Becoming a parent is not for everyone. It is a huge responsibility and life-long commitment. If however, you decide that the risk to your freedom conquers the life that kids bring, is worth it, then why not? Kids bring a new sense of “freedom” and a life you can never have dreamed of beforehand. Being a parent is something you can’t prepare for. Sure, you can buy the physical things a baby needs like clothes and bottles and prepare a nursery but you can’t ever prepare for what your life will change into, once the baby is born.
I had a terrible childhood but it never once deterred me in my longing for kids. I always wanted kids of my own. I wanted to show the world that I knew how to get it right. I was not going to be an abusive parent no matter how much I was abused. I was sure of myself and confident that I could give kids a good childhood. I was not my parents. Abuse and trauma stopped with my parents. That is why I cut them out of my life and started again. It was my revenge and gift to the future generation to be a normal loving human being. I have written in a previous blog on how to get to parenthood. This is not an easy journey for someone who has suffered abuse, even for the most determined! Read my previous blog: “Creating a family after abuse”.
Fight for what is right
After years of trying for a baby, and suffering a miscarriage, I finally held my perfect baby in my arms. My entire world changed and I promised my precious miracle that I would be the perfect mom. The mom, I wished I had had. My son gave me and my husband a lot of joy but also heartache as he had lots of medical issues during his first year. I found I had to fight like never before to get him the right medicines no matter if they were expensive or not. It took going up against doctors and other medical practitioners as well as insurance companies. My son’s life was worth every fight and our insurance would cover it no matter what it cost us in the future. Our medical insurance soared but I didn’t care. I would worry about it once my son was healthy and stopped vomiting every hour of every day. As my son got better with the right medicines, he finally grew. We decided to give him a sibling so he always had a mate growing up. We thought it would take us years to get pregnant again but we were wrong. I fell pregnant immediately. It was the most ecstatic feeling I had ever felt! Two babies after years of not being able to conceive! The age gap was only a year and they became inseparable, almost like twins. I was so thankful at my two miracles, I didn’t care about the medical obstacles in our way. In a way it brought my husband closer to me to help take care of our kids.
I had to give up my job for a little while as my youngest also had medical problems but of a different kind. They were serious but not life-threatening. I once again fought for my youngest baby to get the expensive medical interventions that he needed to be healthy. I found my inner roaring “mama bear”, harassing doctors and “know it all’s” to get my baby the right treatment. Without it, he would have been profoundly deaf for the rest of his life. That was unthinkable for me and my husband who knew that if he got the treatment, he could have his hearing. I never knew I had such a strong sense of love and strength within me but I found that easily when it came to my kids. I was a force of nature and I got people to listen. I had never stood up for myself before that. It changed my kids lives completely and I have two healthy children now.
Have you ever in your life had to stand up for something, to right a wrong? How did it feel to get people to listen to you and help? It feels good, right? It is an incredible feeling for someone who has suffered abuse because we had no voice. To be able to get listened to and hear is nothing but incredible.
Enjoying a rich and happy childhood
My kids had endured so much medical drama in their first years. Once we finally had our youngest son’s precious hearing restored, we started breathing a little easier. Both kids were on the way to recovery. My son could hear us and he could express himself to us and his friends. It was a miracle to hear his little voice! My oldest son had stopped vomiting every hour of every day. Life was getting easier and we could do normal things like swimming lessons. Something that was unthinkable a few months back. I never once stopped marvelling at how exciting and amazing the world was to my kids. I started seeing it through their eyes and let them explore and have fun whilst I watched nearby to keep them safe. Who knew that a funny shaped rock could be a source of such fun? That a worm could cause such giggles and laughter just because it moved in a funny way. I never knew that a simple stick could become a treasured toy for a day in the forest. We could finally take our kids outdoors without having to bring a truckload of spare clothes and medicines with us. We could stay out for picnics in the forest or the park with our friends. We could go visit with friends and family in other states. It gave us a freedom and boy did we grasp it fully!
“It takes a community to raise a child”.
I started going everywhere with the kids. We went out in all weathers. I wrapped my kids up in the snow and rain and let them explore puddles and build snowmen. I let them have time on the beach and play in the sand. It opened up our world so much now that we could go out for longer. We could go to the zoo and the local farms. My kids learned about animals and their world opened up more and more to new adventures. My babies grew into toddlers and life became a different challenge in the way that they were both on the move. They would go in different directions at heart-breaking speeds and in no fear of dangers around them. I developed “mom vision” aka “360degree eyesight” to keep up with them. Failing that, I had trusted moms and dads scattered around the room or play areas who would look out for the kids. Kids have a way of doing the most unexpected at the worst possible times and you just have to go with it. I learned very quickly that abrupt bodily functions, accidents and emergency trips to the ER were just part of life with two toddlers. There wasn’t a day with a “y” in it that we didn’t have some kind of drama. As a young mom you meet other moms and dads when you are in parks and play areas. You have kids in common and it is a big ice-breaker in conversations. You can also lean on others through the ups and downs of childhood. Your friends have likely had “one of those days” too and can give their advice. Kids seem to attract each other too and strike up immediate friendships anywhere – yes, even in the restroom whilst washing our hands next to another mom and kids! Our social friendship circle almost tripled once we started taking the kids out more. You’d be amazed at the conversations I have had over the sandbox or in the playpark whilst watching my kids play. Most of my friends and their kids were the same. We all took it in our stride and laughed it away as we told our most recent stories of life with a toddler in it. There were some tears too. It was parenthood and we embraced it back when we had no idea that this was what it was going to be like.
Having a support network of others in a similar situation was a big help for me when my kids were young. Do you have a support network around you who can help you? Is there anyone you can call on when you have a bad day?
Sports and Adventure parks
As the kids grew and started school, we ended up in a whirlwind of new activities. It certainly tested my boundaries and fears. Sports were the next step. There was little league, soccer, basketball, swimming, hockey, track and badminton. We have tried every sport imaginable with and without our friends with kids. My kids carry on with some sports and find more friends and with those friends are their parents who in turn become my friends. We go to each other’s houses and parties and it becomes a new way of living, all because we have kids at similar ages. I encourage my kids to join in any new classes and opportunities because why not? How else are you going to know what you like or don’t like?
I got talked into taking the kids to a rock-climbing place with some friends. As the door opened, the pop music was pumping through the PA system. There were kids and parents everywhere. There were squeals of joy and happiness all around me. After less than 5 minutes, my kids were happily settled into the climbing area with their gear on, listening to the instructor. I nodded to another two moms who waved me over and we struck up our conversation as we watched our kids start climbing. Whoah, that is high! My kids, completely unfazed by the sheer drop beneath their little feet as they push on higher with excitement plastered all over their faces. “Look, mom!” “No, mom, look at me, I’m higher than him”! Says my youngest, never to be beaten by his brother. They just don’t feel the fear. I watch them with a nervous smile. They know I’m scared and yet they try and prove to me how safe rock climbing is. I try not to push my fear onto them. I give my kids all the experiences that I never got to do. Some of them, like climbing scare the life out of me but my kids love it. I still have a lot of years in me and I get to watch the confidence and happiness in my own kids as they grow up.
Having kids has changed my world for the better. It has not only changed me but also in how I see the world. I get a do-over in life. I get to do “childhood” again, the way it is supposed to be. Childhood is a precious gift, a right of passage into adulthood. It is a really important time in our lives when we discover who we are and make sense of our world and how we fit into it. I always thought I knew what childhood was like through the lives that I observed in my friends families. I found out that it can be so much more. I know I still have lots of challenges ahead that goes with bringing up kids. I am sure that there will be more “rock-climbing” type activities ahead but I look forward to it all. Bring it on! For my kids, the sky is the limit!
I have discovered a true life contentment that I never knew I was missing. I am a survivor.
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Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. She suffered sexual abuse throughout her childhood and witnessed unspeakable events. Elizabeth survived in an environment where most people would not. She is now able to help other survivors heal from trauma through her writing and blogs. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. There is always hope.
Elizabeth is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Offenders-Daughter-Story-Survival-Against-ebook/dp/B0BBSV97VF/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=0pSdX&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_p=cf86ec3a-68a6-43e9-8115-04171136930a&pf_rd_r=134-9913214-5397651&pd_rd_wg=MPpMc&pd_rd_r=d375a758-2d9b-4c6e-9aee-52c1f5a4e6f7&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk
Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith” available here:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQRNST2B?binding=kindle_edition&qid=1711883073&sr=8-2&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tkin
