“Mom, Dad doesn’t love you… or Spenser. He only loves me.”
“That’s not true, sweetie, why do you say that?”
“He doesn’t treat you nice.”
I looked down at my 5-year-old boy. His innocent eyes stared up at me while he declared his truth. Inside, I fell apart.
I knew my older son, Spenser, was aware of the abuse. He was seeing and hearing things he shouldn’t have. But I hadn’t realized how much my younger one had absorbed and how it affected him. I knew I had to get out. I had thought that staying in the marriage meant that I could act as a buffer and protect my children. But at that moment, I realized that the role modeling they were experiencing was detrimental not only to their emotional and physical health but also to their futures. Who would they become as adults, husbands, and fathers? It scared me.
In addition to being surrounded by abuse and living in a tense, fearful environment, children are frequently used in domestic battles, whether the parents mean to or not. Kids are super sensitive to their surroundings and pick up a lot more than we think.
It’s obviously best to have a great co-parenting relationship, but in many cases, that’s not possible.
Any harsh or negative comments about your spouse will affect your children. It’s not only how you talk to your children, but it could also be a sarcastic comment, a whisper into the phone to a friend. Even taking down family photos so you don’t have to look at your ex-spouse can send a signal that this is not a space where your children are free to feel love for the other parent. No matter what has happened, they are still a part of both parents!
A typical narcissist will hurt you if you leave them no matter who they wound. In a lot of cases, they send “messages” to the children. You may be the target, but the kids end up in the firing line.
After the divorce, my youngest saw his father a few times a year. One time, after dinner with his dad, he told me his dad said that I was trying to put him in jail. After my initial shock, I let my son know that he shouldn’t have to listen to adult subjects, and he always had a right to tell us he didn’t want to hear it, whether it was his dad or me telling him something.
Then I told him (he was 12 then) that if he had specific questions, I would do my best to answer them. No, I wasn’t trying to put his dad in jail. Breaking the judge’s order is illegal. His dad hadn’t paid any child support for many years, but I didn’t tell my son about that. If I had, how would it have made my son feel? Not worthy?
When you are constantly attacked, whether directly, through court, your kids, or friends, mentioning things your ex has said about you, it’s easy to get hurt, angry, and want to “hit back.” I didn’t want to become someone acting differently because he was lying about me, goading me, hurting me. I refused to “play his games” and become someone else. I had to stay true to who I was. I’m not saying I wasn’t tempted at times, but I kept focusing on my kids and what would be best for them.
I found a wonderful quote by Booker T Washington which I taped to my mirror:
“I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.”
Stay true to yourself!
No matter how aware you are during this stressful time, your kids may have been emotionally wounded during the marriage and/ or your divorce, even afterward.
How do you help your kids?
I felt that my kids needed an objective person they could talk to and get advice from during and after my divorce. My 16-year-old went to my wonderful counselor, Michael.
My 7-year-old became withdrawn and scared and barely talked for the first few months. I didn’t want to add another person to his life. I asked Michael how I could help him.
Michael told me to encourage him to let out his emotions. Validate them. To tell my son: “You were stuck in a different country, which must have been scary, and when you came back, everything you owned was gone.” (His dad stole their passports and left us stranded, by the time we got back home a month later our home was empty.)
“Tell your son he has a right to be angry, to be sad and frustrated… it’s okay to cry. Don’t tell him to stop crying! He needs to know he has a right to his feelings. He’s been mistreated.”
I followed his advice. It was heartbreaking to see and hear my young son sobbing every night for a few months. Then, suddenly, Nik started to open up like a flower. His teacher said she’d never seen him this open and happy.
Some things that helped all of us:
Take time to Listen. If they don’t want to talk – don’t force it. Physical activities, sports, and Martial arts are great. Creativity, art, draw out your anger. Pets always help! Unconditional love! Borrow one from a neighbor if you don’t have one. Helping others. This is a big one! It’s hard to feel sad when you help others who have it worse than you. Books/ quotes.
Role modeling for my kids was essential. I can’t expect them to become healthy, happy, and grateful if I’m not.
“5 million children witness domestic violence each year in the US. Forty million adult Americans grew up living with domestic violence.
Children from homes with violence are much more likely to experience significant psychological problems in the short and long term.
Children who’ve experienced domestic violence often meet the diagnostic criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and the effects on their brain are similar to those experienced by combat veterans.
Domestic violence in childhood is directly correlated with difficulties in learning, lower IQ scores, deficiencies in visual-motor skills, and problems with attention and memory.
Children who grow up with domestic violence are 6 times more likely to commit suicide and 50% more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.
If you grow up with domestic violence, you’re 74% more likely to commit a violent crime against someone else.
Children of domestic violence are 3 times more likely to repeat the cycle in adulthood, as growing up with domestic violence is the most significant predictor of whether or not someone will engage in domestic violence later in life.”
It’s extraordinarily difficult and scary to get out of a violent marriage. Focus on your kids; they need your help guiding them and finding other ways to support them. My two boys are phenomenal. Kind, compassionate, hardworking, and they love their lives. Ask for help! It’s out there.
Another source of information:
https://www.dvsn.org/may-2024-concerning-children-childhood-domestic-violence-2-of-2
Photo credit: Spenser Pousette
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As one of the founding members in the Toastmasters group Success Masters, she has written many speeches on attaining success, self-improvement, personal growth, and healing. After receiving comments that these essays could be helpful to other communities, she decided to post them to more accessible blogsites.
