Why trauma survivors may not be able to receive compliments, praise, or kindness.
The funniest thing came to mind when I was thinking about this topic. It was a memory from my childhood of going to a restaurant in New Jersey called Buxton’s. If they had other food on their menu, I never paid any attention to it, but the one thing I remember was that they had this huge ice cream sundae called The Stanley Steamer. It had around 8 scoops of ice cream, 6 different toppings, a banana, and lots of whipped cream. I’m pretty sure this particular dessert was made to share, but as a kid, it was a challenge to see who could eat the whole thing. Just thinking about this culinary masterpiece, I can feel my body responding to the memory.
I am sitting at the table waiting with anticipation to stick my spoon into that mountain of yumminess; my mouth is watering; my tastebuds are prepped and ready. When it gets delivered to our table my eyes grow to the size of half dollars with amazement at how delicious it looks. I stick my spoon in that baby, careful to get a little of everything and I put it in my mouth. Oh yeah, yum. I savor that bit of heaven in my mouth a minute before swallowing it. As I swallow it, my gag reflex says, “nope, not in here”, and spews it out. Such a disappointment.
That is how it is for some trauma survivors when they try to accept a compliment, praise, or acknowledgment. They want to consume it so badly but their protective reflexes won’t let them. Their body longs for it, but they also cannot receive it. Have you ever told someone how brilliant you think they are and they say something like, “yeah, right” or “whatever” or even get a blank stare?
As a trauma survivor, I struggle with being able to receive praise, compliments, and acknowledgments. It’s not that I don’t want to accept it because I do. I work hard at my job for recognition and praise, but I also struggle to receive it.
My therapist asked me why I thought that was true for me. After I thought about it, I realized that in all my years of abuse, the only time I got praise or compliments, or acknowledgment was when one of my abusers wanted something from me. Imagine hearing, “you’re so beautiful” one minute and the next you are being sexually abused. I learned to not trust it. I learned that it was never sincere.
In my recovery, I’ve learned that praise is a trigger for me that signals something bad are coming. In my mind, I know this is not always the case, but this is a well-practiced and very worn neural network or habitual coping pattern for me. It is something I am aware of and also something I am working on changing, but it is still difficult.
I don’t always try changing my response to positive feedback because I think sometimes people are just blowing smoke and practicing flattery. I’ve heard it said that gossip is saying behind someone’s back what you would not say to their face and flattery is saying to someone’s face what you would not say behind their back. But with people I trust and know to be sincere, I will ask them to give me a minute to try to receive what they just said to me. Often I will close my eyes and just picture myself swallowing that sweet treat before I take a deep breath and thank them for that gift.
I am sharing this because I don’t want people to think that I or other trauma survivors are intentionally rejecting their encouragement or positive feedback. We are doing the best we can and healing is a long, hard process.
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Believer. Leader. Learner. Advocate. Writer. Speaker. Coach. Mentor. Triathlete. Encourager. Survivor.
Most of all, I am a fellow traveler on the rocky road called, Trauma Recovery. My mission is to minimize the effects of trauma for survivors in the workplace.
I completely relate to this and I’m sorry you struggle with this too. It’s like my body doesn’t have storage space for compliments. I go into the freeze response and feel actual pain when someone says something nice about me. Basically, I flinch.
I’ve been trying to make space for compliments, because they are a huge part of what can combat my inner critic. I’ve had to purposely stop myself from reacting and respond instead with “thank you for saying that.” I refer to it as being a robot trying to learn human.
I’ve been doing parts work and my therapist shared that some of my protectors may have an amnesia element to them. It amazes me that I just can’t hold compliments. They bounce off before I can remember what was said.
The more I reframe the easier it gets. I look forward to the day that I can overcome my inner critic and have my nervous system accept that people are being sincere.
Your experience mirrors my own. I found it helpful to ask myself with curiosity, what am I reacting to? What do I think is going to happen? For me, it was the realization that my abusers had used positive comments in the past to trick or manipulate me prior to abuse. Your parts play an important function in keeping you safe, so maybe just appreciating them for doing their job and asking them why they need to protect you would help. I found, that with some effort, I could work through my initial triggered response, and get to the point of receiving the compliment from those I trust. Its still a work in progress for me and you might hear me say, I’m working on receiving that compliment from you. I take a moment to process being present and imagine myself swallowing that sweet treat. I wish you the best on your journey.
This is the most apt description of how I feel when given a compliment. My mother, a narcissistic woman with a penchant for snark, never let a moment pass where I wasn’t inundated with all the ways I had wronged the world with my very existence. To find someone who can put this trauma into words was refreshing! Thank you for the post!