Even Warthogs Feel Shame
One of the first things that pops into my head when I hear the word “shame” is Pumbaa from The Lion King lamenting, “Oh the shame! Thought of changin’ my name!”
A lot of us who carry deep shame from childhood trauma have probably also considered changing our names or inventing a new life somewhere else with plucky sidekicks. If no one knew our story, maybe we wouldn’t be so ashamed of who we are or what we did to survive. If only it were as easy as changing your name, running away, or adopting the Hakuna Matata philosophy.
Why is it necessary to confront shame in order to be a real adult?
Shame keeps our world small and lonely. We struggle to engage in the world and with others. You may be existing, but are you really living when shame has such a grip on you? Without examining and releasing your shame, it will be impossible to be a real adult who can emotionally regulate, have self-compassion, stick to your boundaries, and have strong self-worth. Shame will get in the way every time.
Identifying Shame
Many of us bury our shame so deeply we don’t even recognize that’s what it is. The longer you live with shame and develop defenses, the more toxic it becomes and the less conscious you are of how it manifests.
Shame will appear in your head, body, and behavior. It will be the most obvious in your body, and that’s where it will begin. A sensation in the body will activate the thoughts and behavior. Shame is physiological. Our bodies are telling us, “Uh oh. I have done something that threatens my membership in the group. I have to fix it to belong and stay safe.” Long ago, we needed a tribe to survive physically; we still need the community to survive psychologically. Being socially outcast in any form either by community (family, friends, society, etc.) will induce severe shame. Any time we’re reminded of that in a similar but not identical incident, our bodies will remember the original shame and react accordingly.
Here’s what to look for to identify if you’re feeling shame:
Bodily sensations: trouble taking deep breaths, feeling immobilized/frozen, inability to make eye contact
Behavior: blaming, numbing out/distracting self, isolating/withdrawing
Thoughts: self-critical; negative; black and white thinking that gets progressively worse; bringing out the laundry list of every shameful thing you’ve said, done, or experienced
Get Curious About Your Thoughts
Most trauma survivors exist primarily in their heads. Tolerating being in the body is too much initially. If this sounds like you, try getting curious about your thoughts when you experience a small shame episode. When the shame is from something small, it is easier to step back and become an observer of your thoughts. Write down the thoughts that come up. Is there a theme to your thoughts? What else do you notice about the content of your thoughts? The sentence structure or tone? Perhaps each sentence starts with “I.” The tone might be angry or hopeless. Practice this a few times over the course of a week, and see what you notice about your thoughts in response to shame.
That’s all you have to do right now. Notice. Get adept at identifying when you’re experiencing shame and what thoughts come up.
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Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach. Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.” She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.
