Haunted: The Recurring Horrors of CPTSD (as published in The Friday Edition of HeartBalm Healing at https://heartbalm.substack.com)
It’s that time of the year – scary ghost stories, eerie face masks and costumes, and tricks and treats. Yet while it feels natural to be with the frightening images and ghost stories that come with “All Hallows Eve” for those with complex trauma every day is filled with recurring horrors. We deal with the ghosts of the past that rattle us awake in our sleep, haunt our thoughts, and frighten us even in the light of day; facing zombie-like apparitions waiting around every corner of our world, and a looming fog of confusion filling our mind and body – obscuring clarity and truth. These things are all too real and just a part of living with CPTSD.
Those who have experienced repetitive trauma as a child, and now live with complex trauma and the associated fallout of CPTSD as an adult, know only too well the voices that come at any time of the day or night to howl old stories and negative thoughts into our ears. The internalized voices and old images, now larger and scarier, are on repeat to remind us of the terrifying experiences, hurts, and dangers we endured and survived.
Complex trauma can seem like a rolling snowball – gathering bulk and speed as life goes on. It picks up every hurt, pain, slight, abusive statement, action, and deed along the way, and as old wounds are triggered a present-day trauma experience is added to the growing mass of dread, anxiety, hopelessness, and futility. Adulting with CPTSD feels like something else we must endure and survive.
To read more about CPTSD please see my article at HeartBalm titled, “Courage, Self Love, and CPTSD.”
A child experiencing repetitive abuse will survive by developing skills like hypervigilance and hyper-attunement. These skills along with longstanding subconscious narratives, and stored physical trauma come together in adulthood that for many, makes everyone a threat to some degree. Walking into a room filled with people can be an overwhelming experience yet living in the world means you have to participate with others and being in a crowded room is something that must be faced. Hypervigilance in these situations will kick into gear and your sense of who is or is not trustworthy or safe becomes your secret superpower scanning the room for threats and exit strategies.
Survivors of abuse and neglect are constantly haunted by the ghosts of the past – triggered in broad daylight by the actions of others and the fallout of everyday events. Each day is a ride through a haunted house to some degree – never knowing what is around the next corner, or who will alert or startle us triggering old or new wounds. As an adult survivor of childhood and repetitive trauma it can still feel as if you are being followed, stared at for longer than is comfortable, at risk of being hurt again, stalked, targeted, used and abused, or exploited; always seeing those eyes and feeling the same ominous approach of an abuser looking back at you in a stranger’s glance or move towards you.
When you are feeling more empowered and safe it is easier to be more comfortable in your surroundings and with meeting new people or being in crowded situations. However, for many with CPTSD there are times when you have been triggered, are experiencing a flashback, are dissociating, or are even in a depressed or anxious state being out amongst others can be difficult to manage. In these troughs of insecurity, which can last days or even months or years, our brains tend to see everyone from the perspective of danger. If you look more closely, it may even seem that everyone looking at you has the same eyes and air as your abuser(s), and those eyes follow you everywhere. In these dark times the haunting from those childhood circumstances, the manipulation, lies, criticisms and judgments, and collective abusive trauma patterns will create stories in our minds about those we encounter that align with and affirm the feeling that we are still under attack, and everyone is a threat. The familiarity of those eyes that seem to watch us no matter where we are can keep us hiding, adhering only to the necessities of life, and making quick trips into public places before we head back home or to a safe space because nothing feels safe or secure. David Whyte, author, and poet describes hiding in a way that bears out the beauty of how reacting to life, and surviving in order to thrive is universal, unique, necessary, and ok. The following is an excerpt from his book “Consolations.”
Hiding is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snowbound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated.
It is not uncommon to be triggered by someone that we pass by, meet, or speak with that is not our abuser(s) but we still feel threatened in some way, see, and react to them as we would our abuser(s). These are the moments when pausing to notice that they are not the ones that hurt us or zombies from our past are important to be clear about. We must be brave enough to see with new eyes, an opening heart and from a fresh perspective in order to begin to heal ourselves, develop healthy relationships with others and find ways to tame our haunted bodies, mind, and soul. It is also an opportunity to remind yourself that the past is gone, the future is not here yet, and you are standing firmly in the present moment. Becoming aware of the Now moment is a great way to ground yourself, take up space fully in your body and stand firm in your power. These are the moments to begin rebuilding your boundaries, embracing your worth to see things truly, stopping negative and critical inner thoughts and stories, and bringing light to the dark places and scary apparitions that still haunt you; to see them dissipate in the light of awareness, self-love and acceptance, power, and truth.
Additionally, it can be frustrating as an adult to try and manage the negative scripts arising in our thoughts and stay focused on positive approaches such as affirmations, spiritual and healing modalities, concentrating on things that are light, good and help keep you focused on trust, self-love, abundance, gratitude, and positive outcomes. Yet, much of the time the hope of these constructive efforts and ways of being in your life falls apart in the midst of another flashback, dissociative episode, abusive situation, or encounter with another person. It feels foolhardy to keep hoping and stay positive when things always end up right back in the scary hollows of an old world. This triggers years of deep disappointment and pushes us into the dark realm of learned helplessness.
The subconscious mind of the trauma survivor hides and holds the old trauma patterning, the ancient and fearful fragments of the past that keep us chained in the present. The patterns lie just under the surface of our conscious thoughts and create a ripple effect that expands into our present circumstances. These subconscious reverberations of childhood trauma and the continued layering of abuses are still at play in our world today – hence the feeling of being haunted, stalked, and constantly under threat.
Saying positive affirmations such as “I am loved” or “I am safe” can sound wonderful but to the subconscious mind or inner child who does not feel loved or safe the affirmation will be rejected as a false statement. The affirmation is blocked at the subconscious level and cannot be accepted or assimilated. There is a simple way of self-hypnosis that can facilitate the efficacy of positive statements and affirmations by being aware of resistance and the hard spots, and softening the lead-in language such as: “I am opening to being loved”, “I am moving towards knowing that I am loved”, “I am learning to feel safe,” or “I am becoming more comfortable and safe in my mind, body, and world.” As you come across affirmations that resonate with you add the lead-in statements to get past the subconscious gatekeeper, and for better integration into your being. Continue repeating these softened statements to yourself. As you feel more loved, safe, or relaxed and open to the positive statements you are working with you can drop the softened preface and repeat “I am loved” or “I am safe” affirmations. Notice if negative thoughts or any resistance arise at this stage. If there is still resistance continue with the lead-ins added until you can fully allow and accept the positive affirmation at each level.
Living with CPTSD can feel like a foreboding darkness is descending over you and your world at times. It can feel unrelenting yet there are moments of integration, healing, love, and transformation. There is so much beauty in the contrast of complex experiences but it is also woven with threads of agony that no one should have to endure yet so many of us do – we carry on and keep going as only seasoned warriors can. As a closing, I am including a poem I wrote that speaks to the ongoing haunting, and endless unwinding dance of complex trauma titled, “The Thread of Agony.”
the thread of agony
lies in the past yet is
pulled along with each moment
winding its way around me
sometimes tripping me up
sometimes leading me forward
the thread of agony
haunts me of broken dreams
loves won and lost
pulls at my fractured heart
and if I pull back
threatens to unravel sanity
the thread of agony
brings me to myself
sometimes I follow
sometimes I run
aching for freedom and truth
all the while winding on endlessly
_the thread of agony, Sunny Lynn, OMC, HeartBalm
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Sunny Lynn, OMC is a spiritual counselor, writer, poet, photographer, meditator, and nature lover on a mission of transmuting complex trauma through self-love, healing, and bringing balm to hearts everywhere. She has a blog and podcast – HeartBalm at heartbalm.substack.com that speaks on the topic of self-care and self-love, mindfulness and healing while living with CPTSD.
