (let alone establish a healthy long term relationship), but I chose not to have children out of fear I’d “be like my mom” who was borderline. There was always that paradox of “I’m supposed to love my mom — maybe someday she’ll apologize and become a consistently loving mom,” and “what did I do wrong? why does she repeatedly rage and say she never wants to see me again?”
By the time she’d had a couple of strokes in her 80s, I hoped that maybe she’d found some lasting peace and I could finally get to know her. Plus, my dad was anxious to get help, take care of her and continue “keeping her safe,” which meant keeping her calm and not abusing him. I was also curious about my dad, whom I never knew much about. My dad was mostly clueless about what was happening at home when his 4 kids were in school, he was always at work. Although mom attempted suicide and had many other dramatic episodes at home, he was always committed to being her caretaker and making sure after all his children distanced themselves, we would avoid encounters with her that might set her off.Â
Now I’m almost 70, learning more about CPTSD, and making sense of the struggle with my mom and myself. Even 15 years after my parents’ death, I am becoming aware of the results of self-loathing behavior. I’m breathing easier, feeling compassion for my mom who became a perpetrator of what happened to her as an infant.
Breaking the cycle and sharing about it is helpful to all who seek understanding and community. Thanks for offering a place to share about this.
Hi, Jeanne!
Your story touched my heart and brought me to tears. So much of what you shared resonated with me.
I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through. I completely understand your paradoxical thinking, as it was the exact thought process I had for most of my life. You have done everything possible to stop the cycle, and that demonstrates a huge act of selflessness.
It is wonderful that you are trying to learn more about CPTSD and gain awareness. Acceptance and awareness are the crucial ingredients for self-love and compassion. I hope that you continue to heal and show compassion for yourself along your healing journey.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Sending hugs!
Hi Randi!! The situation you described is exactly what happened to me 3 years ago with my mother (also the pain during traumatic childhood). I could write this article in the same words!
Initially going no contact was very hard, I had a lot of self-doubt and anger, but with time and work I swallowed the hard pill and accepted the truth. She enjoyed destroying my life, she never changed and I had to accept the idea that she was not/is not my family.
Now that she is out of my life I feel relief and I don’t want to know or hear anything about her.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Big hug
Hi, Dami!
I’m so glad that you are able to see how much better off you are without her! That takes so much strength and self-awareness. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience with me. Sending lots of hugs to you!
Thank you very much for your post. It rings so true for me too. Like Deanne (commenter), I did not want to have children because I was afraid I would treat my children the way she treated me. I moved 1800 miles away when I was 19 but I never cut ties with her. I was never sure whether the problem was with me or her. I remained unmarried and childless until I was swept off my feet at 35, married, and gave birth to my daughter at 36. When my daughter was six months old, I realized the problem was with my mother and I cut all ties with her for 2.5 years. Then one day she showed up at my door, asking for my forgiveness. I was so shocked but also delighted. Big mistake. Over the years she tried to treat my daughter the way she had treated me but I always stood in the gap between them, at my daughter’s defense. Contact was minimal but enough for my daughter to understand what my mother was like. Fast forward to four years ago when I visited her to find her in grave health and living conditions at the hands of my two siblings. Many lawyers later and I now manage her care in a memory care residence ten minutes from my home. She has Alzheimer’s. I am no contact with my siblings which should have happened decades ago. Two years ago I was diagnosed with C-PTSD which is rooted in my abusive childhood history. I’ve worked through the grief on this side of the history and that is okay because what matters is I worked through it. 35 years ago I went through four years of therapy and was told my family was dysfunctional and my parents were toxic, but I wasn’t told why or how to cope with those truths. Now I have learned that they are personality disordered (narcissism and psychopathy) which has really helped me to understand WHY I was so unhappy in those relationships, so I have peace. I have also learned the crucial importance of self care. I take care of my mother because i am a loving and compassionate person but I do not love or even like my mother for who she always was. I love ME.
Thank you for sharing your story. It never ceases to amaze me about the lack of knowledge out there about C-PTSD. I’m glad a therapist finally diagnosed you and gave you the clarity you needed and deserved. You seem to have come a very long way in your healing journey. Sending hugs!
I am sorry you went through that. Although, our experiences are different the pain seems similar to have a mother that is not capable of love is really heart shattering. The discard is shocking and painful. My mother just wanted to see me miserable and sabotaged my attempts at happiness throughout my life. I went no contact six years ago and it has been lonely and difficult. I tried therapy but it doesn’t feel that helpful. Currently, one therapist keeps suggesting some form of contact so I feel some relief even though I keep saying it is not what I want. It seems no one understands that families can be harmful and no contact is the way to go. I am tired of feeling guilty for not being in contact with a family that was abusive toward me and to have to feel like I have to explain myself.
Hi Randi, I’ve just come across this post. Thank you for writing this. I have been in a similar situation as you with my mom after an abusive childhood. It is not easy to cut someone out of your life, especially a “mom” but my thoughts are exactly the same as yours. If a “mom” has never been there apart from giving more pain then why stay in touch? Life goes on and the way I see it, it is “her” loss she couldn’t be the person I needed. She is now missing out on the future generation by refusing to change. I don’t regret cutting her out and I feel so much happier. I’m on Twitter @Elizabe69245484 if you want to connect. I’m also a writer on this site. Take care.